If I can forget about the entire world
At least there’s you
That is worth treasuring to me
After six months of frosty silence, they finally returned to a normal, diplomatic relationship. The two would occasionally chat online and ask after each other. According to Zhang Yuan, his work has been going well lately. A professor from his university started a small company. The professor cared little for the reputation of the company, for he was already famous in his own right, but was merely running it for a profit. He also encouraged the young ones like Zhang Yuan to apply patents for their software creations. As for his professional class, results were ordinary but still acceptable. Only his university results were bad, only scrapping 58.5.
“An extra mark is a waste, a mark lesser is a crime,” Zhang Yuan said. “Look, it’s mainly because I performed too badly on the listening and writing test, dragging the cumulative score.” He Luo had earlier prepared and mailed the TOEFL reference material to him and suggested that he find more specialised guidance books in the library.
Zhang Yuan said, “We really do have those books in our library. I’ve seen them. How much time do I need to read everything?”
“Why don’t I help you pick a few books this coming break?”
By the time He Luo returned to her hometown once again, the autumn leaves were already covered in white frost. Putting away her dresses in Beijing for a sweater and jeans, she took a train to meet Zhang Yuan. On her way there, she called his dorm using her mobile phone. Zhang Yuan’s voice was hazy and thick from sleep.
“Ah, it’s already noon?” he said. “I saved on breakfast money again.”
“So you know.” He Luo chuckled. “I’ll reach in another ten minutes. You still have to thank me for being your wake-up call.”
The driver chimed in. “You’re here for a friend? Your boyfriend?”
He Luo was momentarily surprised, lips curling. “I never said that.”
“I can tell from the tone of your voice.”
When He Luo reached the entrance of Zhang Yuan’s dorm, there was no sign of him. She waited by the window, the wind sweeping her face, sending her hair flying everywhere. Her feelings were a mix of hopefulness and apprehension, as if she was still that girl dreaming of a ridiculously unrealistic romance who only wanted to leave him the impression of her smiling before turning away.
She heard a shout from the stairs leading down the dorm hall and saw Da Gang running down and waving his hand. “Little Lady He, we’ve finally met again.”
“Yeah.” He Luo’s hand was gripped in his, so hard it hurt.
“Finally there’s someone to knock some sense into him and make him live like a human.” Da Gang sounded excited. “During the new year, they all said you initiated the breakup but I’ve maintained that Little Lady He isn’t that kind of snobby person. When I asked Zhang Yuan that brat, he refused to say anything and spent every day and night reading and tinkering with his computer, so much that his eyes were red like a rabbit’s. Didn’t you notice he’s gotten thinner? When I pat him on the back, there’s just a hollow sound inside.”
He Luo’s heart ached as she listened and nodded. “I’ll talk to him, but I hope he’ll listen… We really did break up.”
Da Gang looked stunned and stammered, “H-How is that possible?”
When she pushed the door open to their room, she saw that he was filling his cup with water from the faucet and drinking it. His hair was tousled and messy. “Wait for me. I’ll be ready soon,” he said. He Luo nodded and, quickly and secretly, pressed her eyes. She frowned when she noticed the ashtray on the table, filled to the brim. She grabbed the rubbish bin sitting nearby and cleared it. She really wanted to throw the ashtray as well but after some thought, she decided to tuck it away at a corner of the bookshelf.
Zhang Yuan’s hair had grown a fair bit, there was even stubble on his face. When he saw He Luo observing him, he rubbed his chin. “I can’t keep shaving it off. I’ve been staying up lately, so there’s some acne on my face. If I keep shaving, it’ll irritate my skin.”
She said, “Right, right. You always stay up late, you’ll only be satisfied when you become an owl. Hurry up and go grab something to eat. At this hour, don’t say breakfast, you might not even get lunch.”
“Have you ate?”
“Yeah. I ate quite late too, about 10 am.”
As usual, at 12 pm there were only cold soup to be found at the canteen. Zhang Yuan grabbed a chocolate bar and a yoghurt drink from the convenience store and said, “Let’s find a place and finish these.”
They sat on a bench on the top floor of the library. The sun poured through the glass ceiling. The day was fair, carrying warmth. Drinking the yoghurt drink, eating the chocolate bar, they chatted about everything and anything. Zhang Yuan extended his arm to throw the empty carton inside the bin, creating a beautiful arc. His aim was as accurate as ever.
As if nothing has changed.
“Do you still play basketball often?” He Luo asked.
“Very rarely.” Zhang Yuan got up, hitting his lower back. “I haven’t exercised much lately, every corner of my body feels rusty. But I don’t have the leisure time like I have in high school, nor am I as carefree. I can only choose to sacrifice.”
