7 – The Eternity of Kaliarya Ignis – 9
The day I found her.
While I was flying in the sky, having turn into a black bird, a familiar melody reached my ears. You could say I changed course to head in the direction of that sound nearly due to a conditioned reflex. I wondered where I had heard that sound but I couldn’t remember it clearly. However, while I kept turning in circle up in the sky, listening carefully to it, the memory finally came back. At the same time, a heavy weight stirred in the depths of my chest.
... ... It sounded overly familiar to the lullaby Emma used to sing.
It was a tune I hadn’t heard for a very, very long time. The flow of time was something that changed everything and anything, but things that were lost among this flow were numerous. The lullaby Emma used to hum was one of them. I thought that since I had a long life, I would have the opportunity to hear it somewhere one more time, yet that opportunity never came until this very day. Therefore, in the end, I was never able to learn which place had inherited that sound. It might be my own fault since I never proactively asked her where her birthplace was. Continuing to remember those who are no longer in this world was absolutely futile. As such, I think I was deliberatly trying to not reminisce about her. Then before long, I also forgot about the lullaby she used to sing. ...... I should have, and yet.
Thus, when I heard this kind song, I vividly remembered Emma.
Is that why? Ah, someone is calling me. That’s what I felt.
*
*
“You, you’re strange,” she laughed.
From my point of view, you’re a lot, lot stranger you know? I said in a snort as I behaved like a child. I was half joking, half serious. When I did that, the girl... ... Ilya, heaved a little sigh. Then her lips curved into a slightly strange shape. It was a quite indefinable expression, so I couldn’t describe her emotion accurately. Eventually, Ilya whispered “That’s right,” without arguing. “I’m certainly strange, am I not?”
In the middle of the night, the room was wrapped in cold air even thought the window wasn’t open. The changing of seasons was always accompanied by a feeling that made gooseflesh run on my skin. When I relaxed my attention, my whole body shivered. Lately, my body responded as if it was “a living thing.” My five senses developed, I became able to sense it when the wind occasionally made my hairs sway and I regained subtle sensations like warmth, coldness or other comfortable feelings. My magical power and the doll created by Emma might have completely assimilate. I could probably no longer take off that “body.”
“Still, what was that?”
Changing my appearance from a black bird to a human figure, I stood by the edge of the bed she was sitting on. The interior of the room that was only lighten up by a faint light was always gloomy, but we could still see. I saw her indistinct silhouette rose her head to look up at me and smile. Her pale emerald iris containing an orange light was beautiful. Every time she blinked, it seemed like the faint light spread at the surface of her eyes would scatter. More than a gem stone, it was closer to a mineral. Before being polished, it’s something that wouldn’t draw people’s eyes, yet depending on the angle at which it reflected light, it would emit an unexpected glitter.
“You already know right? I can see things other people cannot see. ... And so, what about the baby you were holding in your arms a while ago?”
When I asked her such questions, Ilya’s eyes slightly widened, then she once again made a bitter smile, “I guess I did that, right.” She was smiling even thought it wasn’t funny, that was laughable in itself. I didn’t like this and frowned in silence. Maybe she noticed it, but her thin lips remained fixed in a smile as she told me, “There is something else.”
“I can see the future. ...... It’s unusual, right?”
I stared at her face to see through her real intention, wondering if she was joking. But because she suddenly averted her gaze, I couldn’t grasp anything. Her line of sight stopped on the iron-grid window. On the other side of the polished glass, there were iron rods lined up at regular intervals, and between them you could catch a glimpse of rectangular pieces of sky. There was nothing else.
“... You said you wanted me to protect your sister, right. Because in the past, she saved you.”
“Yes, that’s right.
“But, it’s not just that, right? Isn’t it possible that something will happen in the future?”
“...”
“Well, that’s if I believe what you said.”
As usual, she just stared into the darkness and didn’t open her lips. But I couldn’t see the slightest hint of sadness on her profile, despite the fact it was impossible for her to be happy with her current condition of being locked up in this small room. On the contrary, she seemed to hide an unshakable resolution. She had such a strong gaze. What the hell was she seeing inside the darkness? I had no way of knowing, but...
“Well, it’s fine. I’ll grant your wish at least. That’s what I promised.”
…… But, on the day I met Ilya for the first time, I never thought I would end up shortening the distance between us that much. After all, at least I had a sense of wariness. Even if she was humming a lullaby similar to the one Emma used to sing, I didn’t approach her carelessly. First, I wanted to ascertain what kind of person she was. To begin with, I knew that a person who was gazing at the outside from a window laced with iron rods was not normal. So it took a few days before I exchanged words with her. But, I observed her every single day. I noticed that what was abnormal, wasn’t her, herself, but her environment.
