Three
15 November. Cloudy.
Actually, I never liked cloudy days, where the skies were overcast with dark clouds. Even when it rained, I still disliked cloudy days.
Before winter arrived, I had already changed all the furniture and decorations within the house. I once had countless ideas on creating the perfect home I would share with the people I loved most, and after I met Gao Fei, I turned my dreams into reality.
Gao Fei's birthday was on the 15th of November, a day I had been looking forward to for over two weeks. From the end of October, I had already began to think about how I wanted to celebrate his birthday.
In the early morning after I woke, I did not wish Gao Fei happy birthday even though I was dying to do so, for I wanted to give him a surprise later on. I only smiled, feeling extremely contented.
I sent Gao Fei off to work, then made my way to the supermarket. Gao Fei enjoyed starch; he disliked sweet and oily food. Gao Fei loved the colour white and hated yellow. All these I knew like the back of my hands.
As it was still early in the morning, the supermarket was quiet with few shoppers. I bought my groceries without trouble, and soon filled my shopping cart to the brim. Then I carried my numerous shopping bags and waited for the cab to arrive.
I was unable to drive for my hands and legs could become numb at any time without warning. Of course, this paralysis was also extended to the other parts of my body.
In the afternoon, I started preparing dinner, a myriad of ingredients scattered across the kitchen counter-top.
Only, I never expected that my illness would rear its ugly head at this moment.
As I lay paralysed on the floor, I wanted to crawl back to the bedroom to retrieve my medication, but I did not have any strength left within me. My body trembled, a sharp pain blinding my vision. Clenching my jaw, I willed myself to endure it, seeing past the tears which gathered in my eyes.
My mobile phone was just right next to me. With just a button, I could dial Gao Fei's number and receive the medicine I needed to alleviate my pain. Otherwise, were I to fall into unconsciousness, perhaps I would never be able to see Gao Fei again.
In the end, my rationality did not triumph against my emotions.
Staring at the phone, I closed my eyes.
Perhaps these things only happened to me because I had committed too much evil in my life. Gao Fei often said to me that I had done many unscrupulous things. But at that time, I had only brushed him off with a laugh. I said that even if retribution were to befall me, this was a thing that was to come a thousand years later, so he could only be free from me in another thousand years.
Each time I said these, Gao Fei would look coldly at me, his despise palpable. In front of him, I had never once acted like a virtuous woman.
When I finally came back to consciousness, my first thought was: Gao Fei, you did not manage to break free from me after all.
The sky was already dark, and I saw from my watch that it was already 7pm. It seemed like my newest bout of unconsciousness has already exceeded my record of five hours.
I stood, smoothing the creases on my apron as I glanced at the heap of groceries on the kitchen table. My heart sunk. Gao Fei would be arriving home soon, but I had not managed to prepare anything.
The Heavens knew how badly I wished to help Gao Fei celebrate this birthday. Perhaps this would be the last birthday that I would celebrate with him.
When Gao Fei returned home, it was already late into the night at 11.30pm.
Before that, I had already tried calling him multiple times, but he had never picked up.
On the dining table were numerous plates piled of food. Of course, these were not prepared by me. After I woke up, I no longer had the time nor mood to prepare these.
There was also a specially ordered three-layered cake at the center of the table. I did not know why I had ordered such a large cake. Perhaps within the deepest recesses of my mind, I harboured a hope that Gao Fei and I would never finish eating this cake, so that this day would never come to an end.
Gao Fei was drunk, and had been sent home by his colleague. The person who sent him home called me 'sister-in-law', and this made me very happy.
He handed Gao Fei over to me, then observed the house with a face written with surprise. This house was overly luxurious and not something Gao Fei could have afforded. Yet he remained very polite and did not draw attention to this.
It seemed like Gao Fei detested my scent at every moment in time. The instant he fell into my arms, he struggled to break free. Quietly, he murmured a person's name. Only because I was sure that no one else heard him did I maintain a semblance of calmness as I saw his co-worker out.
When I returned, Gao Fei had already regained a fraction of sobriety.