“No matter how difficult is it, you still have to be careful with your health.” He Luo worried.
“Yes, that’s the capital revolution has given us,” Zhang Yuan said. “I don’t have experience, neither do I have a network. Other than my young age, good health, I don’t have anything else worthy for comparison.”
“It doesn’t sound like a proper career.”
“I always thought there’s something wrong with your line of thinking.” Zhang Yuan pulled a straight face, pretending to be solemn.
Was that true? Sealed with a kiss, the cross on the envelope. Do you still remember? He Luo lowered her head. She couldn’t tell if it was sweetness or sourness in her heart that she felt.
Noticing her silence, Zhang Yuan hurried to add, “Honestly my ambition is to look for a rich woman. Can I still do that?”
With a pfft, He Luo laughed out loud. “Maybe if you tried two years ago. Now? We’ll talk after you go home and recuperate for a few months.”
After joking around awhile longer, Zhang Yuan suddenly frowned and pursed his lips.
“What’s wrong?” He Luo asked.
“My stomach doesn’t feel quite right,” he said. “It can’t be that the yoghurt expired?”
“That’s impossible. I also drank it.”
“In your world, whatever you like won’t expire.” Zhang Yuan smiled. “It’s fine, I’ll just run a few times to the washroom.”
“Why don’t you go back and take some laxatives?” He Luo said. “Since you’ve been staying up so often lately, it’s inevitable you’ll have digestion problems. Do you want to ask Zhao Cheng Jie for advice?”
Zhang Yuan gritted his teeth. “That quack? Forget it. I still want to live a few more years.”
The two of them walked around the large reading room and selected a few reference books. The sunshine felt toasty warm. Zhang Yuan handed He Luo his white-and-light-green jacket and went off to borrow the stack of the books they have selected at the counter.
“And then? And then?” Tian Xin pressured He Luo to continue. “Is it that you tightly hold onto his jacket, unwilling to let go?”
He Luo nodded, smiling.
Tian Xin snapped her fingers. “I knew that’d happen. What happened after?”
After…
After, when there was nobody around, she hugged the jacket as if she was embracing happiness in her arms. She sniffed the jacket, there were no traces of sweat, only a faint detergent fragrance. She stood there alone, dazed as she reminisced about the feeling of hugging him.
Watching He Luo’s dreamy expression and Tian Xin’s excited, gossipy face, Li Yun Wei couldn’t help but pat them on their shoulders. “My two young misses, are you two really here to help me pick out my anniversary gift?”
“Yes, yes.” Tian Xin nodded. “But you’re unhappy with all our selections.”
Li Yun Wei compared the few watches on her right wrist and said, “En, they’re all quite similar. None are particularly eyecatching.”
Tian Xin sighed deeply. “Dating is a really time-consuming and money-eating sport. You’re already buying matching watches for your and Xu He Yang’s anniversary. What about in the future? Won’t the expenses just keep snowballing until it’s out of control?” She then grabbed He Luo’s hand and waved it. “This two are even more outrageous! PT950! It’s actually a platinum ring!”
“Look carefully. There’s nothing there,” He Luo said. “I put it away after the summer break. Originally I planned to return it to him.”
“I’m guessing there’s no need for that now,” Li Yun Wei grinned. “Right. How are you two progressing so far?”
He Luo sighed. “What’s there to progress? It’s neither here nor there. Zhang Yuan has been so busy he doesn’t even have much time to eat and rest. I don’t want to distract him by saying other things. Even if we want to get back together, we still have to have a good talk first. Or else it’ll just be a repeat of our past mistakes and problems. It’s because our roads have intersected at one point in the past, that we have to be all that more careful now. A human can’t somersault twice on the same stone.”
Tian Xin said, “Then go and sit at their room every day, with your chin down and puppy eyes, act like you’re admiring his busyness.”
He Luo rubbed her chin. “Good thing I’m wearing long sleeves or I’ll definitely get goosebumps all over. Besides, their room... it’s better if I don’t go.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Isn’t it because Da Gang and Ah Xiang Po?” He Luo said. “The other day I hid Zhang Yuan’s ashtray. He was looking for it so I took it out from the shelf. Inside there was actually… it’s all Da Gang and Ah Xiang Po’s fault. They did it while we were away…”
“What did they do?” Li Yun Wei and Tian Xin asked at the same time.
“Have you seen Xiong Ao Jianghu?” He Luo suddenly said.
“Don’t change the topic!” Li Yun Wei said. “Hurry up and continue. You gave Zhang Yuan that ashtray, and Da Gang and Ah Xiang did what?”
