I liked this chapter… I don’t know why, but Gao Fei as the classic unreliable narrator is sad to read.
Eleven
When spring rolled around, Jiajing and I planned for a child. She discussed this with me as she leaned into my embrace, her face dainty and adorable.
I was reading the newspaper, and said, yes. With one arm slung over her shoulders, I said, let us have a child.
So, we began to make preparations in welcoming a child, for we believed that we needed to have a healthy mind and heart to await the arrival of a new life.
Fortunately, the both of us did not have much bad habits or vices. Jiajing's body was healthy, and after a few months of nursing, she would be ready for child.
But I made a special consult to the hospital. I had once taken eleven contraceptive injections to avoid conceiving a child, and I did not know if this would affect the well-being of my future child. I thought to myself that, if there were truly after-effects, I would have to rethink my decision.
The doctors gave me a thorough examination, then evaluated the jargon-filled report within the consultation room. Eventually, he declared that my injections had little negative impact on my body, and even if there were, as it had already been four years since I had last taken such an injection, any after-effects should have long disappeared.
Having received the answer I had hoped for, I nodded my head. Nobody would wish for a sickly child.
That night, the passion of our love-making reached the levels it had been on the night of our wedding.
The both of us believed that this was not merely a night of pleasure, but the intertwining of our lives forever.
Just like any other pair of parents, we awaited the arrival of our child eagerly.
Except, each time I showered after we did it, I would see He Yujin's indistinct body appearing before me. I wished that she would kneel in front of me, propping her head up on her elbow as she stared at me the way she often did. I wished that she would look at me. If she did, I would also crouch down. Without an inch of clothes on my body, I would appear before her.
I wanted to say, He Yujin, if time could rewind, I want your child.
I only want your child.
But the time had long passed, never to return. I did not possess even a single thing to remember her with.
This was an illusion, and I quickly came back to my senses.
How could I say such words, when I had already forgotten the way she smelled?
The child came much later than we had anticipated, arriving five months after we first began trying for him. Jiajing held a pregnancy test kit within her hands, two red lines clearly displayed on the small screen, as she laughed and cried to me, saying, 'Fei, we finally have our own child.'
I received the test kit, grasped her trembling hands, and pulled her into my arms. Soothingly, I said, 'Don't cry, thank you.' Then, I kissed her, caressing her face as I murmured to her.
It was a simple, childlike joy.
Now that we were with child, we began to make the necessary arrangements in anticipation of his arrival.
Originally, it had been early spring when we planned for a child, but after the time it took for us to have our bodies examined by the hospital, it was nearly October when we finally succeeded.
Soon, winter arrived, bringing with it a harsh chilliness in the air.
Jiajing told me something. She said that I was sleepwalking.
When I heard these words, I did not place much thought into it. I was nearly thirty-years old, so how could I sleepwalk without knowing it myself. But Jiajing said these words with surety, as though they were real. She said that in the depths of her sleep, she had a blurred, indistinct feeling that I was not lying next to her.
I disagreed with her; she insisted that she had not lied. As she grew increasingly agitated, I became afraid that her heated temper would harm our child and no longer argued with her. Instead, I hugged her, placing my hand on her slightly swollen abdomen as I smiled, 'If I am not by your side, could I be inside you?'
She laughed, a little exasperated, and hit me, saying that I was indecent - as a man about to become a father, I was not setting a good example to my child. How could I conduct antenatal lessons in this manner?
I laughed, and said that it was evident that I did not practice what I preached, for how else could our child have arrived in this world?
I thought that I was extremely normal.
Besides, if I were really sleepwalking, where would I have gone, and who could I have met?
***
Yet things did not simply conclude in that manner. Jiajing seemed to be exceedingly concerned about my sleepwalking.
She often repeated to me that I must have been leaving the house in the middle of the night. Eventually, I grew frustrated and blew my temper, forbidding her from saying such words again in the future.
She was frightened, for she had never imagine that I would lose my temper. She fell silent as she looked at me. Never bringing this topic up again.
I accompanied Jiajing in visiting the gynaecologist. Occasionally, I would follow her in. Other times, I would sit at the seats in the waiting area, outside the corridor.
The hospital walls should have just been repainted, for they were an unrealistic shade of white. Combined with the white ceramic tiles, it seemed like even the sunlight had been cleansed, cleansed until it paled and lost all its colour and radiance. A sea of white stretched on forever in front of me, until my eyelids began to grow heavy.
