* 37 *
Of course, there would be no third loop. It was a once-in-a-lifetime… uh, I mean, a miracle that would only happen once.
While she was around, it was a near-daily back and forth between the library and the apartment, and I had to prepare food for us both.
That night I worked up the courage to ask “When are you going to get out of here?”, but received a kick and a “You get out, big bro.”
She irritatedly asked “Did Honoka come by there?”
And so I was instructed to take my sister home. She said to lend her some money to get home if she needed it, and I said okay and hung up.
When I put down the receiver, my sister looked away and pretended she hadn’t been listening.
I was relieved. She was actually pretty understanding in that respect.
“Do you have enough to get home?”, I asked.
The snow was really bad, and the road wasn’t well-lit, so I was worried about my sister going alone.
We walked at a very strange distance from each other that I’d be hesitant to call “together.”
Besides, as someone who was planning to kill a man, I couldn’t be worrying about what every single person thought of me.
The bus terminal was wholly decrepit.
With all the gloom about, it almost felt like everyone here was trudging back home after having run away.
“Dirty place,” my sister quietly said. “Like your apartment.”
It was a terrible place. I wondered if a ride on the buses here would take you back decades or what.
I watched her briskly walk from behind. She seemed a lot less dependable than my first sister. Like I could just give her a shove and she’d topple over.
Should I, in fact, have lied to our mother?
She didn’t seem like the kind to run away from home in the first place.
Perhaps I should have at least sheltered her until she was satisfied?
I stole a glance at her, and we made eye contact, upon which she grumpily looked away.
So I at least wanted to say something before she went.
But I had no idea what to say. “Be happy” would be a laugh coming from me. And I rather die than have it said to me.
I spent the whole time thinking it over.
The time passed in a blink, and my sister stood up to board the bus. I stood up too and followed with her.
Just as my sister was boarding the bus, I said, loud enough to hear over the engine, “Hey.”
I was a coward even in front of my family the second time around.
My sister turned around, and for once, opened her eyes wide.
I was all too relieved just to see my sister smile.
* 38 *
My sister seemed to count on my word, as three days later, she visited me again.
As for what she did at my place, she studied, read, and, when she felt like it, went through a laundry list of insults concluded with “You’re hopeless, big brother.”
I didn’t know how he treated her, but he didn’t show any intent to scold or be nice to her; he just drove her home in silence. Yeah, it looked awkward, alright.
She seemed to be doing independent studies, so rather than force her to go to high school when she didn’t want to, why not let her read what she likes for a while?
“…Nah,” I replied.
“That’s likely.”
I scratched my head. After taking a sip of cocoa, she put her cup down and said “I’ll keep it a secret. But in return, I expect you to be more polite to me.”
As far as my sister skipping school went, even my thickheaded parents felt they were responsible, so they didn’t speak much of it.
If I were arrested for Tokiwa’s murder, how would this girl react?
And objectively speaking, if I were to commit suicide, it could be very persuasive.
Around the end of November, I remembered that there was a girl who persistently followed me around, although we weren’t talking stalking here.
But as usual, it was unbelievable stuff considering my second life. I wish I could have half of that, sheesh.
Why was I only reminded of that then? Well, that’s kind of a funny story.
I was sitting by the window on the second floor of a hamburger place in the city, reading a book, and periodically looking out below.
The reason being because nine times out of ten on the weekend, I’d see Tokiwa walking by in the afternoon.
It was Saturday, and I saw an alarming amount of couples passing by. There was hardly anyone walking alone who didn’t also appear to be in the middle of work.
It was the same no matter where you went this time of year. Maybe you could even consider it threatening.
It wasn’t, of course. It was just innocently making happy people happier.
But let’s say you have somebody who’s lost their mother, and every time they turn on the TV or go outside or do anything, they’re told “Mother’s Day is coming up!”
Seeing my sister enjoy reading so much got me interested myself, I guess. And since I had so much spare time, I asked “Got any recommendations?”
She recommended me a number of books prefaced with “for beginners.” And one of them - well, you might’ve guessed it already - was “The Catcher in the Rye.”
But when we’re talking “Avdotya Romanovna Raskolnikova,” I’m gonna start foaming at the mouth.
When I was about thirty pages in, I looked outside and saw a familiar face. I sat up and leaned for a closer look.
Had it not been for my well-trained eyes, I would have overlooked her. Indeed, my eyes and ears became very attentive through stalking.
Though I had no real reason to pursue her, I put away my tray and hurried out of the restaurant.
Not that I intended to talk to her, because what would I say? “Hey there, see we’re both still lonely. How’s that working out for you?”