“They were obviously trying to emulate Li Hu Chong matchmaking Yi Lin’s parents. They left something for us in the ashtray.” He Luo lowered her head. “I won’t say it anymore…”
“What was it? A note?” Li Yun Wei asked.
“A ring?” Tian Xin shook her middle finger. Realising it was ungraceful, she put it down.
After hesitating for a good while, He Luo finally gritted her teeth and said, “Condom…”
“What’s that?” Li Yun Wei didn’t understand.
Fortunately Tian Xin was also someone who has already studied for GRE. She was so excited that she kept on pestering He Luo to ask, “So did you end up using it afterwards? Hey, did you or didn’t you? Right, have you two ever used it?”
He Luo stomped her feet. “What are you thinking? Of course not.”
Tian Xin was even more overjoyed. “Oh, so that’s how is it! You two don’t even use one when you did it back then!”
Li Yun Wei was even more confused. “What, what is it?”
A helpless He Luo showed a stern face at Tian Xin. “If you keep laughing, I’ll stop talking to you! I’m trying to tell you about my problems seriously, but you’re laughing at me.”
Tian Xin said, “Who told you two to push and pull without any progress? I’ve already said, everyone is feeling anxious but you both are still being so slow. Truly, the king doesn’t worry but the eunuch panics.”
He Luo loosened her shoulders. “I really think he doesn’t have time to consider anything else. He’s living on India timeline. He’s staying up so often he’s damaging his immune system. Even his digestive system is suffering. The other day he’s got a stomachache.”
“A stomache? It’s probably gastric,” Li Yun Wei said. “My digestive system isn’t that good either. You know what’s going on in my family. After that incident, I haven’t gotten back on track with good eating habits so I’ve been getting gastric all the time. You have to tell him to go see a doctor.”
He Luo nodded.
Li Yun Wei returned to picking the watches. She then suddenly turned around, eyes wide. She asked, unsatisfied, “What exactly is condom?”
When He Luo reached home, she gave Zhang Yuan a call and told him to free some time to see a doctor. She called again another day, worried that he would just promise but not do it.
Zhang Yuan made “en, en” noises as agreement and then, as he rushed to get off, said, “I know, I know. Can you stop nagging me? Why are you so fussy when you’re still so young? I’m hanging up.”
Holding on the phone, He Luo listened to the di di sound over the line.
The next day, Zhang Yuan phoned. Apologetically, he said, “I was discussing something with someone yesterday, so my tone was impatient. You’re not angry, are you?”
“No…”
“I’ve already gone to the hospital. The doctor said there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just that my eating habits are too poor.”
“That’s great, then. I’m going back to Beijing tonight,” He Luo said. “Are you at your dorm or at home? I found another English listening reference book the other day, I can send it to your place at night.”
“I’m at home,” he said. “But it’s not necessary now. I have already so many books, I can’t finish them all.”
Before the train departed, He Luo tried calling Zhang Yuan. No one answered the home phone. His mobile phone was turned off.
Just a few days earlier, they had been laughing and joking around. Why was he suddenly so indifferent? Being hot and cold like this, it would cause her heart to catch a cold. At some point, He Luo even doubted those happy days had even happened.
Back in Beijing, she remembered she didn’t have his email address. When she opened QQ, she saw Zhao Cheng Jie was online.
“Hello,” He Luo sent. “I’m already in Beijing.”
“I know,” Zhao Cheng Jie replied. Another message immediately followed after. “Zhang Yuan got hospitalised.”
“When did that happen?” He Luo frantically asked. “Yesterday he even said he’s been to the hospital for a check-up, the doctor said there’s nothing wrong with him.”
“Yesterday the doctor even made him stay the night for more check-ups. It’s the same hospital where I’m interning at,” Zhao Cheng Jie said. “Gastritis.”
“That serious?”
“Of course! He’s been overworking himself, staying up late, smoking, poor eating habits. Some people even got severe ulcer, others have gotten stomach cancer! Even stomach bleeding can cause death!”
“Stop scaring me and tell me what’s going on. I’ll call him now.”
“Don’t tell him I told you,” Zhao Cheng Jie said. “He’s been repeatedly telling me not to tell other people, he even said especially not you, since you’re going back to Beijing. He said if I tell you, you’ll just worry without being able to do anything.”
He Luo grabbed her phone and started dialling Zhang Yuan’s mobile number. His voice was erratic and mild, as if it would disappear at any moment.
“Where are you?” He Luo asked.
“I’m at home. I just woke up.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I just called your house number. No one answered.”
“...” Zhang Yuan was silent for a moment, before clearing his throat. “That brat.”