The corridor was a couple of meters long, a white window at the end of its path. Beyond the windows were green grasses and red flowers. I smelled the fragrance of the flowers, and saw He Yujin walk out. She continued to smile, as though that was the only reason for her existence. Then, her image transformed into the way she had looked the day she lay on the hospital bed after the traffic accident, the way she had yearned for some porridge after she had woken up, but refused to speak to me.
Hypnotised, I walked forward, rearranging the scenes in my mind. I must rearrange them, otherwise I would never be able to continue acting them out. I drew near to her, sat down beside her as I stared closely at her. I did not understand why, but the corners of my eyes filled with tears.
I buried my head in her collarbone. I said that these were not tears, yet they continued to flow.
When I finally returned to my senses, Jiajing was standing by the windows next to me. Her head was tilted to a side as she looked at me, her eyes lit with amusement and curiosity.
I stood and walked over to her. I said, let's return.
If, instead of telling me that I sleepwalked, Jiajing instead insisted that I had begun to think fondly of the past, perhaps I would have agreed without hesitation.
But Jiajing no longer mentioned a word about my sleepwalking.
Yet one day, as she suddenly burrowed herself into my arms, she said to me, 'Fei, I have something to ask you.' I hugged her, inhaling the intoxicating scent on her hair. Jiajing used Clairol's lavender shampoo, and the smell was extremely overpowering.
I said, 'Go on.'
She adjusted herself to sit on my thighs, facing me. Her eyes were bright as she said, 'Do you still think of He Yujin? Even if it were occasionally?'
I did not know why Jiajing had asked this question out of the blue. I patted her head and said, 'Why do you ask this?'
She turned her body away, her back against me. I could not react in time, and thought that after her pregnancy, she was a single person who was moving for two people.
'I'm curious. Do you hate or love her? That year, she hurt you and your parents, but now, she is dead. Gao Fei, isn't such an ending amusing? The both of you should have lived together for the rest of your lives, but a lifetime is hard to predict.'
I also thought that this ending was a little amusing, yet I said, 'Don't you wish to be with me?'
Only if He Yujin died, could I be with you.
She took hold of my fingers and bit it, saying, 'I wish to. Even if I died, I still wish to be with you. But, Fei, you must also remember, I will only be with you if I think you love me.'
I removed my finger. I did not like this action, because it made me remember He Yujin. She often acted in such a frivolous manner when she tried to seduce me.
I said to Jiajing, yes, I have remembered it.
I thought that I must have really remembered it, for every day, I tried my hardest in hoping to spend a good day with Jiajing.
I began to set-up our child’s nursery. To prepare for the arrival of a child was both a troublesome and joyful event. I wished to have a daughter, so I decorated the room in pink, spending much time and effort on it. I had never done something with such seriousness in my life.
Jiajing looked at me and smiled. She said that if we no longer had a child, I was sure to lose half my life.
I felt that this was an extremely foolish hypothetical question, just like the hypothetical question of what would happen if the world did not have any men or women.
But as she was the mother of my child, I forgave her.
***
As the days continued to pass in the depths of winter, another strange thing happened. Ah Yu's mansion was once again the victim of theft. This led me to suspect that the security around the place was ineffective, so I wanted to seek compensation from the security agency according to our contract.
According to logic, in that estate, there congregated several unbelievably wealthy people who were most afraid of their wealth turning to dusts overnight, so how could the district's security be ineffective?
I was a little indignant, and returned to the mansion in search of the contract, thinking to myself that I would surely not let the matter rest.
Yet I was unable to find the contract. I stood within our bedroom and searched it over and over, until I finally gave up. I stared at Ah Yu's photo. I did not know where the contract was, or I should say, the contract had never existed.
Ah Yu smiled as she looked at me. She smiled the way she had always smiled, in the unique way her eyes curved as they shone with bliss.
I returned home, removing my shoes at the doorstep. I was very tired. Once again, the police searched the place, asking the same questions that they had previously asked, but still, they were unable to give me a satisfactory answer.
Three months had already passed since Jiajing had conceived. She had arranged for maternity leave, and currently stayed at home as she awaited her labour.
If it were the past, I would have gone over and asked her how her day was, what she had eaten or done, did she miss me, was anything wrong with our child, but today, I did not do any of those. I only greeted her, and headed for the bath.