I felt like there could be a hint toward improving my own life in there, somehow. I wanted to know how loners like us were to pass the cold winter.
I guess by making the Tokiwa thing a daily routine, I had no opposition to stalking people anymore.
My thought processes were exactly like those of a criminal. Man, that makes me shiver, and not from cold.
By the way, I ought to reveal something that I kept quiet about before. You remember when I talked about Hiiragi, right?
But actually, we went to the same university. And maybe it’s because we both knew that that we didn’t talk on that last day of high school.
Yep, that was Hiiragi. It relieves me to see how people don’t change. I’m one to talk, of course.
There were very few who immediately knew who you were talking about when you said “Hiiragi,” even in her department. She was just that forgettable.
I tried to do the same things, but I knew how much better she was at those techniques.
I didn’t know the details, but it appeared Hiiragi lived somewhere not far from my apartment.
I might have been giving Hiiragi a lot of the same glances unconsciously. Those judging yet sympathizing glances.
In high school, I thought gloomy people like me were bound by fate to beer, but I don’t think that’s quite true.
Hiiragi swiftly moved through the dim town. She was a fast walker.
People accustomed to being alone forget how to walk with others, and they’re always displeased with where they are, want to be anywhere but, so they walk really fast - that’s my theory, anyway.
They walked so dreadfully slowly, lightly pushing each other, cuddling with each other, looking at each other, that tailing them was a huge pain.
How fast you walk when there’s nothing particularly urgent to attend to is a great indicator of happiness. I mean it.
So I thought about all that as I followed Hiiragi. In addition to walking fast, she had a terrible sense of direction.
She’d come to a stop, suddenly cross the street, then cross back to the side she was on before.
What was she even trying to do? I knew she wasn’t good with directions, but I’d never seen it so bad before.
But the real reason was actually quite clear. If you followed Hiiragi’s gaze, it was obvious what her target was.
Even I could figure it out at that point.
Yes, you probably guessed it already - it was Tokiwa who Hiiragi was following.
I knew Hiiragi and I were similar, but we didn’t have to be that similar, I thought.
* 42 *
There was a lot I could presume from this. Like I said before, Hiiragi wasn’t acting much like herself that day.
But it clicked when I realized she wore it to make herself unidentifiable. And indeed, it succeeded in making you think it wasn’t Hiiragi.
Hiiragi was Tokiwa’s stalker. Unlike me, she was a real stalker who did it because of her affection for him.
I kept watching for ten or twenty more minutes to confirm that Hiiragi was indeed stalking Tokiwa, then stopped.
Now that I wasn’t walking, I suddenly felt chilly, the hand I held my cigarette in trembling.
Every time the automatic doors opened, I heard “Sleigh Ride” from inside. Like on the other side of that door was a land of pure happiness.
Thinking about how Hiiragi (who I thought my one ally) was obsessed with Tokiwa (I suppose my greatest enemy) depressed me.
I’d bet money on it. Because I had that inclination myself in my second life.
Hiiragi’s goal was Tokiwa, my goal was Tsugumi. And Tokiwa liked Tsugumi, and Tsugumi liked Tokiwa.
If I hadn’t taken to unattainable Tsugumi, and Hiiragi didn’t try to go for Tokiwa when they were worlds apart, then we could settle this with a lot less sorrow.
If I killed Tokiwa, it would make Hiiragi sad, I thought.
Considering what Hiiragi was like, it seemed a likely possibility.
No matter what it came to, Tokiwa was Tsugumi’s to the end.
Luckily, the red [translator’s note: blue] book was still where I left it. I put it in my bag and left once more.
I met eyes with a man.
In contrast, he called my name with a smile. Nostalgically, like he was glad to meet me again.
“Hey, hey! It’s been too long! You been doing well?”, he greeted me, sitting in the seat in front.
I stopped in my tracks with a vague smirk and clumsily sat down across from him. Looked like I didn’t even know how to sit in a chair.
I couldn’t understand why he was talking to me with such familiarity.
In ways easily understood as such, nowhere near the fine line where it could be considered teasing.
Point is, Usumizu bullied me, and that’s all you need to know.
I struggled to keep myself from being reminded of those times. But those kinds of memories are like a mouth ulcer.
As much as I tried to forget, I always had dreams about it. But oddly, I wasn’t dreaming about being bullied.
Well, clearly that was a product of my latent desires. If possible, I didn’t want to antagonize anyone, no. I wanted to be get along even with those who bullied me.
But thinking of it that way made me sad, so on the surface I just despised him.
Actually, I wanted to do the same, and say “Hey, it’s been a while. I’m fine, how about you?” That was among my hopes.