“That day when I called and reminded you to go for a check-up, you’re already hospitalised, isn’t it?” He Luo asked. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You’ve already booked your train ticket,” he said. “Even if you come, you can’t do anything. You’re not Ji Gong. You can’t just breathe and cure me.”
The rims of He Luo’s eyes reddened and she softly said, “Then how are you? Do you have ulcer, or any stomach bleeding?”
Zhang Yuan grinned. “A stomach ulcer isn’t the same as a mouth ulcer, how can I know so soon? Silly girl, I just knew you’d worry uselessly. I’ve already done a gastroscope, it’s just some mild gastritis. I just have to stay in the hospital for a few days. It’s nothing.”
He Luo was skeptical. She understood Zhao Cheng Jie would exaggerate matters but she also knew about Zhang Yuan’s evasiveness. She worried, but there was an inexplicable sense of sweetness in her heart that she felt.
Her roommates had all left to go to their internships, leaving her alone in their room. He Luo took out her ring from the box, secretly slipping it onto her middle finger, and reminisced. As soon as she heard someone opening the door, she frantically took it off and hid it in her palm.
A sharp-eyed Zhou Xing Yan cleared her throat. “What are you being secretive about?”
He Luo raised an eyebrow. “You’re not chasing a thief. Why are you being so loud?”
“It’s obviously your guilt [a thieving heart] speaking.” Ye Zhi who had followed in threw her bag on her bed. “Look at your happy expression.”
He Luo sighed. “How could I be happy? Zhang Yuan was hospitalised but didn’t tell me. If he told me, perhaps I would really return a few days later.” She told them a simplified version of matters.
“Zhang Yuan understands you well,” Ye Zhi praised. “He knew you’d worry uselessly. Are you a doctor? What’s the use of you going back? Knowing you worry about him, he’ll probably be overjoyed to death.”
“Have you two gotten back together?” Tong Jia Ying asked.
He Luo shook her head.
Ye Zhi comforted her. “You’re almost there. Isn’t it just a matter of who initiates it?”
He Luo smiled. “It’s actually quite nice like this. This kind of distance allows us look at each other even more clearly and allows us to consider our own futures.”
“What if he tells you not to go overseas?” Zhou Xing Yan asked.
“Then I’ll go home,” He Luo said after some hesitation.
“What if he tells you not to study postgraduate?”
“Then…” He Luo thought for a long moment. “If at that moment, he really needs me, I’ll go with him without a doubt.”
“Dear heavens, He Luo doesn’t want to study postgraduate, doesn’t want to go overseas. She doesn’t want Beijing anymore!” Zhou Xing Yan shouted.
Coincidentally, Cai Man Xin who had just entered the dorm overheard her. She shouted, “Crazy! This woman has gone crazy!”
He Luo smiled bitterly. The future was still so far away, she can not think too deeply about it for now. Yet when she heard news about him falling ill, her entire heart was filled to the brim. Remembering that Li Yun Wei had once mentioned her grandma was famous for her remedies and recipes, she called to ask.
“You want to make porridge for him? You’ll just be someone’s wife like that?” Li Yun Wei teased. “Do you have any backbone? Too bad my deskmate has a crappy mouth and asked to breakup. Did he say anything about getting you back?”
“He’s already that ill, so I won’t be so stingy with him,” He Luo said. “It’s true that he’s the one who initiated the breakup, and even today, he hasn’t given me a proper and logical explanation. I can’t just humbly beg to start over again.”
“But you’ve already given him too many encouragement. If he understands, he should seize the opportunity.” Li Yun Wei grinned. “Say, would he be so touched he’ll cry and immediately ask for your hand? Then once you graduate, you’ll have a flash wedding?”
“Stop teasing. Didn’t your Xu He Yang pinpointed you in primary school?” He Luo said. “Who knows who will get married first. Wanna bet?”
Li Yun Wei laughed loudly. “You’re on. Whoever gets married don’t have to give the other person red packet.”
“Then it’s a promise!”
Four years ago, Zheng Qin Yin asked this question. “Will you marry her in the future?”
Back then, Zhang Yuan laughed and said, “This is too far away, but consider it in my plans.”
Tian Xin had also once asked, “Just think about it. If you two have a baby, it’ll definitely be much cuter than Le Le. Have you never once thought of wanting a home and a baby in the future?”
What was her response then? “The future is too far away.”
True. The future is too far away. The steaming pot of porridge in front of her was more important. He Luo realised she had been daydreaming for far too long, the rice in the electric cooker was foaming. Using a chopsticks, she stirred the porridge.