After I bathed, I changed my clothes, then said to her, 'I'm going out. I can't return tonight.'
Jiajing stood there and stared at me. 'He Yujin's villa?'
I nodded. 'I need to examine its security system. You know that the place doesn't belong to me, but I'm the only one with permission to enter.'
She nodded. I moved forward and kissed her. 'Have a good rest, don't stay up too late. If anything is wrong, call me and I'll come back immediately, no matter how late it is. Say good night to our child for me.'
I left. That night, I had a dream once again. It was as though that room was filled with a peculiar aura, leaving me unable to help myself. Within my dreams, I wished countless times to awaken, for I knew that this could not be real. Jiajing was with my child, so I could not hallucinate.
But I was unable to control myself. I hugged He Yujin, my entire body lined with unbearable anxiety as though I had attained the most fragile treasure in the whole world. I needed such a wild fantasy.
***
I installed a better security system for the room. Even though the entire room had almost been stripped bare, still, I had no choice but to continue maintaining its outward look of completeness and normalcy.
Except, after I installed it, my wife said to me, I needed to consult a doctor.
I smiled, then said, 'Although I've been a little worn out these few days, it isn't to the extent that I need a visit to the doctor's. Perhaps I am much healthier than you believe me to be.'
'I'm referring to a psychiatrist.'
I froze.
For a moment, I did not know how I should respond. I thought that this was a slip of her tongue, but the way Jiajing straightened her clothes and sat upright caused this topic to be dressed in seriousness. Her sombre expression did not allow me time to remain lost in my thoughts, and I was unable to fabricate a lie.
Slowly, I said, 'I think, I will forget what you've said today.' My heart was a little bitter and disappointed, for no wife should wish for her husband to visit a psychiatrist.
I stood and headed for another room, unable to continue looking at her face and imagine that within the womb of the face's owner, there laid my flesh and blood.
But Jiajing was more agitated and determined than I had imagined her to be. She jumped to her feet as she ran towards me, blocking my path, as though she had been enduring this for a long time.
In a loud voice, she continued, 'You cannot refuse. You insisted that you did not sleepwalk - yes, you're not sleepwalking, but hallucinating. Not only have you not forgotten He Yujin even till today, but you've also been thinking about her more and more frequently. This, you cannot deny.'
I stared at her. 'I have not.'
'You lie. Gao Fei, you would never have lied to me in the past.' She cried in front of me, tears spilling from her eyes.
I raised my hands to wipe them, and comforted her, 'I promise that we will live together till our deaths.'
This was the best promise a man could give to a woman. He Yujin had waited an entire lifetime, tried a hundred tricks and cajoled me a thousand times, only in hopes of receiving such a pledge from me, but I had never once said it to her.
Within my arms, Jiajing fell asleep. That night, she did not argue any further, but it was only for that night.
The next day, she headed for the hospital and booked an appointment with a psychiatrist on my behalf.
I looked at the documents scattered before me, anger rising from my heart. I had thought that she would stop pursuing this topic.
I said to her, 'I am not sick. How many times do you need me to repeat this until you understand - I am not mentally ill.'
'Then how many times must I repeat myself until you understand? You are.' She thought for a moment, then continued, 'If you are not, won't we know the answer after the doctor has examined you?'
'Why do I need an outsider to tell me if I am healthy or not when it's my own body? I can eat, I can drink and I can sleep, so how could I possibly have that damned illness you claim I have?' I no longer wished to discuss this topic, and turned to leave.
'If, you do not visit the doctor, I will abort the child.'
In disbelief, I turned to stare at her. I wondered, had I ever known her?
But I did know her. We met on the first day of university, when we had been registering our attendance. I saw the heavy luggage she had been carrying by herself, and helped her to her dormitory, leaving my contact number. Later, we attended the same courses and participated in the same extracurricular activities. Much later, as we strolled at a small forest day after day, we started to fall in love.
Were it not for He Yujin's sudden appearance, she would have been the only woman in my life.
No - even if He Yujin had appeared, in the end, she was still the only woman I would spend the remainder of my life with. And now, she was even the mother of my child, yet she wanted to renounce this status, giving it all up. For an incomprehensibly foolish reason, she wanted to give up the life that was growing within her.
'You can try. Su Jiajing, if anything happens to my child, I will not let you rest.'