A part of her was certainly mixing up reality and fantasy. However, she only did that to a slight degree. It wasn’t to the point she would confuse her surroundings. It might be happening because she had a solid self-control and she was suppressing her emotion. It’s true that a while ago, it seemed like she was talking to the phantom of a baby, but currently she was calm and composed. People who interacted with her in the daytime wouldn’t noticed her mind had some problems. Ilya was simply always thinking of her fiancé and was dedicated to him, doing her best to become a person worthy of him. Her overly frantic and desperate state was touching. The thing that was hard to understand was the fact such a girl was always all alone. No one helped her. Even Soleil, as his fiancé, looked like he was keeping a certain distance from her.
“Why do you like that fiancé of yours so much?”
When I couldn’t bear more of all this and asked such question, her face was lightened up by a small smile. I see. As before, she made the choice to “smile,” like always. She did that every time, always. As if someone had told her to do so.
“The young me was a child who couldn’t do anything, it was even worse than now. When I met Soleil-sama, because I was an ordinary girl, even though I had received a certain degree of education, I was completely useless. Yet, that person... Soleil-sama, didn’t criticize me. On the contrary, he waited for me.”
“Always, he was there, not saying anything, simply waiting for me.”
The face of the girl who was slowly narrating this word by word, seemed happy at first sight. She had an expression that seemed to say she was satisfied with everything. And yet, despite that, for some reason it felt like she was about to cry. I lost my words. I’ve always felt it. The truth was that...
... He had already, stopped waiting for you, I thought.
I knew I should say it, but because I understood how cruel these words were, I could only grind my teeth to not say this ruthless truth. Seeing me like she, she tilted her head in wonder and repeated, “You’re strange.” To hide her chuckle, she put her slender fingers to her mouth. Some ink had stained them indelibly. That was the proof of all the hours she had spent holding a pen every day, since her childhood. The books on economy had been read and re read to the point she could recite them from memory, the corners of the pages were all torn off and the front cover was worn-out. On the blank spaces and margins, the notes written down by Ilya were overflowing. There, you could see the trace of her efforts. But after saying that just remembering itself was of no use, she had then picked up books on politics and the history of foreign countries.
It wasn’t all, dance practice was also indispensable. One day after she’ll have become a woman from the highest rang of the aristocracy, she had to dance better than the others women too. Even if blood oozed of her toes, she didn’t mind. There was still more, she must be able to sing along the piano, since it was a must for a noble daughter, she practiced for many hours. She did all that on her own.
She also probably had days where she didn’t feel like reading. Or days she didn’t want to hold a pen. Days she didn’t want to dance, days she couldn’t bear the sight of a musical instrument. Surely sometimes, she must have wanted to take a break for the whole day. Yet, she didn’t. Seeing her like this, was simply nothing but painful. No matter who would see her like this, they would understand she was overworking herself.
Yet, no one, not even one single person, stopped her. No one told her it was fine to take a short break. On the contrary, they displayed a scolding behavior that implied she must try even harder. Her parents... especially her mother, was like this. She never ever clearly said words of encouragement, but she casually offered her advices, acting like she was cornering her to a wall.
“The person who will become the wife of the next marquis cannot depend on others. Neither must she allow others to accompany her.”
Even thought that girl had never depended on her parents, not even a single time, she told her such harsh words. but the people around Ilya all approved of her mother’s words. The only one who thought differently was probably Ilya’s escort knight. However, he couldn’t restrain the action of his master. To say nothing of refuting the words of his employer’s wife, a countess.
That’s why I tempted her with sweet and endearing words. Should I lend you a hand?
Nevertheless, she never agreed. She only said, “I have only one thing I would like to request of you. To protect my little sister.” This was absolutely not the answer to my question. Leaving me alone as I was quite bewildered, Ilya directed her gaze that seemed to see through everything and anything without obstruction toward me. Her eyes seemed to say, There is no need to care about the like of me.
Then, without any logical connection she started to explain about a certain band of robbers. A very dangerous group, she said.
Because she kept talking and insisting about them, I tried to search them myself, but it’s a tiny group of thieves whose name was unknown. Their influence didn’t threaten the public order of the town. They got a few earnings through repeating minor offenses, and they were unlikely to make a big mess. I absolutely couldn’t understand why she worried about them. Still, she was concerned about that insignificant group of robbers and had wished they were arrested. That’s why I had no choice but to cooperate.
I did it because I had too much time on my hands. I was simply utterly free. I thought that it was fine to offer her a moment of my long, long life. Surely, the days I’ll spend with Ilya would fly in a blink. Because that’s how it was supposed to be.
I didn’t know what kind of existence I was for her. Maybe she was doubting me, not knowing if I wouldn’t betray her one day. In the depths of her heart, she probably didn’t trust anyone.
However, I wonder... If, I was a smarter person able to understand the subtility and inner working of the heart, then... would I have been able to overturn all the events that happened afterwards? One of them had been, for example, the fact she had married her fiancé, as planned.
I remember her wedding ceremony well. It was held on a day with a perfect weather, a day where a soft wind was dancing in the sky. The dress she had prepared herself for that day was so gorgeous it was dazzling, to the point you would hesitate to take a straight look at it. What was looking so sparkling was the embroidery, and maybe it did so because she had sewed it herself. Each time the needle pierced the fabric, it created the pattern she was picturing. That kind of craft gave birth to a masterpiece, but it took a lot of time and was also frustrating. Still, doing that made her expression soften.
She kept saying she had been living all for that day.
Naturally, since my existence wasn’t perceived by others, I did not attend the ceremony. Like always I took the shape of a bird and I flew above the church where the ceremony was held. I could see the young couple who had probably exchanged their vow inside the church as well as the attendants when they all came out in the garden. They were probably having a get-together. From the far and high sky, as I was looking down at them, that girl who had just received the title of “wife” looked up. I sensed that somehow, she was watching me. However, maybe her husband by her side told her something, but she immediately turned her gaze back.
Because she had finally became the marquis’ wife, her time of working herself to death should have come to an end. When I told her, Since the management of the territory is the job of your husband, the feudal lord, you should take it easy now, Ilya tilted her head in puzzlement. It’s precisely because that’s the case that I should strive hard to be of help to Soleil-sama, she answered as she drove herself to a corner. I knew that what she feared the most was to not be needed by Soleil. “Life” for her may be devoting her all for Soleil. That’s why. That’s precisely why, each time she picked up the dress she had prepared for her wedding ceremony, her expression looked happy somehow.
That girl was...
... standing beside the person that could now be called her “husband,” smiling with her “usual and unchanged smile.” It can’t be! I unconsciously whispered so, as I never expected to see that expression on her face for her wedding day. “Why?”
Why, do you keep smiling even till such a time?
No, that’s not it. Usually, it was an occasion where it was fine to laugh and smile. On the contrary, not smiling was stranger. Because today was such a day. The day that was supposed to be the brightest in one’s life. Yet, her smile brought forth a sense of discomfort and incongruity. It might be because I felt this wedding ceremony was a big farce. I knew that for Ilya who had been eagerly waiting for this day with all her heart, my remark might sound too cruel. Still, it was nothing but a farce.
At the end of my line of sight, I could see a man who should have declared his wedding vow, yet who wasn’t looking at his own wife but her sister. Standing next to such a man, Ilya was pretending to be overly happy.
I thought it was stupid. It was absurd and ridiculous. However, I had no composure to laugh at this. I remembered the pain that tightened my chest. Although she was smiling, Ilya didn’t change her expression, like it has frozen. The mask that was tightly clinging to her small features was something that wouldn’t be peeled off unless great efforts were made to make it happen. Despite the fact today was a grand celebration, like a new depart in her life, she chose to wear that mask.
In other words, she had resigned herself. She had sworn to love her husband. On the other hand, she gave up on “loving herself.”
In truth, she had bet everything on that day. Bet that the man who had been her fiancé since their childhood, Soleil, would maybe, for today at least, look at her. That’s what she probably hoped.
Such a simple wish was crushed.
While keeping her smile, Ilya quietly felt into despair without anyone knowing.
*
That girl who had still become Soleil’s wife fulfilled her duty as a member of the marquis’ house, as if nothing was wrong. As if she was saying that accomplishing her obligations as Soleil’s wife was giving meaning to her life. As if saying she absolutely mustn’t shame the marquis’s family as a member of their household. All of that for the sake of being acknowledged as the wife of the next marquis. She attended social gatherings in stead of her husband busy with his word as a knight, spreading out her personal connections, and sometimes she even took part to diplomatic party alone. No one would have thought that it was once suspected something was wrong with her mind. Back when she was attending the academy, she was very devoted to Soleil and ended up embarrassing people of her entourage. But now she had become quiet and inconspicuous. She was virtuous, noble, fastidious and talented. Even in the aristocratic world, it didn’t take long before she was acknowledged as a person suitable to belong to the marquis’ house.
I thought she was doing well. That everything was going smoothly. By that time, the group of robbers Ilya had in mind had already greatly weakened and it was thought it would disappear sooner or later. I wondered if she did something or if they simply destructed themselves? I didn’t know, but that didn’t matter.
Because the incident that happened afterwards had probably nothing to do with it.
That day, the twilight sky was very pretty. While admiring that seven-colored sky which could only be seen during a change of season, I flew until the sun was on the verge of setting. When I thought that an ordinary human could only look at this sky from a much farther place, I somehow ended up with the positive feeling it wasn’t such a bad thing to have obtained that body. When I tried thinking about it, this was the first time I thought this since my body had vanished. I might have been inspired by Ilya who was always desperately trying to live through “the present.” No matter how much time will continue to flow thereafter, maybe if I could simply live while gazing at “the present,” then I might become able to enjoy it and breathe more easily. I thought that I ought to live earnestly, like her.
That might be why. On the night of that day, when I witnessed the deranged Ilya, I couldn’t stay calm.
... ... While crying, she told me her little sister became pregnant. And that the child’s father was her own husband.
When I heard those words, I hesitated and searched for words I could say to encourage her. I had guessed something like this might happen one day, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. The girl who continued to cry convulsively like a child was pitiable. Since everything she had so frantically worked for until now ended up in vain, it was natural. But, when I was reflexively patting her little back... she spoke totally unbelievable words.
She said she kept repeating the past.
That she would go back to the same time again and again and again. Then she rose her voice to scream it was precisely why, even thought she was supposed to have conducted herself perfectly, it had all be for naught, and once again she erupted in a violent fit of sobbing. Unable to stand, she remained sitting on my lap, her tears dropping drops by drops. It made me wonder how could she possibly have saved up so much water. With my thoughts that weren’t functioning very well, I looked down at Ilya who was saying incoherent words. That girl looked at me. Her eyes that were turned in my direction were displaying her uneasiness. They were telling me she wanted me to understand, to sympathize, to not doubt her. But.
Going back in time, it’s impossible.
The first thought that came to me was this.
It was because I, myself, had looked for, had wanted from the bottom of my heart that “magic to return to the past.” In the past, many years before now, around the time I had just lost Emma, I often thought about it. If I could go back to the past... then could I start over from my encounter with Emma? If it was possible to go back to an even earlier time, could I stop my father from casting this spell on his son? Or, could I repeat the days after our marriage endlessly until I got tired of it?
If I was able to return to the past, to what time should I go? That’s what I researched repeatedly. If that magic didn’t exist anywhere in this world, then should I create such magic myself? I kept thinking thoroughly all day and night. Yet I could not do it. In the end, I reached the conclusion that maybe, only god could be able to manipulate time. That’s why, I thought....
… that I had to continue to live that unwanted life, my wish remaining ungranted.
“It’s almost like hell.”
That’s right. This place was like hell. If that was the case, then what sort of punishment was this? What the hell was I being punished for? What did I do? These questions I had started to forget shrouded my mind.
“Say, don’t you think so?”
Ilya was quick to react to my inquiring voice. Maybe she hadn’t thought at all she would be told such things, but she made a slightly stupid expression. For her to make such an expression was very rare. It might have been imprudent of me to laugh at this.
“But if this is hell. If you’re receiving your punishment. Then, what kind of sin did you commit?”
When father casted a spell on me, I was a little child. Such a young me, what kind of crime had he committed to descend to this hell? If this was a fate I had been carrying since my birth then... what kind of karma was I burdened with when I was born into this world?
“Why is it happening to you and you alone?”
...... Why did it happen only to me?
While asking Ilya, I also asked the same question to myself. Despite knowing there was no answer. Why must I be the only one to experience such a thing? Even though in this world, there are so many people, why is it no one else, why is it me?
While she was still half in a daze...
“... I, wanted to, wanted to become happy...”
... she answered word by word.
“I only, wanted to, become happy, that’s all.”
Her trembling lips carefully spat out these words. Then, just at this instant, her face turned white as if she had admitted having committed a serious sin.
“That’s why,” she continued. “That’s why, things became like this.”
I couldn’t understand the meaning of her words. However, I realized I had committed an outrageous error. I had injured a girl who had reached her hand to me for help.
That small hand which had probably asked for someone’s help for the first time, I mercilessly strike it down.
I crushed this pure heart that couldn’t defend itself.
Nocta’s thoughts:
I just want to warn you that next chapter is the last one the author has wrote for now, but the story is not finished yet. Below is a little spoiler to let you know the last lines of chapter 50, which are, unfortunately, a damned son of a cliffhanger:
こんな風に、彼女と僕は終わった。
―――――終わったはずだ。
けれど、本当は、この出来事はただの始まりでしかなかったのかもしれない。
That’s how my time with her ended. ... ... how it should have ended.
However, actually, this incident might have only been a beginning.