"Come here," she said in a whisper. When I didn't move, she looked at me and spoke a little louder. "Come here."
I was shaking. I suddenly did not want to know the secrets that lay within Becca's things. I didn't want to see things that she'd seen, any more than I already had. I didn't want to touch this person's stuff or look at any more pictures.
"I don't know why you never asked me before," said Dana. She sounded kinder than she ever had. It was like she could not remember all the things she'd said to me in the past. "But today, of all days, is a good one to introduce you to her."
She pulled out the jewelry box and smiled down at it. "I suppose you know what can be found in here. These are mostly gifts from all the boys she dated. Also the other half of this." She laid a hand over the half of her broken heart. "What you won't find in here was my other gift to her. I got her a charm bracelet. She was wearing it on the night...but of course she was wearing the locket from Max, too...she always wore that after he gave it to her. 'To Eternal Love...' She often wore both necklaces, but that night...just the one you found in the closet at the boathouse..."
Her voice trailed off as her fingers ran gently over all the silver and gold within the box. After a moment, she shut it and set it aside. She sifted through more of her clothes, trinkets and pictures, seemingly gaining her own comfort from looking at them but not saying anything out loud. I wanted to get up and run away. I didn't want to watch her do this.
She lifted from the suitcase a soft silky slip trimmed with lace. She handled it carefully, as though it might shatter. Before I could stop her, she had raised it to my face, and had run the fabric across my cheek. "Isn't that the softest thing you've ever felt? She bought it to wear for Max. She showed it to me. She wanted to sneak into his room that night, since his roommate had already gone home. But...she never got the chance... She had it laying out on the bed when she..."
Dana pulled it away from my cheek and folded it neatly. She picked up a Polaroid picture I had not seen, and looked lovingly at it. "Look how beautiful."
Only my eyes moved down to the photograph. It was the same one I'd seen in his room. Max was behind her hugging her with both arms, and looking happier than I had ever seen him in life. He was holding her tighter than he had held me, and they looked closer than I felt I had even imagined being with him. She was laughing and looking away. It was the prettiest I had ever seen her look. She was not posing or trying. She looked like a real person. And that might have been the worst part.
It was one thing when I thought of her as a marble statue, always posed and so very intentionally everything she was. It was another to think of her as most people must, and to imagine that she was probably out there somewhere living and breathing like a real person, Or worse, that she wasn't. Everyone loved her. Everyone talked about her. Everyone showed it by wearing T-shirts in her name. She must have had something special. It was only me who hated her. Resented her. Envied her.
Dana set down the picture, and took out an envelope. It was filled with folded notes. She opened a few of them.
Meet me at the beach at midnight.
I can't wait until later.
Same thing this time-you know I'm looking forward to it.
"No more." I said it without even meaning to. Dana smiled and closed the envelope.
I looked down at my own bracelet. Suddenly it didn't seem as sweet. He'd done almost the exact same thing for Becca.
"Maybe you can see now what I've been trying to tell you?" Dana looked from my wrist up to me and folded the notes in my hand. Only then did I become aware that my face was hot and that there were cool streaks from tears on my cheeks.
The second she looked back to the suitcase, I stood and ran from the room. I ran all the way down to the boys' dorms, without even glancing to see if I was going to be caught.
This was it: my breaking point.
I knocked on his door, and Max opened it looking concerned. "What's wrong?"
"Everything!"
My voice was not low.
He glanced around. "Why don't we go outside or something?"
"No. I want to talk now."
"People are going to listen if we're in here." He said it very matter-of-factly, and as if he knew what I was going to say.
"I don't care, they're all just going to make up stuff about me anyway, it may as well be true."
He didn't listen. He pulled me from the hall and all the way outside.
"What isn't good enough about me?" I asked, my chest hot with the fire of everything.
I felt like it was all crashing down on me. Guilt and embarrassment for being so childish, but frustration and anger at Max for still never telling me what all the secrets were that had to do with Becca.
"Where is this coming from?" he asked.
I took a second to breathe and not spew childlike complaints. He waited quietly for me to compose myself.
"It's because..." I started. "Dana just showed me a bunch of Becca's things from her suitcase. A picture...her jewelry...her present to you...your present to her..."
I cringed as I thought of the silken nightie that Dana had touched my face with. Max looked down at his watch.
Impatience rose in me. "What, do you have plans to get somewhere? Why are you looking at your-"
"No."
Then it occurred to me. "Was that from her?" It was a wild guess.
He said nothing, but unlatched it and started to put it in his pocket.
I held out a hand and asked quietly, "May I see it?"
He hesitated but then handed it to me. It was as if I knew what I was looking for. There it was, engraved on the back of the face.
Max and Becca, for the rest of time.
I nodded and handed it back.
"When you say my present to her...do you mean the locket Dana found in the supply closet?"
I suppressed the memory of that night, and how it had been to be so close to Max in the dark. "Yes, that one."
