(_Enter_ Miss POLLY HOPKINS.) POLLY.--How do you do sir? I am looking for the man who lived in the house that Jack built.
PUNCH.--(_aside_) Oh, good gracious what a pretty girl: in the language of Shakspear, I am the man.
POLLY.--Why your name is Mr. PUNCH, I know you!
PUNCH.--Yes, (_aside_) how on earth did that little girl learn my name?
My little daughter, there are said to be one hundred rooms in my house--but I never could find but ninety--where the other ten are I never knew. But there are about one thousand big Norway rats who live in this house--run riot all night and don't pay no rent. Three days ago I wrote on a number of pieces of papers for the rats to leave--one of these papers was put in every rat-hole in this house.
POLLY.--Have they left?
PUNCH.--_I don't hear no noise for two days_--I think they are making up their minds to seek homes elsewhere.
POLLY.--Did you ever catch any of them?
PUNCH.--Oh, yes, bless you, I made a pot-pie of big fat rats but I could not eat it. I never did like rats any way you can cook them.
POLLY.--What did you do with the pot-pie?
PUNCH.--I gave it to my wife's poor relations.
POLLY.--Mr. PUNCH, 'mother says you are my grandfather's great uncle--when I was a little child you promised me a dollar!'
PUNCH.--I remember it, that was six years ago. (_He sings and dances._) It is nice to be a father. (PUNCH _puts_ POLLY _through a course of spelling._)
POLLY.--Uncle, you won't forget the dollar?
PUNCH.--No. Now I want you to spell sugar. (_She tries and fails._) Follow me my child--now, s-u-g-a-r. (_She repeats the letters but fails to tell what they spell._)
PUNCH.--What does that spell?
POLLY.--I don't know.
PUNCH.--What does your mother put in her tea?
POLLY.--A spoon!
PUNCH.--Bah! sugar my child.
POLLY.--Uncle, don't forget the dollar.
PUNCH.--I'll not forget it--now, POLLY, follow me--(_he proceeds and she repeats_) m-i-l-k--what does that spell?
POLLY.--Sugar.
PUNCH.--No it don't: What do you get in your little mug every morning, when you go round the corner, for your mother?
POLLY.--Whiskey!
PUNCH.--That will do, now go to bed. That child is more than seven years old! _He starts_ POLLY _off to bed and as she makes her exit, she exclaims_, Uncle, don't forget the dollar!
PUNCH sings--
"Polly put the kettle on we will all drink tea, Barney let the girls alone and let them quiet be."
Act II.
(_Enter Policeman, accompanied by black_ JOE, _the_ DOCTOR'S _servant._)
JOE.--Yes sah, I know him--he can't fool dis child: (_looking about him he espies_ PUNCH) dah he--dah he is! Dat him--dat's ole PUNCH.
PUNCH.--Here's a pretty brace of ducks. (_The Policeman at the sight of_ PUNCH'S _stick, sneaks off unseen by the negro, leaving poor_ JOE _all alone with_ PUNCH.)
JOE.--I ain't no duck.
PUNCH.--I am going to eat a live _nigger_ raw.
JOE.--Moses in de mountain--you don't catch dis child. (_Exit_ JOE.
PUNCH _lies down on the stage and while watching for the darkie falls asleep._ JOE _slily crawls up to him and plants a fearful blow on the right side of_ PUNCH'S _head; and suddenly dodges out of sight._ PUNCH, _springs up but too late to get a sight of his enemy, he conceals himself behind the scenes and remains on watch._ JOE _slily crawls up to his side of the stage and conceals himself behind the curtains. But_ PUNCH _sees him and crawling over unseen, on his hands and knees, to_ JOE'S _corner, returns for his club--as before--returns and hits the negro an awful blow and flies to his own corner._)
JOE.--You nasty ole turkey nose--I'll catch you yet--I'll put hot lead in your ear. (JOE _hides behind the curtain._)
(PUNCH _crawls over to_ JOE'S _side again and deals him two blows in rapid succession._ JOE _falls down and_ PUNCH, _supposing the fellow to be dead, throws him over the stage; and then sings,_
Oh, lay me in my little bed. (_Exit_ PUNCH.)
(_Enter_ BLIND MAN: _at the same time an_ IRISHMAN _from the opposite side of the stage._)
IRISHMAN.--Is your name PUNCH?
BLIND MAN.--No, I am blind.
IRISH.--Sure, and how should I know that? troth I would rather see than be blind--it is an unlucky counthry--this that makes a man go blind before he gets hungry--bad luck to the day I left Ireland. (_Exit_ IRISHMAN.)
(_Enter_ PUNCH.) PUNCH.--Ah, is that you BLINDY. Where are you from last?
BLIND MAN.--From beyond the sea.
PUNCH.--Old man, you used to be good at jumping once, how is it now?
B. M.--I was something of a jumper in my day.
PUNCH.--(_Leading him to an old well._) Now, here is a level place, let me see how far you can jump--there's a half a dollar for you.
(B. M. _gets ready, makes a jump and lands at the bottom of the well._)