Chapter 6
Armia’s Melancholy
—Armia—
「Hahh- Hahh- I, why did I…」
A few minutes after I was agitated and ran away after being surprised by Raust-san who was with Zieg-san, I was breathing heavily deep in the city .
Because I came here at full speed, I was out of breath and the people around me were looking at me suspiciously .
But I couldn’t afford to care about them .
Maybe because of my lack of oxygen, but the first thing that came to my mind was the previous event, my encounter with Raust-san .
He was… the one I yearned for .
There wasn’t much, but after I went to the labyrinth with Zieg-san and Lailsan yesterday, I had some savings .
Since that time, I tried to find Raust-san .
Of course it was to give what I have in hand to Raust-san .
But the unexpected meeting made me flustered .
When I met Raust-san, I had pictured in my mind over and over again how I should apologize or how I should show my intention to atone to him, because of that, when I met with an unexpected situation, I fell into a panic .
………And then, I had run away from that place .
If, from the beginning, I was aware that Raust-san was there, then I wouldn’t have panicked .
At that time, however, I was too focused at Zieg-san as I was angry at him who told me I would be excluded from the phoenix subjugation quest .
To not bring a rearguard just like me to fight a phoenix was nothing but suicide .
「…Why, why did I do that…」
……However, I regretted so greatly for acting based on emotion .
I was no longer angry with Zieg-san .
It was just, I just felt I have to do that .
「What to do- What to do-」
And then that regret changed to frustration, I was unconsciously muttering those words .
Atoning to Raust-san, that was my top priority .
Nevertheless, having committed such a blunder, I strongly reproached myself .
「…More failure is not allowed . 」
And, while holding that feeling, I muttered those words .
Because, my existence had no value anymore other than to atone to Raust-san .
And now, no one would atone together with me .
Those people betrayed me, and ran away……
「Ughh!」
Right when I thought that, I felt nauseous .
I rushed into an alley, out of public eyes, while holding my mouth .
「Guh…」
In the end, I didn’t vomit the content of my stomach, but the horrible feeling still didn’t go away .
The words I told Sword of Lightning, the invitation to atone together .
It wasn’t something I said without thinking .
Even I already knew that Sword of Lightning hadn’t consisted of good people .
And when I entered Lailsan’s party, knowing that I didn’t have to work and struggle from the bottom, I felt troubled .
——However, the fact that I became a first-class adventurer by being invited into Sword of Lightning never disappear from inside me .
That was a big deal for me .
Until then, I was someone at the bottom, but Sword of Lightning raised my standing like that .
Regardless of their true intentions .
So, I decided to start again from the bottom to return the favor to Sword of Lightning .
…But my feelings were trampled in the worst way .
「Why…」
Every time I thought about that time, I felt like covered in something murky .
Like the stagnant feeling coagulated to become something black .
「…I have no time to think about this . 」
I tried to look away from that feeling .
Somehow, by being obsessed with having to atone .
「Hahh~ I finally found you . 」
「………Huh?」
The next moment, my thought was interrupted by a familiar voice in the alley that was supposed to not have anyone around .
I raised my face in the direction the voice came from .
「Narsena…san?」
——And, dumbfounded, I murmured the name of the person standing there .
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A few minutes after meeting Narsensan, I was taken to an unpopular vacant lot .
On the way, she didn’t say anything at all .
I could imagine what she would do to me .
…Narsensan is, probably trying to get back at me .
Narsensan was famous in the Adventurer guild for being Raust-san’s lover .
Also, Narsensan didn’t allow anyone who wronged her lover, Raust-san .
A girlfriend like that wouldn’t have forgiven someone like me .
I didn’t know what she would do now, but I was sure it wouldn’t end peacefully .
But even when I knew that, I didn’t lose my composure .
I knew it was a matter of course to be punished .
Regardless of what was done by anyone, it was a punishment .
…However, contrary to my expectation, after we arrived at the vacant lot, Narsensan just sat on the stone and didn’t do anything .
She just turned her eyes with an inquiring look at me .
「…Are you not going to do anything?」
Seeing her acted like that, I unintentionally asked that .
「I just come to give a piece of advice . 」
「……Huh?」
In response to my words, Narsensan answered me concisely .
But for a moment, I didn’t understand what she meant .
Shaken, I let out a stupid sounding voice .
