"Don't apologize to me, apologize to your future if you screw it up."
"Yes, Professor Crawley."
He gave a nod. "Go on to bed now."
"Thank you, Professor Crawley," she said quietly, before walking out the door and leaving us alone.
"So what happened with you? The boys' dorms, really? This surprises me."
"I wasn't doing anything-I just had to talk to Max. Holloway. Max Holloway. I had to talk to him about something."
"Couldn't wait until the morning?"
I shook my head. My eyes suddenly started to burn, and I surprised myself by getting the urge to cry.
"What's goin' on?"
I shook my head and fought back the tears. "I don't even know. I'm just so frustrated. I feel like all he thinks about is Her, and everyone's always talking about it-Becca this, and Becca that-and I'm just not trying to be her-I don't want what she had. Well, I mean, I do, I want him but that's just a coincidence, it wasn't on purpose. And everyone thinks it is, I feel like. And I went home and even Michael knew. Michael! He doesn't know anything, and yet he knew about Her. And then we got in that big fight, and it's just like even if I wanted to, I can't even go home, and I don't want to go to school with Leah anymore, because she's just...ugh sometimes, you know? Plus then every time I go up to my room here, there's Dana, just waitin' to be weird as hell. Blake's nice and everything, so that's cool, and I mean, you know, sometimes it really does feel like Max likes me. But why does Dana care so much? It's like I get sticking up for your friend, but... And what if she really comes back? Not that I don't want her to be okay or anything." I took a deep breath. I'd been staring at a spot on the desk, my words getting faster and more high-pitched as I spoke. I looked up at Professor Crawley and shook my head again. "I'm sorry."
"Quite all right," he said.
"I'm okay. Really. Like...all that stuff is just pissing me off. It's not like I'm troubled or anything."
"No, I understand perfectly well what you're saying. I don't know that I understood half of what you said, but I get that you're frustrated. But you're okay, you say?"
"Yeah."
He nodded, and then opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. He leaned in on his desk and looked at me. "Listen. Kids your age love to obsess. Half of them didn't even know Becca. But once she was missing, they all appropriated the pain and suffering. It's just what people do. Also, they've idolized her. They took her from being a normal human being, and turned her into some kind of deity of popularity. I'm not saying anything negative about Miss Normandy. But you just have to remember that no one is perfect. Not even her."
"Right. I'll remember that."
"All right. Feel better."
"Thanks." I stood to leave.
"Oh, and don't sneak into the boys' dorms again. If you want gossip started about you, that's the fastest way to get it."
When I got to my hall, I saw that almost all the doors were open, and everyone was talking.
"What happened?" I asked Madison when I saw her standing against a wall, her hand over her mouth.
"We should have known this would happen eventually." She was shaking her head and looking upset.
"What happened?"
"Someone else was watching the tapes."
Julia took over. "There's this...slow guy who works with the security team, and he usually watches at night. Becca cut some deal with him last year. He usually points the cameras away for a little while or something. I guess he wasn't the one watching tonight, or something. Or maybe he just doesn't care anymore."
Madison wiped the black tears from her cheeks. "At least last year he listened to Becca."
"Listened to her how?"
Julia shrugged. "I don't know, she talked to him one time and he agreed to keep quiet about seeing us walk down to the boathouse and everything on the other cameras. He works the overnight shifts on weekends. It was really convenient."
I'd had no idea I'd been risking so much by going down to the boathouse those few times. I thought it...well, I guess I never thought about it.
"That sucks." I tried to look sympathetic. "Anyway. I'm going to bed. I'm sorry you guys got in trouble."
I pushed open my door and went in, threw off my clothes without bothering to find pajamas, and crawled into my stiff bed. A few minutes later, Dana came in. She said nothing, but started laughing. I lay there, without acknowledging her, until she sighed and went silent.
Welcome back to Manderley.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO.
THE DINING HALL THE NEXT DAY WAS AWASH with "FIND BECCA" T-shirts.
I spotted my usual table easily in the sea of pink. I sat next to Blake, and ignored Max.
"Does it ever stop being cold here?" I asked, at a loss for anything else to say.
"Usually in April or May," said Blake. "So did you hear about the bust last night? Cam and I almost went!"
"Yeah, I heard a little bit."
"A bunch of people went down to the boathouse last night," Blake explained to Max. "But apparently a bunch of people got caught. Professor Crawley came down with security guards, and then Crawley chased a bunch of people up to the school."
"It's crazy, dude," Cam said, his mouth full of waffle. "Like fifteen people got a week study hall, and it's going on their record."
"I feel like it was more than fifteen." Blake looked at Cam. "In any case, it's a lot, and that so easily could have been us."
Cam's eyes were wide with the thought of it. "On any other day, it would have been us. I mean-"
Dana ran over before Cam could say whatever he'd been about to. She was wearing one of the pink shirts.
"I have to talk to you, Max." Her voice was higher than usual, and her words were running together. She looked pleased.