I told him the university I went to, and he said “Whoa, dang! You’re smart!”
But that’s always how it is. The bullies forget, but the bullied remember for life.
Typical stuff about his spectacular college life. Shouldn’t have asked, I regretted as I nodded my way through it.
While unwillingly listening to his story, I began to get used to this Usumizu person, and finally got a good look at his face.
Despite looking me right in the face, his eyes kept wandering off.
It was as if he was nervous to be sitting in front of me. But at the same time, he was clearly overjoyed he had a chance to see me.
It was seriously abrupt, so I thought he’d remembered something really important.
After staring at his lap for five seconds, he said “I gave up.”
He said “Forget it. That was all lies,” leaned back in the chair, and sighed with his hands put together between his legs.
“Yes, it was all a lie. I don’t go to college. And I don’t work, either. It’s been months since I had a real conversation with someone. I haven’t heard myself speak in so long. I’m so nervous I can’t stop sweating.”
What was this guy trying to tell me all of a sudden?
* 44 *
Taking a closer look, Usumizu’s coat was pretty drab, with pilling all over. His hair was unkempt, his cheeks were thin, and his eyes were sullen.
“Yeah,” he smiled with slight worry. “I really just wanted someone to listen, I think. …Hey, do you know the feeling? Like, that sense you haven’t done a single thing right your whole life.”
“I don’t want you to understand,” he shook his head. “Then my despair’ll just seem like some stale, commonplace thing.”
Usumizu looked out the window. The lights in the arcade shone blue, white, green, and red.
I looked at him in silence.
“Me and you, we had promising futures as kids. Wouldn’t be strange in the slightest to see us both leading pretty girls around. Wouldn’t be odd to lead a picturesque youth, neither. …I don’t think it’s that we were careless. Somewhere, there was a single cog that got misaligned. And that one cog got all these other ones mucked up, and in the end, all the cogs went awry. And now they’re just strewn all over the floor, beyond repair.”
“…Ever thought that you were one of the ones who messed up my cogs?”, I asked. Reviving that topic didn’t seem very productive, but I felt it couldn’t go unasked.
"I’m flattered,” I sarcastically smiled.
“Kinder than I thought,” Usumizu grinned.
“…Well, I’m gonna be going now. Not sure if I’m glad we could talk or not, but thanks anyway. Still, talking to you’s bringing back stuff I don’t want back. Thought I remembered them already, but… when I see you, it comes flooding back more vividly.”
But somehow, I found myself subtly stuffing two 10,000 yen bills in the pocket of his heavy backpack.
I just wanted to do it, so I did.
After he left, I felt something trying to piece itself together in my head. I had no idea what it was at first, but over time, I realized I was trying to recall something.
Yes, it wasn’t just that he ruined me - I ruined him, and then he ruined me.
Back at the apartment, I took a shower and had two drinks of whiskey on the rocks.
In less than an hour, my eyes were worn out. I put the book on the desk and drank whiskey in silence, staring into the middle distance.
At times like these, I always daydreamed about Hiiragi. I imagined she was at her own apartment, drinking and reading alone like me.
I just liked to think that someone else, somewhere else, was doing the same thing. Feeling like I wasn’t the only one made the good and bad not matter as much.
I think I heard my sister muttering things in her sleep.
Once more, I prayed that I’d wake up to a third round.
“Gotta return library books,” she said. “Wake up.”
But it was one of those rare cloudless days, with rather clear skies. Sometimes a strong wind would blow leaves across the asphalt, making rustling sounds.
Once at the library, my sister carried a bundle of books inside.
I went back outside to the corner of the parking lot and lit up a cigarette.
It looked to be some sort of storage area, with lots of junk scattered about.
A lone outdoor unit breathed laboriously amid the garbage.
I sat on a fence and smoked.
I looked over the garbage once more. The second me had become much more at ease from coming to these lonely places.
But as it turned out, I was whistling Jingle Bell Rock. I quickly stuffed the melody in my mouth once I realized, as I was not enjoying Christmas as that would have indicated.
After that, I left the library area for some ruins across the road. This was another favorite place of mine.
With a closer look, of course, one could see many real cracks as well.
By the window was an old piano, which just seemed like such a waste.
I looped around to the back of the building. The former parking lot had rusty Kei cars and motorcycles with missing tires.
I hated to look at ongoing happiness, but I liked to get a whiff of its scent once it was gone. A weak smell of “Perhaps there was happiness here once.”
After going around for about ten minutes, I returned to the library’s bicycle area.
It was not my sister. And much like me, she was lighting a cigarette.
She recognized me, looked at me for about two seconds, then looked hesitant for a moment.
Including all the events of middle school, Tsugumi was the one most deserving to look concerned when she saw me.
Still, she was always a very polite girl, so she awkwardly greeted me.
I had no idea Tsugumi was a smoker.
For as much as I wanted to be with and talk to Tsugumi, when the time came, I couldn’t get anything out.
If we did make eye contact, I felt like she’d look right through my miserable head.
“Come to check out some books? Or are you studying?”, Tsugumi asked.
“Yeah, to check out books. Well, but really, I’m just escorting my little sister…”
“A little, yeah… Maybe just because I’ve been coming to the library lately.”
Perhaps she didn’t know many readers. My first self rarely read books at all, after all.
“Catcher?”, she nodded. “That one goes on my top shelf. Er, which is to say it’s a big favorite of mine. …What did you think of it?”
I couldn’t mess this up, or she’d just think I’m boring.
“Generally,” I began, “it’s a story about the unique animosity young people have toward the world. …Er, or that’s how it’s often interpreted.”
“That is, um…” I scratched my head. “Well, once I started to feel that the existing interpretations weren’t quite right, I kind of wondered how I should be reading it…”
I searched for the words once more. Yeesh, if I’d known this was going to happen, I’d have taken my notebook.
“…When I see Holden, what I think is, it’s only natural he’d be so pissed off, because he has proper sensibilities. It’s not because he’s young and inexperienced that he’s mad about nonsense and phonies. In a way, it’s like The Emperor’s New Clothes. But like the Japanese translator says, Holden isn’t necessarily written to be a symbol of innocence. When a child speaks out and says "But he isn’t wearing anything at all!”… in Catcher, that just gets him dismissed as a heretic.“
I spoke eloquently. Unfortunately, my tongue was sluggish due to not having said anything that long in ages, but I at least established a sort of rhythm in the conversation. Finally, I’d managed to say what I wanted.
Tsugumi seemed pleased. "He isn’t wearing anything at all,” she repeated. “That’s another story I like, actually. It’s an amazing text for getting multiple interpretations out of. Hey, do you mind if I change the subject a little?”
Tsugumi took time to carefully pick her words.
“…When I look at our society, I feel like there are a great number of people who are made out to be naked emperors. Basically, there’s an emperor who actuallywears clothes that idiots can’t see. But the masses are filled with idiots, so none of them can see the clothes. One extremely foolish child among them speaks up. "But he’s not wearing anything!”, he says. Suddenly all the idiots around him are relieved, and they start to say “he’s not wearing anything” too. The emperor hastily insists, “No, no, that’s not true at all. There are people who have seen them!”, but even when he tries to show them the clothes as proof, the idiots confidently say “Well, I don’t see anything.” …Do you see what I’m trying to say?“
The conversation itself was rather trifling. No real significance to it at all.
I prayed that it could last just a little longer.
“Oh yeah, Tsugumi… You smoke? I’m surprised,” I said, lighting a Pall Mall.
“Only you know.” It had a nice ring to it.
I want to say we talked for about thirty minutes total. We were so engrossed in conversation, we didn’t want to move from that spot.
“Sorry for all the weird tangents. I guess I got carried away since I don’t have anyone to talk to about that stuff. But… I don’t know about you, but I had a great time. Thanks. See you.”
After Tsugumi left, I looked to the moon and reflected on our conversation for a little while.
How economical of me to get such joy from that little conversation.
Not to mention, I still had not noticed the fatal mistake I was making.
My sister was already at the car, and when I arrived, she said “Five minutes late!” and whacked me in the head five times.
“…Nah,” I denied. “She was just kind enough to talk to me.”
“It’s different. You and I are merely on good terms.”
I could recreate the thirty minute talk down to the slightest detail. Rather than grow muddled as memories do, it felt like it became clearer every time.
I had no need to find justice in my actions. All that mattered was if Tokiwa’s existence made me happy or unhappy.
Thus, I would kill him. That seemed fine to me.
I slapped my cheeks with both hands to liven myself up.
“You look like you’re having fun. It’s weird.”
“Bad way.”
She threw aside the book she was holding.
“You can treat sucky books rough. Didn’t you know?”, she replied.
She thought for a moment, then answered.
“The kid in this book thinks answering a question is the same thing as thinking.”
“I don’t get it, but… What, do you mean it’s best to leave questions unanswered?”
After going that far, she appeared to feel she’d said too much and quickly shut her mouth.
“Well, I’m not trying to look like I’m having fun. So what exactly makes you say that?”
“Have I?”, I said, playing dumb.
Indeed, since tailing Tokiwa with the same clothes could raise suspicion, I was mixing it up lately.
