148 Can't Live Without Him
"Calm down, Li Shen!" Jiao S shouted at me!
My mind was caught in a flurry of emotions, and I could not deal with losing Nie Zun a second time. It felt like the only reprieve to such agony was to inflict pain on myself, so that it could replace the pain in my heart!
I had never expected that I actually relied on Nie Zun so much that I could not pull myself out of this!
I hated him initially. I blamed him for all my shortcomings, and piled all that pain upon him, as if that was the only way for me to lessen the agony I felt. Even as a mental patient who had already been ostracized for years, I knew the problem did not lie with me. I love my family and my friends, so what right did this world have to abandon me and treat me like a monster?
Even if she shared a body with me, and there were two different personalities in me, who did I let down in all these years?
It was the world that let me down, while I only let one person down, the one I loved.
Yes, I killed Gao Qi and I am paying the price for it now, right here in this place.
But Nie Zun was not at fault. It was only until today did I realize, Nie Zun did not do any wrong.
He felt even lonelier than me, but who did he blame for it?
Everyone avoided him when he was alive, and even here in the Split Zone. He did not do any wrong!
Even if everyone around him ended up dying, this didn't mean that he caused those deaths! What did he do wrong that people had to treat him in such a way?!
What did he do wrong that I had to treat him like this even after he arrived here in the Split Zone?!
He was always behind me, looking at me silently.
Now that I think about it, when was I ever lonely after arriving in the Split Zone? Never.
Because he was always by my side, always behind me.
Did anything harm me after I arrived in the Split Zone? Nothing.
I have my MF, and I was always being protected by him. I was never hurt.
He and Li Qing had always protected me, even when I became District Commander and received the support of the Western District residents. There was nothing I was particularly unhappy with nor was there anything that upset me.
What bothered me was what happened when I was alive, my past. When I started my new life here in the Split Zone, there was nothing which caused me pain.
But this was not the case for Nie Zun. It was because of me that he ended up with a chance of getting hurt.
Nie Zun did not like to speak initially, and he was always silently following behind me. At that time, I gave him the cold shoulder, and I hated that I could always see him every time I turned back.
I had to admit that even though I hated it at the time, being able to see him every time I turned gave me a sort of security.
I had never felt secure before this, and this was something that others might not be able to empathize with.
I simply felt insecure when I alive. Every single person I see would almost always roll their eyes at me or avoid me as best as they can.
But after arriving in the Split Zone, those beautiful, starry eyes of his had always been on me.
Just what was it that blinded me so much that I could ignore such a feeling of security it gave me?
Think about it, if there would always be somebody by your side protecting you no matter what you do, who would hate such a thing?
As I thought about this, I clutched at Jiao S, crying. "I was wrong. I was always wrong. I can't live without him…"
I saw a tenderness in Jiao S's big eyes, and she took my hand in hers.
Yes, I was wrong.
Nie Zun was beside me as we had our meals, even though it made no difference to us if we ate or not.
Nie Zun was beside me as we slept, even though I was not afraid of the dark, I was afraid of being alone in the dark.
Because of Nie Zun, I did not have to work so hard to learn how to use MF, as I always felt that since we could not be separated, he would have to protect me since he could not leave this place if I died either.
He also said to me, 'I will always protect you'.
Even up till now, he was still protecting me.
But what did I bring him?
From his initial silence, to how he started smiling more, to how he started making fun of me and being goofy, when did I ever think about the reasons behind these changes?
What did he think about every day? Did he want to leave the Split Zone? Was the tie between us a restriction to him? Did I ever consider his position at all?
I never did.
I never did anything for him. And I don't even know the reason he turned out this way today.
I knew nothing about him, while he was always protecting me.
I would rather die than go through this.
Now that I was here, I did not carry much hope. The only thing that was not a source of pain was the fact that he was always by my side, albeit it was forced upon us.
But he was leaving me for some unknown reason, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not make him stay.
What was my purpose of being here?
I looked at Jiao S without moving. "He's no longer here, what's the point of me being here?"
