Ch 34 : Dying slowly
“Why not lie to me?” I let go of him, staggering back a step.
“If you want me to believe you, I will believe everything you say..”
He shook his head. “I admit that I have concealed a lot of stuff , but I have never tried to make a fool of you.”
“Is there a difference?”
He looked down and seemed to think for a long time before he looked up.
“Is there anything that I can say or do that can save our relationship?”
“ It’s impossible.” Nothing is impossible.
“ Even if I love you, I will never destroy someone else’s marriage.”
“ I’m really sorry. This is my fault. I didn’t expect things to turn out this way.”
His voice was low and dull. “Before you came in my life, I had never fallen in love with anyone. I don’t even know what the right thing to do is when you love someone. I thought I could do whatever I wanted – to love you, to protect you… I never expected that I would end up hurting you instead. If I had known that I would hurt you so deeply, I would rather..”
“You don’t need to say that again”.
I didn’t want to listen to all that again.
As I watched him, I thought of how sad I was when I first came face to face with the cruel reality in Yu Yin’s home.
When he told me that he was Yu Yin’s fiancée , my heart ached as if it had been smashed into tiny pieces. I thought nothing could be more painful than that
But now, I realised that I had underestimated him, what I was feeling was too heart wrenching to be just called ‘pain’
This feeling was nothing compared to anything I had felt before. When the person you loved, the man you believed in, told you that he loved you but could not be with you, the feeling was far more gut wrenching than pain.
In silence, I walked away. He did not try to hold me back
He just asked me one last thing, “ Can you ever forgive me ?”
“When you die”, I said.
And so our relationship ended on an extremely ugly note
I couldn’t cry or laugh
Sometimes I really wanted to cry out, vent out my anger. But my tears had dried.
Ye Zhengchen did not try to find me again.
But sometimes, I would receive a strange email with no text in the body of the email nor any signature. It would only contain an attachment containing information on the bacteria I was researching, with some key places highlighted in red.
I would download and read it closely
I also received a package from Tokyo. It was a pack of Leonidas chocolates, paid by cash and no sender’s address
The chocolate was still soft and fragrant but I could no longer taste the sweetness.
Once, on my way home, the chain on my bike broke. I pushed the bike all the way back home, taking almost an hour to reach back
The net day, I asked at college where I could get someone to repair the chain. I came back, ready to push the bike all the way to the repair shop when I found that the bike had been repaired.
Not only had the chain been replaced, the brakes had been repaired and the chain had been lubricated so the bike ran smoothly.
…… …
That day, as I observed the bacteria in the laboratory, I went into a trance and forgot the time
I understood what he did, but I didn’t understand why he would do so. Why did he want to rescue me, compensate me? Or was it just that he was used to doing these little things for me , just as I was used to accept these things from him ?
It was when I suddenly realised that the lights were off on the whole floor that I real
ised it was almost early morning
I came out of the lab , took off my protective suit and stood in front of the elevator.
The whole floor was in dead silence and from time to time, the smell of disinfectant drifted to my nose.
I crossed my arms close to my chest, trying to ward off the chill.
When the elevator came, the door opened and I hurriedly stepped forward, only to immediately stand back, dumbfounded.
Ye Zhengchen stood inside, still with his lab coat on. He always looked inviolable in that suit, almost out of tune with the darkness of the night.
I looked at him. I had never missed a person as badly as I missed him now. I wanted to stand close to him, but I could only stare….
The elevator door closed at that moment. He quickly pressed the button again.
I stood unmoving. He stood still. We maintained our respective distances.
I noticed the watch on his wrist. It was the seagull watch, it’s second hands quietly ticking away.
Quietly, I put my hands behind my back, pulling my sleeves to hide my wrist…
Time seemed to stand still for a moment, till the elevator gave off a sharp warning sound. Five.. ten..the sounds of the elevator were harsh enough to draw his attention. He let go of the door
The heavy door closed in front of us, like the heavy hands of fate that closes a door, never to reopen it again.
My tears finally fell. I covered my face with my hands as tears seeped through my fingers in an unending stream.
I wanted to get in the elevator with him, but I was afraid that I would land up confessing to him that I missed him very much, more than anything else in my life. I worried that I would end up telling him how I longed to hold him in my arms, if only for a second.
The elevator opened again. I covered my face with my hand and walked in
By the time I realised Ye Zhengchen was in the elevator, it was too late to go out, too late to wipe my tears and too late to hide the watch with my sleeve.
I simply moved to the corner and stood there with my head down.
