Seven
I am someone cowardly and afraid of death. This was something I freely admitted. I had always been timid – even during preschool, when the other children snatched my things, though I was indignant, I did not dare to protest. When they made a racket during nap time and then made me their scapegoat, still, I remained silent, accepting my fate to be their sacrificial lamb.
Meeting Gao Fei, then pursuing him, was the only time I had been courageous in my life. I was courageous to the extent of being unscrupulous, abandoning all sense of rationality and propriety.
After I married Gao Fei, I counted with my fingers each day I spent with him.
That I refused treatment did not mean that I was unafraid of death. On the contrary, I was extremely fearful. I was afraid of the consequences if treatment failed, or if things took a turn for the worse on the operating table, or when my hair started to fall in clumps during chemotherapy and I became hideous to look at.
I did not dare to gamble. I was afraid to use the last of my days with Gao Fei as the gambling chip.
But at this moment, I wished with the whole of my heart that I would die now. At least, my death would force Gao Fei to remember that there had once a person who had traded her life for his. A debt that was owed using another person's life was something that he would never be able to forget for the rest of his life.
But my consciousness was extremely stubborn, and my body, obstinate.
So, sometimes, the instincts of our body were laughable.
When I opened my eyes, it was afternoon, and the sun shone brightly in the skies. I did not know what day it was, and as I glanced out of the window, I could see a few sparrows dancing merrily on the window sill. I shifted, trying to take a closer look, but and sharp stabs of pain moved up my spine. The nurses who were preparing to conduct some tests on me soon discovered me and quickly summoned for the doctor.
The doctor entered, Gao Fei following closely behind him.
'You are very fortunate, but at the same time, very unlucky.'
I nodded. To survive a traffic accident was a miracle for a person already diagnosed with a terminal illness like myself. Except, what was misfortunate was that the remaining days of my lifespan, already so fleeting, was going to be shortened even further.
The doctor conducted some examinations on me and recorded his observations within a booklet.
He asked, 'Do you have a principal doctor?'
I nodded. But my doctor was not really considered a principal doctor, for I only went there to collect my medication.
'Leave me their contact details later.' As the doctor said these words, he glanced at Gao Fei. 'Your husband does not have their contact information. We will be contacting your principal doctor.'
The doctor and the nurse left. Within the hospital room, only Gao Fei and I remained.
I did not know how many days it had been since I had fallen unconscious, but Gao Fei was still wearing the clothes he had worn on Qingming Festival. They were crumpled, his sleeves creased.
He stared at me, faint traces of blood visible within his eyes.
I wanted to say something, but I did not know what to say, and how to say them. A thousand different forms of helplessness overwhelmed me, so I remained silent.
When the nurse came to change my medicine, I told her I was hungry, and that I wanted to eat some red date porridge, and the porridge had to be thick. I deliberately mentioned that I was a picky eater.
With a strange look, the nurse glanced at Gap Fei and said, 'How are you caring of the patient? You are not even aware that the patient is hungry?' Then she looked at me, 'Where can I go to buy red date porridge now?' Her face was written with unwillingness.
My eyes widened as I stared at the nurse, thinking to myself that she was difficult to deal with.
Gao Fei left the room, presumably to buy the porridge. I waited earnestly, but eventually fell asleep. When I woke up once again, the sky was already dark, and a new thermal flask had placed on top of my bedside cabinet.
Gao Fei sat on the sofa, his legs long and outstretched, his head burrowed within his knees, looking immensely elegant. I endured the pain and opened the thermal flask, slowly scooping out a spoonful of porridge. When I had eaten almost half of the porridge, Gao Fei finally woke up. He stared straight at me, and the intense way with which he looked at me left me a little nervous.
A strange awkwardness seemed to have filled the air. I raised my spoon and blurted, ‘Do you want some?'
These were the first words I had spoken to Gao Fei since I woke up.
Gao Fei did not respond. He looked at me, the expression in his eyes unreadable, but he quickly bowed his head, picked up his coat, then left.
Later, I asked the nurse how many days I had slept. The nurse said: three days - I had slept for three days and three nights. She said that though the operation on the night of my accident had lasted a few hours, none of my injuries were fatal.
I nodded, and the nurse left.
In this world, staying in a hospital ranked among the things I hated most. When my superficial wounds finally healed and I was able to leave the bed, I decided to return home.
Moreover, my stay in the hospital was too depressing. Without a friend, I did not have a visitor. But Gao Fei's colleagues seemed to have gotten wind of my illness, for on the third day after I woke up, several of them came to visit me. This made me touched, and I also remembered Lanlan, the only friend I once had.
Among those who came included the man who had sent Gao Fei back on his birthday. I was extremely glad to see him, for he called me 'sister-in-law'. I smiled at him, the muscles pulling at my wounds. It hurt, yet it could not dampen the contentment I felt.
Apart from him, there was also a woman who came.
If given choice, this was a woman I had no wish to see again in the remaining days of my life. She was average-looking - or at least I thought so. But she carried herself with all the conviction that she was a gracious, amiable woman. In front of me, she spoke familiarly with Gao Fei, ordering him around to attend to my various needs, as though nothing was out of the ordinary.
I did not know if Gao Fei was still angry with me, for he rarely spoke to me. Often, he stared blankly into space, lost within his thoughts; other times, he stared at me, his gaze unblinking.
I wanted to be discharged from the hospital. The doctors could not stop me - treatment could only be administered to a willing patient, and they couldn't possibly handcuff me to the ward.
When I left the hospital, I brought with me a large case of my medications, placing them all in my bedside cabinet, arranging them nicely.
As I packed them away, the expression on Gao Fei's face was a little strange.
I clapped my hands and beamed at Gao Fei. ‘Home is still the best.' Then I added, 'I'll go cook something.'
Entering the kitchen, I opened the fridge and had only just taken a spatula when it was abruptly snatched out of my hands. I turned around to see Gao Fei standing behind me, his body tense. His face was written with righteousness and his brows were drawn, as though he was extremely exhausted.
'Have you forgotten what the doctor said? Go back to the bedroom.'
'Are the doctor's words law? It's fine, it's been a long time since I've listened to what they've said. I'm going to cook something now, aren't you hungry?'
'I'll call for takeout.'
I wanted to protest, but Gao Fei had already covered the saucepan with its lid, so I could only tread back to the room resentfully.
As I slept through the night, Gao Fei did not return to our room. In the past, when this happened, I would either accompany him as I stayed up with him, or I would stubbornly drag him over to the bed to rest for the night.
But after the accident, I no longer dared to.
I guess everyone could tell by now.
Gao Fei rarely spoke to me. Even if I were the one who approached him, he would remain careful, guarded, as though he did not know how he should face me. Even now, I could not understand what went through his mind as he spoke to me.
Perhaps I had truly overdone it – my overbearing, obsessive love.
I ate the medicine and laid on the bed, counting sheep as I willed myself to sleep. One sheep, two sheep, until they all distorted and transformed into Gao Fei's face.
I did not know what had happened to Gao Fei's transfer order. He was a government employee and I understood that he could not do as he pleased, freely resisting the orders of his superiors at his own whims.
Except, Gao Fei, this time, I was injured for you. You must and you have to remember this… could you?