「Don’t be obsessed with trying to atone to Onii-san . Don’t take advantage of Onii-san anymore . 」
「Wh!?」
……However, everything fell into place with her next words and blood drained from my face .
Obsession of atonement, that wasn’t what I was trying to do .
Nevertheless, when Narsensan told me so, I couldn’t deny her words .
What came to my mind was me, focusing to atone to divert my mind from Sword of Lightning .
Far from obsession, it was an unseemly act called dependence .
And I couldn’t hide my turmoil towards myself who was doing that .
「I don’t intend to lend you a hand . What my Onii-san want from you is not revenge, nor recompense, that’s irrelevant . What he wants is to not be involved with you . 」
……As if reading my feeling like an open book, Narsensan repeated her words .
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Hearing her, I could no longer raise my head towards her .
I was driven by shame and felt the urge to disappear from this place .
「Don’t get me involved me with your lingering attachment . 」
「………!」
……However, the moment she said that, my emotion turned into one of anger .
——I fully understood that it was foolish to be involved in the Sword of Lightning .
Narsensan’s words were justified .
I believed in people who shouldn’t be trusted and as a result, being betrayed by them .
I met with a bad experience like that and still couldn’t break away from Sword of Lightning, from Narsena’s viewpoint, I must be nothing but a fool .
Even though I understood that, I couldn’t suppress the violent emotion within me .
I desperately tried to suppress it .
I knew it was just misplaced anger .
…But the next moment, I couldn’t suppress my feeling anymore and opened my mouth .
「What do you know about me!」
Right after I screamed, I felt intense regret in my heart .
Even though what my conversation partner said was right, I vented at them .
That was what I do even though I should’ve apologized instead .
With this, no matter what she said, I couldn’t complain .
「………Ehh?」
However, contrary to my expectation, Narsensan was calm .
Despite receiving my unreasonable outburst of anger, even anger didn’t appear on her face .
Instead, what showed up on her face was a look of pity .
「Wh!?」
I never thought her expression would turn into that of pity, I was noticeably shaken .
I wasn’t close to Narsensan, there was no reason she should feel pity for me .
「I won’t belittle you for your trouble, but you shouldn’t be trapped in it . 」
Glancing at my still shaken self, Narsensan said so .
「What you have to do now is not to be bound by regrets or to make amends . 」
I couldn’t understand the meaning of what Narsensan trying to say .
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I knew it was not good if I kept trying to atone, and I still couldn’t shake off my attachment .
But, I couldn’t figure out what I should do now .
「Eh? What does that mean…」
In order to clear my confusion, I asked Narsensan .
However, Narsensan didn’t spare her attention to me at all .
She ignored what I was saying and kept talking .
「The people that are your current party member said that they will give us all the reward from phoenix subjugation, in order to make a place where you can apologize to Onii-san . 」
「——Kh!」
……And I finally understood what Narsensan was trying to say when she said that .
The figure of Lailsan and Zieg-san who worried about me and tried to cheer me up flashed in my mind .
I didn’t know how far in the red they would be if they gave all the reward from phoenix subjugation to Raust-san’s party .
But still, in order to help me back to my own feet, Lailsan and Zieg-san gave up the reward .
And yet, I only cared about myself and didn’t pay attention to what they did for me .
I had forgotten even the fact that Lailsan had supported me since we were in Sword of Lightning .
I had comrades that tried to support me and I didn’t notice at all .
But not anymore .
Seriously, I was just a helpless child .
I was also blinded by the thing I couldn’t do that I lost sight of the most important things .
But now I knew .
How much Lailsan and Zieg-san cared for me .
And how important they were for me .
……Currently, Sword of Lightning and the black emotion still took a big portion of my heart .
However, I finally realized what I had to do now, I wasn’t going to stand still anymore .
「Narsensan… umm, thank you very much!」
And so, I bowed toward Narsensan who made me aware of that fact .
「I think it’s impossible right now, but I promise I will absolutely recompense Raust-san for everything . Also for my gratitude for you, Narsensan . Really, thank you very much!」
Narsena made a small nod toward me who said that loudly .
And then, after confirming that, I started to run back to where Zieg-san and Lailsan was .
「First of all, I have to ask for permission to participate in the phoenix subjugation……」
Uncomparable from before, my gait was light .