His eyes locked into mine, staring at me intently. I was relieved for a glance at the wall clock revealed that it was ten minutes to midnight, and I had not missed the last of Gao Fei's birthday.
I looked at the cake, then said to Gao Fei, 'Gao Fei, happy birthday.'
He had not expected me to say this, and froze. Eventually, his expression transformed into disdain.
Yet I persisted, pretending to be unaffected as I pressed on, 'Make a wish, en?'
In the end, Gao Fei was still a fraction intoxicated. He did not answer my question, nor did he look at me, only stumbling his way back to the bedroom. In my urgency, I swiped my index finger across the top of the cake, hurrying towards him as I acted like a spoilt child in my insistence.
'Then just have a bite! En, just a bite.' I waved my fingers in front of his face, trying to shove them into his mouth.
I was about to obtain my wish, but Gao Fei swiftly evaded me and said, 'I'm tired.'
I stood rooted on the spot, not knowing what to do.
Slowly, I placed my finger into my mouth, the butter of the cake immediately assailing my taste buds, nausea rising in me. But this could not dampen the ache clenching around my heart.
Dimly, I wondered, Gao Fei, in the future, will you also treat her in this manner?
Silently, my tears fell.
In the end, I used an entire week to finish Gao Fei's birthday cake.
***
Days later, I visited the hospital, and the advice given to me by the doctors remained unchanged: I ought to be hospitalised immediately to begin chemotherapy. Except, there was a new line in their report: my illness had worsened, and the situation was all the more urgent.
'What are my chances of being cured?'
'This is not a matter of the possibility of being cured. If you are ill, we are obligated to treat you. No matter your chances, we will try our best.'
But I shook my head. I looked at the experienced doctor sitting across me and said, 'What is the point of making a futile effort? I only wish to spend the last of my life in happiness.'
Gao Fei's department was organising a get-together. After our marriage of two years, this was the first time he had invited me to attend his company's dinner. I was as excited as a little sparrow dancing within the trees, creating disorder as I pranced around the house.
Perhaps Gao Fei had only introduced me to his colleagues because his co-worker had learned of my existence the day he had been sent home drunk. Even so, I could not help my sudden gratitude that Gao Fei had returned home late that night, even forgiving him for it.
Two days before the get-together, I started preparing for it. I stared at the mirror as I scrutinised my hairstyle, then stared at the wardrobe as I contemplated what clothes to wear. In front of Gao Fei, I gestured incessantly as I chattered on and on, 'Gao Fei, does this look good? Does this look good?'
Impatiently, Gao Fei dismissed me. He did not raise his head even as he said that it was fine. Because of my buoyant mood, I disregarded his attitude, and after trying all the clothes I had, I jumped onto his body, my hands twining around his neck, observing him through attentive eyes.
Even though Gao Fei continued to remain distant and unwelcoming, he did not push me away.
I stared deep into his eyes. The vastness of his eyes were comparable to an ocean, as though with only the slightest brush against it, one would drown within its boundless depths. His eyes were a treasure which I held incomparably dear, for even when their owner belonged to me, I was still afraid that someone else would steal them from my grasp. I brushed my nose against his. His nose was defined, just like the mountain ridges of the Alps. My fingers traced his face, feeling the tautness of his muscles and the smoothness of his skin, completely enraptured by the image before me.
Without reason, my eyes burned with a trace of wetness. Slowly, I saw the image of myself within Gao Fei’s eyes begin to blur.
Before my lips met his, I whispered, 'Gao Fei, thank you.'
Thank you for appearing in my life; thank you for existing in this world; thank you for being by my side at this point in time; thank you for showing me that I have the ability to love.
Thank you for telling your co-workers about me; thank you for not denying my existence.
Maybe it was because though I had already said to Gao Fei multiple times that I loved him, this was still the first time I had thanked him, so Gao Fei's body stiffened.
He raised his head, looking closely at me. I saw the glimmer of brightness within his eyes, unlike anything I had ever seen in the past. Even if it were only for an instant, I managed to catch a glimpse of it before it vanished, disappearing into the darkness.
I closed my eyes, and pressed myself towards him, kissing him.