This was just; and however illegal were the means, I applauded them for the end.
Our friend B___d, that incorrigible punster, said, "that his horse had put his foot in--and he had paid his footing,"
B___d, by the bye, is a nonpareil; whether horses, guns, or dogs, he is always "at home:" and even in yachting, (as he truly boasts) he is never "at sea." Riding with him one day in an omnibus, I praised the convenience of the vehicle; "An excellent vehicle," said he, "for punning;"--which he presently proved, for a dowager having flopped into one of the seats, declared that she "never rid vithout fear in any of them omnibus things."
"What is she talking about?" said I.
"De omnibus rebus," replied he,--"truly she talks like the first lady of the land; but, as far as I can see, she possesses neither the carriage nor the manners!"
"Can you read the motto on the Conductor's button?" I demanded. "No;" he replied, "but I think nothing would be more appropriate to his calling than the monkish phrase--'pro omnibus curo!'"
At this juncture a jolt, followed by a crash, announced that we had lost a wheel. The Dowager shrieked. "We shall all be killed," cried she; "On'y to think of meeting vun's death in a common omnibus!"
"Mors communis omnibus!" whispered B___d, and----
I had written thus far, when spit--spit--splutter--plop!--my end of candle slipped into the blacking bottle in which it was "sustained," and I was left to admire--the stars of night, and to observe that "Charles's wain was over the chimney;" so I threw down my pen--and, as the house was a-bed--and I am naturally of a "retiring" disposition, I sought my pallet--dreaming of literary fame!--although, in the matter of what might be in store for me, I was completely in the dark!
AN INTERCEPTED LETTER FROM DICK SLAMMER TO HIS FRIEND SAM FLYKE.
eppin-toosday
my dear sam
i've rote this ere for to let you no i'm in jolly good health and harty as a brick--and hope my tulip as your as vell----read this to sal who can't do the same herself seeing as her edication aintt bin in that line ----give her my love and tell her to take care o' the kids.----i've got a silk vipe for sal, tell her; and suffing for 'em all, for i've made a xlent spec o' the woy'ge and bagg'd some tin too i can tell you; and vont ve have a blow out ven i cums amung you----napps----that's the ass----is particklar vell and as dun his dooty like a riq'lar flint----
i rode too races ar' needn't say as i vun em for napps is a houtanhouter an no mistake!
lork! didn't i make the natifs stare! and a gintlum as vos by, vanted to oan 'im an oferd any blunt for im but walker! says i there aint sick a ass as this 'ere hanimal in the hole country----besides he's like as vun o' me oan famly, for i've brot im up in a manner from the time he vos a babby!----he's up to a move or too and knows my voice jist for all the world like a Chrissen.
Red-nose Bill vot had a nook 'em down here brings this and he'll tell you all about the noose----i shall foller in about, a veek or so----tell sal to keep up her sperrits and not to lush vith Bet----i dont like that ere ooman at all----a idle wagabone as is going to the Union like vinkin----i'm no temperens cove meself as you nose, sam, but enufs enuf and as good as a feast.
The gintry as taken hervite a likin to Napps and me----they looks upon im as hervite a projidy----for he's licked all the donkies as run agin im----the vimmen too----(you no my insinnivating vay, sam,) and nobody nose better than me how to git the right sow by the ear----no sooner do i see 'em a comin vith their kids, than i slips of and doffs my tile, an i says, says i----do let the yung jentlum have a cast----and then the little in coorse begins a plegyin the old 'uns, and----so the jobs done!
----vot's to pay, my good man? says she
----oh----nothink, marm, says i, as modest as a turnip new-peeld----napps is a rig'lar racer----i dont let im hout but i'm so fond o' children!
----this here Yummeree doos the bisnis prime, for the vimmen comes over the jentlum and a pus is made up for anuther race----and in coorse i pockits the Bibs----cos vy?----napps is nothink but a good 'un.
'tother day hearin as there vos an hunt in the naborwood:----napps, says i-a----speakin to my ass----napps ve'll jist go and look at 'em----
----vell ve hadnt got no more nor a mile wen i comes slap alongside of a starch-up chap upatop of raythur a good lookin' oss.----but my i! vornt there bellows to mend; and he made no more vay nor a duck in a gutter.----i says, sir, says i, dye think ve shall be in time for the hunt? but he never turns is hed but sets bolt uprite as stiff as pitch----jist for all the world as if his mother had vashed im in starch.
----i twigs his lean in a jiffy----so i says says i "oh-you needn't be so shy i rides my own hannimal,"----
----vich i takes it vos more nor he co'd say, for his vas nothin more nor a borrod'un and if i dont mistake he vos a vitechapler----i think ive seed im a sarvin out svipes and blue ruin at the gin-spinners corner o'
summerset street or petticut lane----dunno witch.
----sam, i hates pride so i cuts his cumpny----i says says i----napps it dont fit you aint a nunter you're o'ny a racer and that chaps afeard his prad vill be spiled a keeping conapny with a ass----leastways i'm o' the same opinyon in that respec consarning meself and----so i shall mizzle.
----a true gintlum as is a gintlum, sam is as difrent to these here stuck-up fellers az a sovrin is to a coronashun copper vot's on'y gilt.
vell lie turns hof over the left and vips up his animal tryin to get up a trot----bobbin up and down in his sturrups and bumpin hisself to make a show----all flummery!----he takes the middel o' the field to hisself, and i cox my i for a houtlet and spi's a gait----that's the ticket! says i; so liting the 'bacca and blowin a cloud I trots along, and had jist cum to the gait ven turnin' round to look for the gin-spinner, blow me! sam, if i didn't see the cove again heels over head over an edge----like a tumler at bartlmy fare;----vile his preshus hannimal vas a takin it cooly in the meddo!
"vat a rum chap"--says i, a larfin reddy to bust----"vat a rum chap to go over the 'edge that vay! ven here's a riglar gait to ride through!"
----and so, i druv on, but somehow, sam, i coudn't help a thinkin' as praps the waggerbun lead broke his nek----stif as it vas! and so i said to napps----"napps,"----says i----"lets go and look arter the warmint for charity's-sake"
----napps vots as good-natur'd a ass as his master, didn't make no obstacle and so ve vent---
----my i!----sam, i'd a stood a Kervorten and three outs ad you a bin there!----there vas my jentlum up to his nek in a duckpond----lookin' as miserribble as a stray o' mutton in a batter puddin'
"halp! halp!" says he, a spittin' the green veeds out of his mouth----"halp me, faller, and i'll stand a bob" or summat to that efeck.
----but i couldn't hold out my fin to him for larfin----and napps begun a brayin at sich a rate----vich struck me as if he vas a larfin too, and made me larf wusser than ever----
----vell, at last, i contrivis to lug him out, and a preshus figger he cut to be sure----he had kervite a new sute o' black mud, vich didn't smell particlar sveet i can tell you.
----"ain't hurt yoursef?" says i, "have you?"
----"no"----says he----"but i'm dem wet and utterably spiled"----or vords like that for he chewd'em so fine i couldn't rightly hit 'em.
----ater i'd scraped him a little desent, and he'd tip'd a hog----vich vas rayther hansum----i ax'd him vere he'd left his tile?
"tile?"----says he----a yogglin his i's and openin' his jaws like a dyin'
oyster "yes your castor"----says i, "your beaver your hat."
"Oh!"----says he, p'inting dismal to the pond----"gone to the devil d___ me!"----so vith that he takes out a red and yuller vipe, and ties it about his hed, lookin' for all the vorld like a apple-ooman.
----as he had come down hansum i in coorse ofer'd to ketch his prad vich va'n't much difficulty----and up he jumps and lepped with a squosh into the saddle----and rid of vithout as much as sayin' by your leave good luck to you or anythink else----
---vell, this here vos the end and upshot o' that day's fun for I vos too late for the start by ten minnits----i saw 'em goin' it at a distance so i takes a sight!----but i had too much valley for napes to put im to it so as to get up vith 'em----or he might a done it praps!---
----i've lived like a fightin cock and am as fatt as butter----but the race is goin' to begin in a hour and i must go and ketch napps who's a grazin on the commun and looks oncommun vell----so no more at present from,
Yours, my prime 'un,
dick stammer.