Some questions on Xie Min’s motivations are answered in this side story featuring her and Tong Sheng. As a mother myself, I cannot imagine going through the pain and desperation Xie Min experienced upon Tong Sheng’s disappearance. I wonder, what would I have done in her place? Would it have been any different?
As this side story is longer than a usual chapter, we will be posting it in 2 parts. Stay tuned for Part 2 in our next post!
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Chapter 22.1
谢敏番外《白鹿长鸣》Xie Min's Story – The White Deer's Never-ending Cry (Part 1)
I remember when she was only 3 years old. Small head, chubby arms, beautiful eyes. Everyone who saw her praised her beauty.
"This little lady is too beautiful! When she grows up, she will be a stunning beauty!"
At that time, I was always happy to hear such words and took pride in them. Tong Sheng had inherited the best genes from me and him. In my eyes, from young, she possessed a beauty that had been stolen from heaven.
What's more, when she was young, she was also clever and cute.
She was always asking me to carry her, always sticking to me and refusing to let go. This caused her father no small amount of jealousy. But, what could we do? She was another little soul who had sprung from my body. She was the apple of my eye.
I taught mathematics in the village school. Her father was an ordinary worker. We didn't earn very much, but we were always very happy. In the summer, her father would take her to the river to swim. In winter, our family would sit around the brazier and I would tell her stories.
We were so happy. Every minute, every second, was heaven's gift. Due to the arrival of our precious Tong Sheng, our ordinary lives became extraordinary.
Thereafter, she grew day by day. Her beauty was as before, but she also started to become rebellious, and there were secrets she was unwilling to share with me.
It's always troublesome when a girl is too beautiful. I noticed the male students who would accompany her at the end of the day when she was in junior high, noticed that she would use the remainder of her breakfast allowance to sneakily buy lipstick for herself. I was continually very angry. At that time, her father would always laughingly advise me, "Leave it be . . . leave it be. It's like this when girls grow up, you can't always be looking over her shoulder." However, I did not listen to him. I scolded her time after time, not allowing her to interact with those boys. I threw away the cheap lipstick she had bought.
At that time, the little girl had a temper, too. She would sob and close her door, and refuse to speak to me for several days.
I was not concerned about it then. With a compassionate father and a strict mother, her upbringing would benefit her in the long run.
However, the gulf between me and Tong Sheng might just have started from that time.
When she was in high school, she became very quiet. I still found letters to her from male students in her school bag. However, before I could ask her anything, she would say, indifferently, "Mum, you don't have to be concerned about them. They are just small boys, too childish for words." I had no idea what to say.
I felt that she definitely had a boyfriend and was involved in some kind of puppy love. However, I never saw this boy and had no proof. Moreover, she never said much when she was at home. Once she'd finished eating, she would put on her ear phones and listen to music, or revise. It was as if she had her own world, where her father and I did not fit in.
I felt a little sad, but overall everything was still ok. After all, her natural character was clearly seen: kind and optimistic. There might be some rebellion now, but she would be all right when she grew up.
Tong Sheng's results were consistently average. Surprisingly, she did quite well in the national entrance examinations, and gained admission to an undergraduate course. For this reason, her father and I were ecstatic. Tong Sheng was also elated, and said, "Dad, Mum, wait until I'm earning a good salary. I will see to it that your days are lived in comfort!" Her father quickly replied, "Ok, that's great!" On the other hand, I laughed as I told her, "Mum doesn't need you to earn a lot of money. As long as you live well, with health, peace and a full life, that would be good enough." "Huh . . ." Tong Sheng pouted, seemingly upset at my dogmatic speech. However, the child was still basically happy, and kept holding our hands after dinner and chatting. It was as if she had returned to her old self, and we had returned to the days when our family was close.
My Tong Sheng had finally grown up.
After entering university, Tong Sheng was like a little bird who had been released from her nest. She seldom returned home, but constantly called us. I knew that with her attractiveness and optimism, she would have no problems fitting into university life. A lot of people would like her, and a lot of people would pursue her. While on the phone with her, I had exhorted her many times, "You're an adult now. If you really want to look for a marriage partner, the most important factor is his moral standing and character – he has to treat you well. His family background should be ok, and his looks, well, that doesn't really matter . . ." She always interrupted me to say, "Mum, I know what I'm looking for," but she would never elaborate.
Misfortune came suddenly.
Tong Sheng's father died in a manufacturing accident. He would never come home again. The accident was due to the inappropriate operation of equipment by a co-worker, but this man's family situation was as bad as ours. As a result, the compensation we finally received was meagre.
Tong Sheng rushed home overnight and cried while holding her father's body. I cried, too. After I was done with crying, I had to wash the vegetables and cook a meal as I couldn't let my daughter go hungry. At that time, Tong Sheng watched me and cried bitterly, then hugged me and said, "Mum, don't be sad. Mum, I will definitely take good care of you. Mum, Dad is watching us from above."
Within the space of a night, Tong Sheng had become sensible and wise.
Every time she had a break she would come home to keep me company, buy vegetables, cook, sweep and clean our home. Almost every day, there would be a call for her. I slowly came to realise that she was actually working while she was studying. When the second semester started, she refused to let me pay for her tuition fees or her living expenses. The pain of my bereavement had gradually subsided, but I was very worried about her. I advised her, "Tong Sheng, you don't have to work part-time. We still have some money. Why don't you spend more time with your friends? That will help you when you go out to work eventually."
However, she did not take my advice to heart, and said, "I know what I'm doing. They have parents who are able to help them find work in future. I'm not like them. I want to work hard and do it by myself."
When I heard this, I did not say anything. I could only feel sad and powerless.
We, as parents, were guilty of not being capable enough. She was such a good child, but we had no means to give her a better life or future.
There was a period of time when my work unit* went on summer vacation and I visited Tong Sheng in the city where she was located. She was very happy, and even found some way to enable me to stay at an apartment which her schoolmate had rented. During that period, the two of us, mother and daughter, were extremely happy. Every day, she would attend classes, then go to work, returning to the apartment very late. I was also able to take a look around this big city, with its beauty and prosperous environment.
*T/N 单位 (dan wei) – work unit i.e. place of employment, especially used in the PRC before economic reform
At that time, she said, "Mum, wait until I've graduated. Then, I'll rent an apartment like this, and you can come and stay with me when you're on leave."
I laughed and agreed.
Once, I was sweeping the floor. When I looked up, I saw her in the room, with her earphones on, smiling happily at the computer. I couldn't quite decipher her smile and I felt my heart lurch. When she wasn't paying attention, I stole a look from behind her back.
I saw a QQ number, and the profile picture was that of a man. Their chat log was already very long. Moreover, the most recent line from that person was: Your body is very beautiful. I will take responsibility for it.
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