Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes.
by Col. D. Streamer.
Dedicated to P. P.
("_Qui connait son sourire a connu le parfait._")
I NEED no Comments of the Press, No critic's cursory caress, No paragraphs my book to bless With praise, or ban with curses, So long as You, for whom I write, Whose single notice I invite, Are still sufficiently polite To smile upon my verses.
If You should seek for Ruthless Rhymes (In memory of Western climes), And, for the sake of olden times, Obtain this new edition, You must not be surprised a bit, Nor even deem the act unfit, That I have dedicated it To You, without permission.
P. T. O.[1]
And if You chance to ask me why, It is sufficient, I reply, That You are You, and I am I,-- To put the matter briefly.
That I should dedicate to You Can only interest us two; The fact remains, then, that I do, Because I want to--chiefly.
And if these verses can beguile From those grey eyes of yours a smile, You will have made it well worth while To seek your approbation; No further meed Of praise they need, But must succeed, And do indeed, If they but lead You on to read Beyond the Dedication.
1901. H. G.
Author's Preface
WITH guilty, conscience-stricken tears I offer up these rhymes of mine To children of maturer years (From Seventeen to Ninety-nine).
A special solace may they be In days of second infancy.
The frenzied mother who observes This volume in her offspring's hand, And trembles for the darling's nerves, Must please to clearly understand, If baby suffers by-and-bye The Artist is to blame, not _I_!
But should the little brat survive, And fatten on the Ruthless Rhyme, To raise a Heartless Home and thrive Through a successful life of crime, The Artist hopes that you will see That _I_ am to be thanked, not _he_!
P. T. O.[1]
Fond parent, you whose children are Of tender age (from two to eight), Pray keep this little volume far From reach of such, and relegate My verses to an upper shelf,-- Where you may study them yourself.
[Illustration]
FOOTNOTE:
[1] Transcriber's Note: P.T.O. means Please Turn Over. This is retained in the text although the instruction is obviously not necessary.
[Illustration: "_He had _such_ good cigars._"]
Uncle Joe
AN Angel bore dear Uncle Joe To rest beyond the stars.
I miss him, oh! I miss him so,-- He had _such_ good cigars.
[Illustration]
Impetuous Samuel
SAM had spirits naught could check, And to-day, at breakfast, he Broke his baby sister's neck, So he shan't have jam for tea!
[Illustration]
Inconsiderate Hannah
NAUGHTY little Hannah said She could make her grandma whistle, So, that night, inside her bed Placed some nettles and a thistle.
Though dear grandma quite infirm is, Heartless Hannah watched her settle, With her poor old epidermis Resting up against a nettle.
Suddenly she reached the thistle!
My! you should have heard her whistle!
A successful plan was Hannah's, But I cannot praise her manners.
Aunt Eliza
IN the drinking-well (Which the plumber built her) Aunt Eliza fell,-- We must buy a filter.
[Illustration]