"What?" Max asked.
"Just come with me."
He followed her out of the dining hall, and the three of us sat watching the doorway until he came back in, looking green. None of us said anything.
Whatever she said, he looked to be taking it very seriously.
When they'd finished, Max came back to us.
"What happened?" Blake asked him as soon as he found his way into the chair.
He ignored her and looked at me. "Dana saw her last night."
All of us froze, and I felt like I'd been punched hard in the chest.
"Becca." Blake gasped her name. "She saw her? Where?"
"At the boathouse, apparently. After everyone got caught, Dana stayed behind to hide. When she came out, she says she saw her. Becca told her she'd been about to come into the boathouse when she saw Professor Crawley, and hid."
Blake dropped her spoon and leaned back and away from her yogurt.
"If she's back, why won't she just come out?" she asked. "What's she doing, just creeping around the beach? Seriously?"
"Come on," said Max. "Can you not see how this would make perfect sense to Becca? She loves having people think about her. I can completely picture her just shrugging and saying it's funny to watch everyone wonder."
Blake nodded. "Okay, yeah, that is true."
I stood and ran after Dana. I caught up to her in the rotunda, where she was sitting in one of the itchy chairs and writing in a notebook.
"What's up?" She looked at me with all kinds of smugness in her smile.
"If this isn't true, you know that it's really wrong to lie, right? If she wasn't here, and she's somewhere else, then everyone will be looking in the wrong place."
She smiled toothily, and I noticed her canine teeth were sharp and looked threatening. "What's wrong, new girl, you afraid of what's going to happen to you and Max?"
"Stop calling me that! And I'm not. But if you're sure, don't you think you should tell someone?"
"I was just about to. Is that all right with you?"
"I'm just saying it's pitch-black out there, and I know you miss her. You were probably drunk, and maybe you just...saw what you wanted to see?"
I didn't know why I was saying it, or what I expected to gain. I felt my cheeks go hot with embarrassment. Dana's face, on the other hand, went paler than usual. Her eyes narrowed, and I could hear her heavy breathing.
"Why don't you just back off? What is wrong with you? It's like you're obsessed with her or something!" All of a sudden she was screaming. "You're just psycho! Aren't you? You just want to be her! You don't want her to come back because you want to be the new girl! You want to marry Max instead of her! You want to-"
Johnny walked out of the dorm and came over to her, and I felt Max come up behind me. I suddenly felt okay. I wasn't alone in this.
"Dana, hey," Johnny said as he grabbed her. "Chill out."
She shifted her gaze to him, looking crazed.
"Calm down. It's okay." He was speaking to her like an overemotional child.
But it was working. Her breathing slowed a little, and she collapsed into him. Johnny looked at Max and gave him a small shake of the head.
We all stood there for a minute with a quiet dining hall behind us. I could feel eyes on me. Then, very suddenly, Dana covered her face and turned to run up the stairs.
"What happened?" he asked Max.
"Becca. She saw Becca."
Johnny looked steadily at Max and I saw the vein throb in his forearm as he clenched his fist. "Really."
"Apparently."
Johnny looked like he didn't know what to do with the information. He was staring at the floor with wide eyes.
I wondered, as I looked at him, if he'd had real feelings for her. He certainly looked as though he had. I remembered the way he'd talked about her in the study room. He had said that there was more to her. That not everyone had gotten to know her. He and Becca had hooked up-but had it been more than that for them?
By the time I came back to reality, Max and I were alone.
"I have to go study." He didn't look at me. "I'll find you later."
I went back into the hall, and took my and Max's barely touched trays to the kitchen.
I wasn't hungry anymore.
The school was buzzing with gossip for the rest of the week. Everyone was whispering about how she had been seen again. She was back.
For whatever reason, the increased theorizing of Becca's imminent return made me a target of even more stares. Why this was the case was a mystery to me. It's not like if she came back, we'd have a Godzilla versus Mothra fight and she'd take back her old bed and send me out onto the curb to wait for a cab. If she came back, she wouldn't even be able to finish out the year, surely. I didn't know what her return would mean. Still, people looked at me as if that was exactly what would happen.
When Friday night came and there was no boathouse to sneak down to, every girl on the hallway had to scream and shout in their dorms. It was nearly impossible to sleep. Eventually I drifted into unconsciousness, my head killing me and my blankets wrapped tightly around me to ward off the chill coming through the shut window.
Time passed, and finally everything was quiet and dark. In the hall, in my room, in my head. But then something was stealing me from my nothing-dreams.
It was a small voice, practically a musical whisper in the blackness. My eyes snapped open like a baby doll's as I realized first that I was awake, and then that the sound I heard was real. I couldn't make it out at first. But finally I realized this was Dana's voice. Singing "You Are My Sunshine." To herself.
I felt paralyzed.
"...you make me happy when skies are gray..."
I felt a little panicky, and fully awake.
"...please don't take my sunshine away..."
And she finished singing, and went silent. As if it had never happened.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE.