Extra edition-reminiscence of rainbow Aoyam
PV50 10,000 Breakthrough & unique 100,000 Breakthrough!
A small story of gratitude (^^)/
From a long time ago, there were more things that could be mistaken for girls.
Silky black hair.
Fair skin.
Pink lips.
Long eyelashes, edging big eyes.
Shy, only hiding behind my parents.
……is that way?
When I was a child I was shy, the children of relatives and in the neighborhood were mostly female.
It was often that I was brought out by force, had my hair tied in a way that I hated, dressed in girls’ clothes, and had makeup done.
In addition, by that time the adults also began to participate, I had become a live dress-up doll.
Dresses with frills and ribbons were often worn.
Even ordinary clothes, were all women’s styles.
My hair was cut because my parents couldn't get glue out of it, and it couldn't be seen by woman unnecessarily.
──It was painful and hard but could not be helped.
My parents stopped the evil glue immediately, my hair that got cut became shorter, but I was only to cover it with a wig at the time of dress-up.
Maybe that’s why I was so weak towards women.
I had the recognition that "woman = those who do things that I hate" and nothing else.
For a woman other than my mother, I wanted to spend as little time as possible without any concern.
That’s why I was relieved when I was with a man only.
However, it was understood familiarity was changed into love inside me, and that it was not only feeling relief and familiarity towards the man.
Originally, because I was made to be a crossdresser from the time since I was able to remember, there was no good feelings to a woman, so I never came to like women before.
The fact I can only love a man, is natural in a sense.
For that matter, earlier on "l'm changing aren't I?" that thought disappeared.
It seems it was natural for me.
……even so, I understood that I was different from others so I didn’t tell anyone about it.
My first love was a junior high school student who lived in the neighborhood.
At that time, I was an eight-year-old elementary school student.
Without even saying, I saw him walking with a woman, I was heartbroken.
Dress up, one day suddenly ended.
Still, I was often mistaken for a girl, I hated it.
While wearing male clothing, even with short hair, I was only seen as a tomboy girl.
If I said male form "I", “Shouldn't a girl not say that?" was told to me.
When I got older in elementary school, I had noticed the pink color around, love and dirty talk started.
"That troupe○○is cute" or, "△△is going to confess to □□……
"Hair has grown" or, "Take it off" and such…..
But mostly, I was playing when they had that kind of conversation.
Me facing a woman, I hesitate to talk about it.
…. Even if I was allowed to participate, l only love men, I can't do love talk.
Even if I became a junior high school student, my woman face seemed to have followed.
“More beautiful than a woman" is said, there's no reason to rejoice.
“I'd embrace Aoyama" when girls say that, I’m not happy.
They wondered it "it" was attached, when I was told to take off your clothes, my hand moved involuntarily.
It was the first time we had a fight.
I, don't want to be a woman's substitute.
I know they are just joking.
Still, I want to say that they don't do it with such a motive.
Liking a man, I can't say it to anyone.
Just saying, even if I'm confessed to by a woman, my heart doesn't move even a little.
" 'That guy', said if you were a girl he'd go for you!" Even if you say something like that, what do you want me to do?
I think it's good I understand the meaning of this jealousy.
I'm not a woman, so I know that not going to happen.
"Are you stupid? I'm a man."
Such words were said many times.
Many time I laughed through my nose.
You know, it doesn’t make sense to be jealous of me.
'That guy' wouldn’t fall in love with a "man".
Surely, He wanted to make her jealous, it's a foolish thing to say.
I want to you to not involve me in your lovers quarrel.
It was a feeling, that I had been made into a cold character.
Not fazed by anything, a cold man.
And, disposition that distances people around himself.
It’s not that I didn’t have any friends, but when I was asked if I was close, I couldn’t say yes.
They don't know anything about me, we just talk.
But, rather than becoming a troublesome thing, it was a good thing
Even when I became a high school student, I remained as a cold character.
Growing taller, at the same time it has become more common to be called out by a man than a woman, I've been more and more confused for a woman.
With my feminine face, it appears to have been said that there is a beautiful girl in school.
I was invited to the tennis club that was popular around that time, it seemed that I had decent skill.
It’s probably because 'he’s' been on a road trip for a match, confessions from other schools also increased from this time.
……I am, I'm not interested in women.
I don't feel like I could do it.
Those who were looking at the real me, was no one.
I think they were only looking at things like accessories and items that enhance my value.
I always refused to go out saying that I had no time.
In fact, I was busy with the club and even personal practice such as running.
The excuse seemed to be the most convincing, and there was no one criticizing.
…..sometimes "waste of time" was said.
In high school, I survived with club activities.
After graduation, I was able to say that I was busy studying to go to higher education.
The problem was, when I entered university.
The amount of invitation to join parties became unreasonably large.
The tennis club, was almost all drinking and sex parties, because we only played tennis once in a while, I quit immediately.
I didn’t have a goal like that, and I’m going to be a salary man in the future.…I only thought about the place.
In my spare time, because the number of approaching me women increased, I started to look for a part-time job.
However, I did not intend to do a part-time job seriously, I just took the body that I was looking for.
Still, towards an invitation to a thing called a drinking party.
"I have no money."
"I’m looking for a part-time job."
"I have a task to-do."
I made excuses, and refused.
"Just sit down."
"It's my treat."
"I’ll introduce you to a good part time job."
Even so, there are many people who don’t give up too…
"You, group date….what, If you open your mouth, all you remember is the idiots! In your head, is that all there is!?"
How many, times have wanted to say that?
I wish I could take the guy I want to go with, I’m not going to meet him so why should I attend?
At a place where there's love and laughter, why, should I go?
I'd been asked almost every day, to be honest I was disgusted.
……So one day, when I woke up, I forgot to set the alarm, as soon as I realized that I was late because I didn’t ring because it was broken, I fainted.
I dropped the power of the smartphone, I closed my eyes to sleep again.
……After that, what things are waiting for me, not thinking about it–
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