"I didn't buy that for her. She just said I did."
"Really."
"Yes. It was a ploy to make everyone think we were the happiest couple or whatever."
"Well, I guess it worked." I knew it was immature. I knew that I wasn't helping my case if I wanted to be appealing. But I just couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry. Please just don't think about her. It doesn't have anything to do with..."
He trailed off, because there was no "us." There was no "this."
I stood. "I'm sorry, too. I should have known better."
I turned and went back inside. He didn't follow me. The farther I got without being chased, the bigger the lump in my throat got and the hotter my cheeks turned.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX.
HE USUALLY SLIPPED HER THE NOTES, AND SHE always saved them. She didn't know why, but she always had trouble throwing them out. But this time, she slipped one to him.
Boathouse. One last time.
It was twelve-fifteen now, and Becca was walking down the wooden steps that led onto the sand. It was almost pitch-black, but she could see that he was there when he dragged on his cigarette. She walked toward the orange burn. It was because of her that he smoked. It was fucked-up, but she liked that she'd affected someone like that.
"Hey," Johnny said.
"Hey." She reached up for a kiss. He always tasted the same, every night they met. Like cigarettes and peppermint gum. She so preferred that to Max, who always smelled of soap.
He held out the cigarette for her.
"Thanks." She breathed it in.
They said nothing for another moment while he finished it and then, as usual, they went into the boathouse. He pulled the string that hung from the exposed lightbulb by the door, and they walked across the dusty, dirty, creaky floor and over to the couch. It smelled like mildew, and the fabric was frayed and matted. It was the kind of couch you'd never want to hold a black light over, and you couldn't be paid to stick a hand between the cushions.
He popped in a piece of his gum and sat down. As he did, a cloud of dust filled the air.
She felt guilty being here with him whenever she thought of Dana. But she'd missed him so much. His touch, his kiss, his words...
He scoffed. "I just can't do it."
"Why?"
She hated it. She hated feeling like this. She should have known better than to try to see him again.
"Because," he said. "I've been trying to get over you. It was never right that we were together. And now we've been apart. We're fine. We should have just stayed that way."
She wanted to tell him she'd tell Max everything if he didn't stay with her. But that's not what she wanted from Johnny. She wanted him to really want her.
"B-but don't you like me? Don't you want me?" Her heart skipped a little. She was the girl he wanted. "If you want me then why not just say screw everyone and do it?"
"It doesn't work like that in real life, Becca."
"Screw real life."
"I'm sorry, Becca." He stood and went to her. He leaned over to kiss her head. He lingered a moment, and all she wanted to do was grab him and kiss him back. But she couldn't do that now. She just stared at her shoes and listened to his footsteps until they were gone.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Becca asked Dana, staring up at the ceiling from her bed. She'd been counting the embossed fleurs-de-lis there, but Max had been in her head the whole time. It was April. There was only a month left of school. And she'd been flying solo for months now. No Max, no Johnny. No Johnny at all.
It's not that she'd been floundering. Being single had provided her with the chance to flirt with and be chased after by everyone else. But that wasn't what she wanted. And now, with this, she wanted that boy more than ever.
"Of course," said Dana, putting down her book. "You can tell me anything."
"I..." Becca was losing her nerve.
"I won't tell anyone."
"Well...I haven't even told Max." Or Johnny. She took a deep breath. "I'm...I'm pregnant."
The room fell silent as the news sank into both of them.
"You-what? How do you know?"
"I went into town last weekend. I stopped at the drugstore. I...I just found out."
She hung her head. She felt blood rushing to her cheeks and head.
"Are you serious? Are you...are you sure?"
"Yes, Dana, God! Am I serious? No I'm not fucking kidding. It's not funny."
"You haven't told Max? Don't you think he has a right to know?"
Becca shook her head. "I don't know. It doesn't matter now anyway. It would only make things harder."
"I don't know, Becca...."
"Look, just forget it."
Dana nodded, and studied the end of her bed intently.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN.
I SPENT THE NEXT FEW WEEKS MOSTLY ALONE. I went to classes. I painted. I called my parents and told them the bare minimum of what was going on. I pulled away from Max and everyone else I knew. Blake still sat down with me every time she saw that I was alone in the dining hall or wherever, but at this point all I was doing was counting down the days until graduation. The one final social thing I had left to do was go to Blake's birthday party. I'd promised her I would, and had decided that just maybe it would cheer me up.
Blake's mom had paid for a school bus to take us from Manderley to Eastgate. Blake was wearing a dress and a flashing crown that blinked the number eighteen. She was standing by the door to the bus with Cam, getting hugs, birthday wishes and sometimes presents from everyone passing by her.
"Happy birthday, Blake-I'm sorry I didn't have time to get you a present or anything."
"Are you kidding? I don't expect anything from anyone! I'm just glad you came. Is... Do you know if Max is coming?"