As the elevator descended, I could feel my heart falling, sinking into a deep hole.
“Is your leg ok?”, he asked me, his face devoid of any expression.
“Yes”, I answered, equally stoically.
“Come on, I’ll drop you home.”
“There’s no need.”
“ Just in case…”
“ Don’t worry. I will not encounter a worse villain than you”.
With these words, I bypassed him and walked towards the exit.
On the translucent glass in front of him, I could vaguely see his blurred image and he stood there, watching my back as I walked away.
I clenched my fist but couldn’t stop myself from heading back towards him.
I stopped when I was about two metres away from him.
We stood face to face.
The warm summer wind blew in through the door and dried the tears on my face.
“Brother, you forgot to take off your lab coat.”
With this, I opened the door and ran away, concealing myself in the darkness of the night.
That night, he followed me in his car as I rode the bike all the way back home
I cycled very slowly, hoping that the road would never end, that I would have his company for ever…
In the weekend, Ye Zhengchen stayed at home. Suddenly, I didnt feel like going to the lab to study my bacteria. I sat on my bed, wrapped in my quilt, quietly listening to the sounds emanating from the room next to mine.
I heard the quiet tapping of the computer keyboard. Then I heard the phone ring.
“ I’m busy, I can’t talk”. His tone was impatient and he hung up
I couldn’t tell who had called him
At noon, Yu Yin came, ofcourse not to my house, but to Ye Zhengchen’s home.
I heard her enter his house and I heard her telling him that she had brought the ingredients to prepare spicy hot pot, including Kobe beef and imported lamb.
What a warm and moving scene, what a dedicated couple, I thought.
Even across the wall, I could feel their excessive emotions.
I smiled to myself and got up from bed to get dressed.
I shopped a bit in Carrefour, then the neighbourhood drugstore, then in the sports shop till I was too tired to stand
At six o clock , I went to a restaurant to drink.I had often seen broken hearted people take to alcohol on TV, as if it was an anaesthesia to heartache…
I wasn’t sure if there would be any effect, but I was willing to try it out.
Actually, the effect was really good. After a bottle of sweet and sour plum wine, my mood had elevated considerably. As I thought of Yu Yin and Ye Zhengchen eating hot pot together ar home, I lay my head down on the table and could not stop laughing.
Why would I ever think that Yu Yin would not spend the night with him! What a ridiculous thought!
Reminded of my idiocy, I thought I should have another bottle of wine. Atleast while drinking by the side of the road, I would not have to hear the sounds coming from the other side of the wall.
But this thought was no longer funny, and my eyes filled with tears.
I drank till nine o clock. After two bottles of wine, I was feeling much lighter and managed to walk back , albeit erratically.
As I walked past Ye Zhengchen’s door, I couldn’t help but look at the window. Against the green curtains, I could discern a silhouette of the two. They were so close to each other their silhouettes were overlapping.
What a harmonious scene!
I had never seen such a loving couple!
Using the wall to keep myself steady, I walked up t the door of my flat.
But even after searching for a long time, I couldn’t find the keys. Angrily, I upended the bag on the floor. All its contents scattered on the floor. I knelt on the floor to look for the key
Finally I managed to find the key I staggered up, using the wall for support again.
The door to the flat next to me opened and Ye Zhengchen stepped out into the corridor.
He looked at me.
Hastily, I squat back on the ground to pick up the scattered contents of my bag, completely ignoring him. I realised that my momentary impulse was very childish. If I weren’t drunk, I would never have behaved this way.
“ Are you drunk?” His tone was a bit disapproving.
I looked up to see the expression on his face. But his face was blurry. I rubbed my eyes, trying to wipe off the tears that were making my sight blurry.
Then I naively tried to fit the key in the lock
My hands were trembling , and try as I might , I was unable to fit the key in the lock. The more I failed, the more anxious I became and the more I missed the lock.
Suddenly, a force shoved me aside. Ye Zhengchen took the key from my hand and opened the door for me.
“ Thank ..”
Before I could finish, he dragged me in and banged the door behind him.
“Girl…”
The room was in darkness and his call to me was like a siren call to my heart.
Even amidst the alcoholic haze I was in, a strong emotion emerged in my heart.
I leaned against the wall, shrinking away from his touch. Slowly I squatted down, with my knees against my heart.
I was very, very drunk.
“Brother, I am begging you… please don’t let her spend the night with you…I can’t stand the thought…” I rubbed my chest, trying to ease the pain as I cried in the corner. “ It hurts so much… I can’t stand the pain…”