110 Forgetting Him, Forgetting Myself?
My heart hurt.
"Li Shen, when were you diagnosed with your psychological disorder?" Nie Zun asked suddenly.
I broke out in a layer of cold sweat…
Bro, that's not a mental illness…
Fine… It's actually considered one…
I rolled my eyes inwardly. "In high school, probably during my sophomore year."
He smiled. "I've been called a freak since I was little. Actually, no, since I was born. Everyone around me kept dying, and people said I caused it."
It felt as if there was something stuck in my throat, and I could not speak.
"Li Shen, you think you killed the man you loved the most?
"But I feel like I've caused the death of everyone I loved, and those who loved me most…" Nie Zun's voice was soft, his eyes an ocean of solitude.
My heart ached like never before. This was a different type of pain from what I usually felt.
"You think there's no place for you in that world and you can't be redeemed? I don't even dare think about the word 'redemption'… I just hope that I'd stop bringing harm to others… I've never asked to be forgiven…
"At least you're stuck in a dilemma between going back, and wondering if you should be going back. I don't even know what I should do. You can blame your other personality and pour your hatred on her, Li Shen. But who should I hate?"
Nie Zun looked at me with what seemed like the most tender gaze in the world, hiding the anguish deep within.
I cannot describe what I felt, but I knew what I wanted to do, and what I had to do.
I reached out and hugged him. His back was cold, and I turned to lean my cheek near his heart, hearing his heartbeat.
"Why is it so difficult to warm someone's heart…" I murmured.
"Promise me, try to recall those lost memories, try to remember what she was like, before making a decision…" Nie Zun said.
My heart tightened, and I nodded.
A wave of tiredness hit me. After so many days without rest, I could finally sleep.
I was dreaming again.
I sighed lightly as I entered the dreamscape. Again, I was not a spectator, but a participant in this. I was myself in the dream.
It had been hectic and a long time since I last slept, and I started dreaming once I fell asleep. I knew the reason I was able to participate in the dream was because I did not remember this, and every dream was an opportunity to recall the pieces of broken memories.
I laughed at my ability to calmly analyze this situation. Should I be happy about this? I would rather be a lazy and dumb girl, not thinking of anything every day.
I suddenly thought of what Li Qing mentioned previously. Ta Lai's lover, Bian Ying – the only other person who was just like me, was able to personally participate in her dreams too. I remember Li Qing saying that over time, Bian Ying could even control what happened in her dreams.
But if what we saw were just fragments of lost memory, how was she able to manipulate that? Or could that have been her subconscious forcing her to do certain things?
In between my thoughts, I found myself on that rooftop again. It was a familiar place where I used to wait for Gao Qi and spend time with him
He was always reading alone on the rooftop; it could be Goethe's Faust or Hugo's Les Misérables. I used the excuse of reading to stay together with him, but in fact, I just wanted to steal glances at him.
I knew I liked him a lot. Liking someone like this is just like being an avid, crazy fan of an idol, or being so unwilling to let go of a belonging of yours. I liked him so much, to the point that I could not pull myself out of it.
I remembered in the previous dream, he asked me how much I liked him, and if I would be willing to die for him.
I know I would not die for anyone, because life is precious. This is also why I cannot forgive myself for taking somebody else's life.
I was confused before, on why Gao Qi would ask that of me.
"Even if I'm not as I seemed, even if I'm not the person you thought I was, will you still be able to stay with me?"
"They called you a weirdo but I know you're the only one who understands me, right?"
"Ah Shen, how in love with me are you?" "Are you willing to die for me?"
The memory of that previous dream was still fresh, and if that was really a fragment of my memory, then it might not be a simple coincidence that I am dreaming again. The previous dream ended when Gao Qi asked me those questions, and I wonder if I would be able to find the answers this time?
In my previous dream, Gao Qi professed his love for me. Did I agree?
Was I together with him when I was alive? Could that have been possible? That dream was a reality? If so, how could I have forgotten such a thing?
Now that I think of it this way, I should dream more often. Since I thought it would be painful to recall, never did I expect that there might be some important bits in these lost memories of mine. Even if it was tiring, this was an opportunity for me to pick up the lost pieces of memory.
Maybe Nie Zun was right, I should give my second personality a chance, a chance to return the truth to me.
No matter who you are, I'm now ready to face the truth. Tell me, what exactly happened.
"Ah Shen, you're here."
I heard Gao Qi's voice behind me. Keeping my composure, I flashed a brilliant smile at him as I turned.
He looked exactly the same as how I remembered him to be, that gentle face and smile, holding a book in his hand.
"Want to take a look at the new book I brought today?" He walked over and handed me a book which was moderately thick.
Not sure how this dream would develop, I chose to take the book. It was heavier than I imagined it would be, and my hands sunk slightly under the weight.
I looked at the name of the book in shock.
'The 1003rd Type of Shattered Corpses'
What… kind of book is this?
The cover was khaki in color and looked old and dirty. Though it did not look thick, it felt rather heavy in my hands.
"This is…?" I looked up at Gao Qi.
Gao Qi smiled. "This is a book on dissection."
My hairs stood on end. Why did I not know Gao Qi liked reading these books? Why did I not have any impression of this? I knew he had unique interests, but I thought he was just into western literature like me, maybe some novels that explored the dark side of humanity. But he actually liked to read about dissection?
"What's wrong? Why do you look so shocked, Ah Shen? Forgot that I'm in Forensic Medicine?" Gao Qi's voice was melodic and alluring.
Forensic Medicine… Gao Qi studied Forensic Medicine?!
Yes he majors in Forensic Medicine… Why didn't I think of this earlier?
I remembered this as soon as I got reminded of it. That's right, Gao Qi majors in Forensic Medicine.
"Anyway, if I wasn't doing Forensic Medicine, you'd find me weird if I read such books, right?
"You think I'm a weirdo too, just like the others?" Slight pain flashed past Gao Qi's eyes, but his voice did not carry the slightest hint of blame.
My heart tightened, and I reached for his face.
He held onto my outstretched hand, and the chill from his fingers reminded me of Nie Zun.
Nie Zun was always this cold.
"Ah Shen, since we're already together, don't leave me, please," Gao Qi said, embracing me in a hug.
Leaning against his shoulder, I shivered slightly in his arms.
We were… together? We got together after what happened in that previous dream? Like lovers?
"We… How long have we been together?" I asked hesitantly.
Gao Qi sounded gentle, "Almost a month. You forgot again, dumbo."
I pushed him away gently, looking into his eyes. I did not know what to say. This face which drew me like a moth to a flame is right in front of me now, telling me that he and I are lovers, and that we have already been together for almost a month now.
However, I did not seem happy about this. I could not remember a thing, and I do not recall anything about this particular piece of memory which seemed like it was a real fragment from the past.
What exactly happened then?
Did she really have her reasons?
No, I cannot create excuses for her, I cannot forgive her. She took over my body and hurt my lover.
But… I looked at the face in front of me.
How much did I forget…
"Ah Shen, I'll bring you to the lab, okay?" Gao Qi pulled me by the hand, his gaze gentle. I nodded, as if possessed.
Gao Qi walked down from the rooftop unhurriedly.
There were some glances as we passed through the school grounds. These gazes were chilly, full of jealousy and incredulity.
Still like this even when we've been together for a month?
"Gao Qi, why are you together with me?" I asked as we walked.
Gao Qi answered without turning back, "Because I like you, don't you know that?"
He looked back after speaking. His smile looked mischievous and his gaze seemed to contain a slight malice.
I was rather stunned. This gaze, why did it resemble Gaoqin Jiuye so much?