“It smells so good! I’m starving to death.” Ye Zhi desperately smelled the fragrance as she laid on her bed. “I’ve already been waiting forever. Luo Luo, when will it be ready? If I’ve known earlier, I would’ve eaten instant noodles for supper instead.”
Zhou Xing Yan returned from the washroom, the rose-printed tumbler on her hand clanking as she walked. She smiled and said, “It’d be nice if Zhang Yuan gets sick a few more times, we can save on a few packets of instant noodles.”
He Luo said, “Don’t curse him. A stomach problem isn’t something you can recover from in a few days. I’ll practice making porridge more often.”
Ye Zhi held up her bowl, laughing cheerfully. “Sure. Classmate Zhang Yuan has won your entire life’s compassion in one go.”
In the morning, He Luo has gone to the wet market to buy a fresh carp. After preparing the fish, she took out a glutinous rice she had been cooking the whole night, cut ginger slices to get rid of the fishy smell, and sprinkled green onions on the pan. She placed everything in the thermos and took a bus to see Zhang Yuan.
The weather was cold, roads slippery. He Luo had to walk very carefully. Zhang Yuan waited for her downstairs and, when he saw her, said, “Why are you walking like a penguin?” When he heard that He Luo brought him porridge for lunch, his eyebrows knitted together.
Stubbornly, he said, “You’re really, you’re the same as my mom. You all keep insisting that I eat lightly-seasoned food for this few months, it’s really pitiful for me.” Helplessly, he raised his spoon. “Don’t forget it’s you all who forced me to eat soft rice [to depend on women for a living]. I didn’t do it willingly.”
He Luo laughed at him and watched him finish the porridge. “This is some good stuff, too bad there’s no more left.” He sighed. “Where did you buy this? I also want to buy some.”
“No place sells this. I made it myself.”
“You?” Zhang Yuan looked at her, face full of disbelief. “If I’ve known earlier, I would’ve left some. So my mom, who has been a housewife for twenty years, can feel some shame.” He Luo got up to clean up the utensils. Zhang Yuan got close and said, “Let me clean the dishes. I’ve eaten so much after all, I need some exercise. Will you bring more in the future? This is not just your random and sudden whim, right?”
“I will.” He Luo tried to suppress a smile. The porridge was the result of her carefully following the instructions of Li Yun Wei’s grandma and practicing in her dorm for two months. When she came back, she even went to Li Yun Wei’s grandma’s place to make sure she was doing it right. Ye Zhi and the rest were not as lucky as Zhang Yuan. Earlier when she first started making the porridge, they were forced to be guinea pigs for less than tasty food. Once, she forgot to clean the carp properly. Ye Zhi ate one large bite, spat it out, and then screamed, “He Luo, are you trying to murder a person!”
After saying he was drowsy after the full meal, Zhang Yuan took an afternoon nap. He Luo went online. When she opened her QQ, the notifications came in non-stop. The sound woke Zhang Yuan, who was already sitting up on the bed, surrounded by the blanket. Excitedly, he began chatting with He Luo. “Your typing speed is pretty good,” he said. “But you’re still not as good as I am. When we get busy, we really go supersonic.”
He Luo was aware that his company was always busy. Lately they had even negotiated a deal to develop a taxi and bus dispatch system for a large transport company in the province. There would be a meeting in the evening, so she persuaded Zhang Yuan to take a nap. He finally laid on the bed, resting obediently.
Earlier Zhang Yuan insisted that, “I’m not that sleepy anymore. Let’s talk awhile longer.” But as soon as his head touched the pillow, he was fast asleep.
There were a few other people in the dorm room. He Luo can only occasionally steal a glance at Zhang Yuan. She looked at the childish look he wore as he slept, the familiar tall stature, her heart overflowed with feelings of satisfaction and acid. He was someone she once watched and longed for endlessly. That handsome face, that delicate and sharp facial structure ― those were now in front of her, just within touch. She had to suppress her desire to kiss him on his forehead, cheek, and lips. Honestly, she only wanted to trace his face with her finger. What He Luo wanted, was actually that simple.
There was a moment of brief silence in the room. He Luo’s heart felt exceptionally clear and calm. Even if there were many people entering and leaving the room, there were people quietly talking behind her, He Luo can only feel the presence of Zhang Yuan alone.
This moment belonged to his and her world alone. Just watching him sleep so serenely, the simple yet wholesome happiness was enough to suffocate He Luo. There was no debris in her heart, it was so clear she can quietly hear the passage of time. A voice shouted in her heart, “Stop! Time, please stop.” She really wished they could just grow old at this moment, black hair turning white overnight, never again separating.
[illustration by Kathrin Honesta]