Even I know what is the fear of losing the person you love. Because more than anyone else, more than anything else, from the bottom of my heart I was afraid of losing Soleil. That was why I had made all the efforts I could to not be hated by him.
“I, was I, wrong somewhere?”
The words that had involuntarily slipped out of my mouth unexpectedly reverberated in the room that had fallen deadly silent.
“My lady?”
The man who had been my escort knight since my childhood raised his voice from the corner of the room. The only person who was not using “madam”, but was continuing to call me like when I had been unmarried, was him. I don’t know why, but no matter how many times he was rebuked for it he never ceased to call me like this. It may be because he had been together with me since I was a child and he couldn’t see me as an adult woman, but my heart was stuck with the impression he didn’t approve of me being Soleil’s wife. If it had been another time, I would have been able to fend him off with a smile, but right now it was impossible. Because if I let my guard down now I would start to cry, I tightly closed my eyes to endure it.
Since the news announcing that Silvia was seriously ill had arrived, a week had passed. I heard that Silvia had somewhat managed to hang onto her life. However, it seemed she wasn’t in a stable situation yet, even now she must remain under constant observation. I heard there would always be someone staying beside her.
Soleil remained at Silvia’s side and didn’t come back to the estate.
As for me, due to intense morning sickness, I was in a state where I couldn’t raise my head. Since that time when I collapsed in the entrance hall, I had been confined in bed. Because there was the risk I would lose the child if I overworked myself, the doctor had urged me to stay in bed for a while and to take a complete rest. I knew I had to immediately head for my parents’ house but it was a situation where even this much couldn’t be done with my own will alone. My health was bad to that extent. If I were to ride a carriage, my stomach would surely slowly be turned over.
Even so, if I had given priority to Silvia, if I had been an ordinary older sister, I think I probably would have gone to see my little sister. My ideals were telling me this was what it meant to be a family, to be a big sister. The ideals I imagined were declaring this.
But, however.
The more days passed by, the more I didn’t know what kind of expressions were good to make when I would meet her. All the more when I heard she was hanging onto her life. All the more when I heard her consciousness has returned. All the more when I thought Soleil was surely by her side. I have to go. Despite me thinking this, without knowing what attitude I should take, my legs refused to move. If it had been an unconscious Silvia, indeed it would have been possible to see her while displaying the visage of a kind big sister. I could have hold her powerless hand and prayed she would stay alive. I could probably have closed all my real thoughts inside my heart and acted the part of a praiseworthy big sister. However, in front of a Silvia who has regain consciousness, I can’t predict what kind of conduct I’ll take.
I will surely blame that child. Even if I seal my words, with my eyes, I will tell it to that child.
Why are you alive?
“Hey, can you come over for a bit?”
I called the escort who was standing near the door. He showed a slightly hesitant look, but before long, he approached until a distance not far from the bed. Originally, even if he was an escort, it’s not a praiseful thing for two persons to be alone in a bedroom. But at the present time where the head of the household is absent, most of the people were out, so there was no one to find fault with it.
“I have a request I want to ask.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“… my hand, can you grasp it?”
“Oh, but, well… that’s…”
I made a bitter smile toward the escort who was clearly gazing at me in a fluster.
“That’s right, as I thought it’s impossible.”
The hand I had hold out lost its strength and fell down atop the bed. You could see that my fingertips were losing their heat.
“Say, Al.”
“… yes?”
“I, how long, should I persevere?”
“My lady,”
When I looked up, his clear blue eyes wavered. He had golden hairs and gentle features. The only shield that protects me. In my first life when I had been arrested as a criminal, because he was my escort knight he was considered an accomplice. By no means the charges that had been piled up were things a woman could carried out by herself. Naturally. Because in the first place, they were false accusations. In order to make these strained and inexplicable facts looks consistent, he, who was upright and clean-handed, was arrested. The person who informed me of it was a jailer whose name I didn’t know. He didn’t tell me out of kindness. By your fault, a knight will die. I remember being told such a sentence.
That’s why, in this life to avoid getting neither too close nor too distant, I deliberately attempted to stay away from him. Because I didn’t want to involve him in my life.
“It’s fine if you don’t hold my hand, but can you stay here?”
“Yes, of course, my lady.”
With one knee on the floor, my escort that was now at the same height looked at me. He had a gaze similar to the limpid waters of the surface of a lake. In the room that was enveloped by a deadly silence, I had the feeling that our crossing lines of sight made a small noise similar to a creak.
“Lady?”
“…What is it?”
“I don’t mind ignoring some silly talk.”
“… What an awful way to phrase it. Saying you’ll ignore it, it’s the same as telling you won’t listen to it.”
I laughed, as if I was seeing some tragic things, and slightly raised an eyebrow.
“If my lady wishes for it, I will lend my hand at any time. If you truly desire it.”
“Hmm…”
“Because these hands will always exist for my lady’s sake.”
No matter how sweetly gentle his words sounded, they were words spat out as if to crush me, and were demonstrating that this was something that would never be tolerated. They had a different nuance than when I said I just wanted to hold hand. It’s the weight behind the words. That is to say, in truth, he would present his hand.
It meant he would grasp his sword, throw away his pride as a knight.
If here and now I were to take his hand, running away probably wouldn’t be hard. But the ruin that would befall runaways wasn’t hard to imagine. Because by making an enemy out of the marquis house, we would have no place left to live. All the more since this body is carrying the heir, there is no doubt the house would track me down in a frenzy. For that family status, for that lineage, it was obvious it would turn into a manhunt across the whole country. I couldn’t drag such a gentle person into that kind of life. He was someone who had pile up a lot of efforts to become a knight. Without doubts, he was the same as I who had been raised to become the mistress of a marquis house. The path he traveled along until here, I couldn’t let him threw it away just for my sake.
“I’ve listened to it. You’re right, it really was some silly talk.”
“…”
When I said that, my escort knight laughed without any vigor. Enticing an elopement, with the remark itself there was the possibility of being charged with a crime. That’s why, when he said he would offer his hand, he had surely gathered a considerable amount of resolution. Knowing such a deep resolution, I will not take this hand. And from now on, I will never choose it.
At the moment I met Soleil, I decided to become his wife. That was the path that had been decided by my surroundings, but I never once felt reluctant to follow it. In the aristocrat society where political marriage devoid of feeling were the norm, I thought that I, who could harbor affection for Soleil, was blessed with good fortune. From my childhood I understood what were my role and duties, but at the same time I had a dream. I believed that in a future where I was walking side by side with the person I loved, there would be no flaw. I had the intention to wait until the day he too, would develop feeling for me.
Even now, I was probably still pursuing that dream.
Not matter how much my expectations are betrayed, the image of a blessed future that was once harbored in my chest won’t leave my heart. I understand how foolish this is.
“That’s why, I’m sorry, Al.”
I muttered this in the darkness that encircled me as I had fallen half asleep. I didn’t know if my voice reached him. No answer came from my escort knight.
Please, forgive the foolish me who ignored your resolution and called it a silly talk.
****************************
Since my health had considerably recovered, I, only one time, went to visit Silvia. Soleil who had return to the estate for his work, requested me to go see her. I was thinking he would certainly rebuke me and ask me why I hadn’t go yet, but it ended in an anticlimactic way when I nodded in agreement without any energy.
After replying, I noticed the unnaturalness of the conversation. Normally, it should be a scene where I, the older sister, must petition Soleil. Where I request earnestly of my husband to let me go cheer up my little sister who was bedridden in illness. That way was certainly sounder. I wonder how good it would have been if I had said I intended to go without being told to. But I couldn’t say it. If it had been permitted, I didn’t want to meet. What kind of face make, in what standpoint would it be good to meet that child? I didn’t know. I couldn’t comprehend a single thing.
“Please come with me.” The words bounced inside my mouth then vanished.
… … Then in the end, after being asked to do so by Soleil, I went to see my little sister.
My parents’ house that I visited alone after a long time, was sunk in silence. Now that the only light called Silvia was losing its radiance, the interior of the mansion seemed to have been deprived of its glow.
Silvia was still in bed but she laughed and said she was recovering enough to get up while being supported by mother. Under her eyes and in their outer corner was a reddish tinge painful to look at. “Somehow, I’ve recovered enough to be able to talk.” Still, now, it won’t be for long, tell me that trembling voice.
When I stepped inside my little sister’s room, I could see that the shadow of a death that couldn’t be driven away was drawing near. Much weaker than before, the appearance of my little sister who seemed to be breathing with difficulty pierced me. Whether because she originally had a lovely face, or because she seemed to be cladded in a shadow, even though she was lying sick in bed she was still very beautiful.
“Big sister, I’m sorry.”
To my little sister who muttered that while looking at me, with what kind of voice should I answer? While thinking of what words to give to my little sister who is close to dying that wouldn’t make me look like an inhuman person, I slightly stroked my stomach. When I told him I was pregnant, Soleil who had return to the mansion for his work just smiled and say “Is that so?” His face was certainly smiling, but it was devoid of any strong feelings and his tone of voice had been cold. He wasn’t rejoicing. He wasn’t repudiating it either. It just seemed like he was indicating his thoughts of acknowledgement to his subordinate for completing his mission.
“I, love Soleil-sama.”
In front of her chest, Silvia crossed her slender fingers that had become so thin they looked like withered branches. She was looking like she was praying, like she was repenting. On her cheeks that had thinned and lost color and yet retained a last luster, one long tear was falling out.
“I, will soon die.”
So, that’s why please, forgive me.
Hearing Silvia tone of voice that was still clear despite her illness, an inappropriate thought - since when did she stop calling him “big brother” - crossed my mind. Mixed with the odor of medicine, I noticed the fragrance of Soleil’s favorite black tea leaves was floating in the air. That’s how long a time he spent in this place, looking at the decorations of a room that was typical of my little sister with her young girl hobbies. It’s a little laughable to think that brusque Soleil had spend time in this place, and I was jealous of my little sister who retained him in that uncomfortable room.
“Big sister, I, am afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of dying alone.”
My little sister voice passed through my ears. I’ve never heard words that don’t affect my heart this much. If it’s been decided you’ll die, will you be forgiven no matter what you do? The persons who will soon die, must they be granted forgiveness no matter what?
In the end, I couldn’t offer that mere single word to my little sister. Even if I forgive her or don’t, even if I hate her or bear a grudge against her, even that mere single word. I couldn’t even simply say I was glad she was alive.
On the night of that day, Soleil returned to the mansion to tell me that Silvia was crying.
“I heard you went to see Silvia. What on earth did you tell her?”
While looking at his cold expression, I replied “nothing.” On top of being the only word that I could find, it was the truth. Hearing this, Soleil made an expression that showed a disappointment coming from the bottom of his heart and said “don’t tell lies.”
Don’t tell lies.
If I think of all the things you’ve done so far, I can’t put any faith in your words. With that face and voice of yours, you have schemed against many people.
I’m already fed up with this.
To begin with, that child, is it mine?
… … A coup de grace, was surely something like that sentence. You could kill people without physically stabbing them with a blade. I felt like screaming, but after all, I also didn’t feel like raising my voice. The world lost its color. My heart was crushed.
When I noticed, once again, I was back on my bed.
“If things continue like this, madam’s body will be put at risk. If it’s now, we can still make it in time. You ought to give up on your child.”
The old doctor took my hand with a face that could only be described as sorrowful. Before I knew it, the only person who wouldn’t hesitate to grasp my hand was him and only him.
“… no, doctor.”
If a possibility exists, then I won’t give up that child. Because surely, a child that looks like Soleil will be born.
I will use that child to prove my innocence.
Oh, I see. That’s why Soleil has distanced himself from me?
Suddenly, everything made sense.
It was exactly as Soleil had said. To prove my love for Soleil, I stepped on too many people. While making a face like it was nothing, unconcerned, I stepped on anyone. Because at that time, I thought it was the thing I must do. Because otherwise, it would have been hard to even protect my feelings. I intended to follow the right path.
… … And then, after several months, I gave birth to a child who had the same hair color as Soleil.
However, I didn’t know his eyes color. I was barely able to give birth with great difficulties but, without being able to hold the child in my arms, I died. Eventually, it went the way the doctor had feared.
At the moment when my consciousness was vanishing, I felt that in the corner of my field of vision which had narrowed, I saw the golden hairs of my escort, but it could also have been an illusion. Before I had known it, the person who was caring the responsibility of escorting me had been replaced. On my very last moments, no one was left by my side.
Soleil was attending to my little sister, even for the day the baby was given birth to, he didn’t even come back to encourage his wife. Even as a vision, Soleil didn’t come by my side.
I’m lonely.
I’m sad.
Besides Silvia who said she was afraid to die alone, Soleil was here.
I’m afraid. I too, was hopelessly afraid.
I had enough. I don’t want these feelings never again. Being born again, I never want to.
In such a world, I should surely not be alive.