Jiao S did not speak, and I felt Gaoqin Jiuye grabbing my other hand, pulling me up from the ground!
I struggled! I had no strength left to stand!
In the end, I sat down in a heap on the ground, but he still did not let go of my hand.
Jiao S crouched in front of me, her long hair sweeping the ground. I could see worry in those huge eyes of hers.
Gaoqin Jiuye bent down, looking at me with a cold gaze. "What purpose? Li Shen, have you forgotten why you're here? I'm telling you now, I didn't force you to come here, you came here voluntarily! Because you're running away, you're avoiding the fact that you killed Gao Qi! Now you're asking me about your purpose of being here. Does this mean that you're finally sick of this place and you want to leave?"
"Why did you choose to stay then? Back when I gave you a chance to leave? Since you're sick of this place, why didn't you leave?!"
Gaoqin Jiuye was extremely agitated.
My tears were already dry by now, and I looked at him, stunned.
"Yes, why did I stay…" I muttered.
"Why can't you be more like me? I'd rather let everyone down, rather than have everyone let me down." Gaoqin Jiuye looked at me with pained eyes.
"Why were you never selfish when you were alive? Even after arriving here, you're still not allowing yourself to be selfish?"
I was still stunned. "What're you talking about?"
Gaoqin Jiuye looked me in the eye squarely. "What I'm saying is that, you've never thought for yourself when you were alive, even when everyone let you down, ostracized you and hated you. If I were you, I'd kill every single one of them! But you, I should be happy that you finally killed him, but you kept blaming yourself, and you've avoided the matter by escaping here! It's hell here! There's nothing wrong in killing him! Why did you have to go to hell?! Why can't you just be a little more selfish?"
Jiao S looked at Gaoqin Jiuye calmly, before taking another look at me.
My emotions began to stabilize because of Gaoqin Jiuye's sudden outburst and his words.
What did it mean by… thinking for myself when I was alive?
I grabbed him. "Just who are you, why do you know everything about me?"
Gaoqin Jiuye paused at my question, and that emotion and the fire in his eyes seemed to have been largely smothered.
His expression then changed in a second, to one that looked like it belonged to someone who had seen too much of this world and was already tired of it.
"Li Shen, have you fell in love with Nie Zun?"
"Have you fell in love with someone else again?"
His eyes were full of despair.
My heart hurt. Why did it hurt so badly?
It felt like an emotion that was usually ignored, but it was appearing now. I did not understand this, and I could not tell what it felt like.
Have I fallen in love with Nie Zun?
I turned to look at Jiao S. "I can't live without him. Help me look for him," holding her hand as I said so.
Jiao S looked at me, nodding slowly.
I felt Gaoqin Jiuye's hand turn stiff, and he let go of my hand abruptly.
"You said you will only love Gao Qi." He looked at me willfully.
I looked at him stubbornly, saying, "You also said you only care about Si Luo."
It was clear what I was trying to get at. Since you only cared about Si Luo, why are you being so pretentious right now? Weren't you always heartless and cruel, even towards me? If you brought me here just to gain power, why did you have to sympathize with me now?
I just want Nie Zun to return.
"I let Gao Qi down by killing him, and I'll make up for it in here forever. But I can't live without Nie Zun, and I'll definitely get him back. He's gravely injured and disfigured, and I should be protecting him now, so how could I let him leave all alone."
As I calmed down, I spoke resolutely, looking at Gaoqin Jiuye.
"He's disfigured?" Jiao S asked with a frown.
It hurt but I nodded, answering her. "I just saw him, and something's off about him. He was disfigured, and three of his fingers are gone. One of his eyes also turned red."
"Bodies of consciousness in the Split Zone don't usually get injuries that can't heal. Disfigurement and losing his fingers? Did he already become an experimental subject, and like Jie Pa, he's not able to heal?" Jiao S voiced her thoughts.
Gaoqin Jiuye asked abruptly, "I'll ask you again. Do you really not wish to leave this place?"
I smiled at him. "I've already told you, I'm not leaving."
Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be doing it now.