After all, before I had no problem wearing the same clothes to college two days in a row. I didn’t expect anyone to care how I looked.
“Could you have gotten a girlfriend, maybe? In which case it’s awkward for me to be here?”
However, it was true I was in love. My sister was surprisingly good at seeing through me, it seemed.
“Unfortunately, that’s not the case,” I answered.
“I want to become a faceless person. Just blending into the crowd. It’s my hope that after people pass me by, they’ll have already forgotten my face - that’s how little impression I leave. And rather than wear plain clothes in empty places, I’ve found it’s more effective to dress like everyone else and wander where the people are.”
“So like an invisible man?”
“Weird,” she dubiously said. “Alright, so you didn’t get a girlfriend. …Where are you going today?”
“Even though you don’t go to school?”, my sister said somewhat ironically - likely also scorning herself for her lack of attendance.
I replied, “I’m studying because I don’t go. It sounds contradictory, but I don’t want to be a dropout. I don’t go to school because I don’t want to go, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do something with myself. Things like job qualifications and English, I can study by myself.”
“See you,” she said to cut off the conversation. It was a “see you” with the nuance of “get out already.”
* 49 *
I would never be able to know now, but I wonder. If I had been given a fourth perfect chance to kill Tokiwa, would I have done it? Could I have?
It was too high-risk, after all. If only I were more charming, I would be better off not murdering anyone.
The biggest problem for me was that even if my crime managed to go undetected, my own guilt would soon give myself away.
…Of course, like I said before, three of those chances had shown themselves and I let them all pass.
The fourth time would be different, though.
Before, I’d felt that perhaps Tsugumi was too unattainable for my second-life self. So even if I had killed Tokiwa, she would never take solace in me.
In my first life, I’d been an extrovert and her an introvert, but the second time, we would both be introverts and get along better than ever. I was sure that would be the case.
Yet even with those feelings, the question of whether I’d really kill Tokiwa when given a fourth chance to… I couldn’t give an unconditional answer.
On the other hand, sometimes I had made decisions confidently enough to surprise myself, so it was possible I might kill Tokiwa without skipping a beat.
At any rate, I can’t know now. A fourth chance never came.
* 50 *
At a glance, everything seemed to be coming together. Almost too well, even.
Tokiwa went to a bar with Tsugumi and stayed there for an hour. After taking her to at the bus stop, he started walking for the train station. That part was his usual routine.
It was like he was following a self-imposed rule that he had to turn at every corner he felt like turning. Unable to guess his destination, tailing him took a lot of effort.
The lights leaking out of houses seemed unusually lovely that winter night. It was even better with a bit of alcohol.
Finally, the time arrived. Tokiwa was headed for a bridge.
I had done a scrupulous investigation of the town, and I knew there were no places more suited for pushing someone to their death than that bridge.
By coming to such a place drunk, he was practically telling me to kill him.
I suddenly thought that if I let this chance pass, there would be none to follow. I don’t know why, but I felt like this fourth one would absolutely be the last.
I have to finish this here, I told myself.
Tokiwa slowly walked to around the middle of the bridge. I closed the distance between us, keeping my footsteps quiet.
Yes, I was oddly calm. Even now, I was able to think about these things as if it wasn’t even real.
Tokiwa suddenly stopped - I had no time to guess why - and sat on the railing, as if to peer down at the river.
Like he had known I was there all along.
How long ago had he noticed me? How far?
Did he want to talk to me? If he did, why did it need to be here?
Maybe he had only noticed me in the past few minutes - if that were so, did it disrupt my plans?
Even then I could have easily pushed Tokiwa to his death. Perhaps I didn’t because I was just too surprised by, or rather curious about, his actions.
The iron railings were so cold it felt like my hands would get stuck. But I had to hold onto them, of course; I could easily fall.
“I know you’ve been following me, more or less. And I’ve gathered enough proof that it wouldn’t be easy for you to get away. Forgive me, but I asked a friend to tail you. Yes, it was a double-stalking, so to speak. …Boy, I never thought I’d get to say that one day.”
And I realized that I could use it not only for pushing Tokiwa for his death, but for jumping to mine. That would be one way to resolve things. Never mind if I had the guts to do it.
“I gave you three chances before this. I intentionally fabricated three occasions while you were following me where you could easily inflict harm upon me. …But of course, as you’ve now seen, I allowed just enough time for me to save myself if you did threaten any violence.”
I took my hands off the railing, reached into my pocket, and timidly lit a cigarette.
“The week after the college festival day,” he replied. “That was fairly early on, I’d expect? I would think it wasn’t long after you began.”
He replied unconcerned. “Really self-conscious people don’t let themselves be