If this is the real end – 23
In my first life, I greeted my end in an underground jail. Remembering the exact moment I died was difficult. I writhed in grief, anguish and despair, I thought it was understandable that my memory was vague. And so, even if Soleil’s friend came all the way to this place, I couldn’t recall the details clearly. … … I shouldn’t have been able to.
In a sudden flash, the mist in my mind cleared up. I remembered one thing. He, at that time, said he had brought Silvia’s ribbon.
As I lay collapsed on the ground, every breath bringing along pain, he told me, “You better give up and die.” His words were excessively indifferent, but when he whispered “I’m sorry” with eyes blurred out by tears, this might have been his way to offer me his compassion. It’s fine to die now, he might have been trying to tell me that. Then, extending his arm through the iron grid, he gave me Silvia’s ribbon.
“… You might say you don’t need this, but dying alone is lonely, isn’t it? In the place you must go now, your little sister is waiting. So, set your mind at ease.”
I probably won’t be able to go there through, he said, forcibly putting in my hand the ribbon stained in blood. Even if I was told it was from my little sister, I didn’t recognize it and didn’t feel anything from holding it. Besides, why did he have something said to belong to my dead little sister? The thought it might have been entrusted to him by Soleil or my parents crossed my mind, but that idea didn’t settle in my mind. However, if he had been present when my little sister was attacked by the bandits, then everything would be explained.
Like the current situation.
“Why, are you… here?”
The red hairs man Soleil interrogated… … Edward, titled his head. Then, with a troubled expression he answered, a smile devoid of strength on his lips, “Don’t you already know?” You betrayed me? My fiancé whispered in a barely audible voice. His back clearly shook, showing how upset he was. In the first place in such a situation, I didn’t think there were any person who could maintain their presence of mind.
“Soleil. I think you know that too but, for the sake of the one thing they cherish, humans can do everything and anything.”
While his hairs fluttered in the wind like a swaying flame, he declared so. It had a profound meaning. But Edward sank in silence and looked toward Saion. Taking over, Saion shrugged his shoulders and said with exaggeration, It’s not a bad thing to cast away everything to protect what’s precious to you. Then he winked his dark purple eyes. It was strange because his soft narrowed eyes felt like they resemble Silvia’s. But I didn’t know whether or not there was a blood relationship between them.
“… What are you talking about? What will you do with me? Say, Saion-sama…”
Still restrained by the large-built man, Silvia asked in a small voice. My little sister was wrapped in the still soft light of the setting sun. If this place was a stage, then she was the leading actress bathed in spotlight. Tears spilled over from her eyes similar to amethysts, glittering as they fell on her chest.
“Well, various things happened, I said it earlier, didn’t I?”
“… Saion… sama, why. Why are you doing that?”
Maybe he was moved by her crying voice that induced pity, but Saion answered back in an irritated tone, “Ah, alright!”
“Well, it’s ok, I guess. I’ll explain since you don’t have a lo of time left. I said it earlier but, Her Majesty the Queen who passed away wasn’t blessed with a child. Currently, the problem of her succession has broken out. … … In other words, it’s not that there isn’t any successor. Obviously. The royal family could not not have taken any measure in case something happened to Her Majesty, right?”
And so, several successor candidates are currently facing off, aiming for the throne. That’s what Saion talked about.
“Among these candidates, there isn’t any who is a direct descendant of Her Majesty. Everyone of them had been living in a place far from the crown. Yet…how should I say? They have been chosen. Then, there is my brother-in-law. He was lucky… or should I say unlucky? But he became one of the successor candidates.”
With a dry laugh he dropped his eyes.
“I wonder, isn’t there anyone who can know what his future is going to be like hereafter?”
He sighed and it felt like his voice had weakened a little. No one could answer his question. Because no one knew. Now, time was overwhelming too short to organize my thoughts regarding this story I heard for the first time. It wasn’t a light topic that could be answered after a few seconds of consideration. Saion probably knew it too, as he said, “It’s a problem you guys cannot picture either.”
“Currently, the royal family is stormy. But a new problem has arisen here. A group advocating the abolition of our monarchy has appeared. And their ulterior motive is to crush in one go our royal family shaken by the problem of succession.”
Saion who had rattled on and on until now suddenly drew his sword.
“In the case someone other than my brother-in-law become the king, the people in the way will all be made to disappear. Then again, in the case the abolitionists won the struggle, all the person related to the royal family will be purged. In other words you see, for my brother-in-law, apart from becoming the next king, there is no other path left.”
I wonder if you guys can understand the feelings of the people born in such a country? Saion said as he readied his sword. Matching his action, the other two men and Edward took a fighting stance. The large built man shoved Silvia away. My little sister who became free tried to move toward us as she staggered but Saion stopped her with his words, “If you move, I’ll kill you.” Silvia’s shoulders shook and she stopped where she was. Her figure was hidden by Edward when he stood before her. We were completely outnumbered. Soleil was at a great disadvantage.
… … If the maid who stayed back at the estate transmitted my message to Al, then it was possible he would come here. However, even now his figure was nowhere to be seen, now in this situation, no matter how much time I staled, I could already see how this would end.
“Moreover, the problem doesn’t stop here. That’s right, I’m talking about Silvichan.”
My little sister was far. Her trembling eyes were fixed on me. Her eyes were telling me, “Save me.”
“If her existence were to become known… in terms of lineage, she would become the major contender for the succession. That would be a problem. After all this time, if she appeared now, that would be very problematic!”
Whoosh! The sound of grass being curbed by the wind resounded and became the signal. The first one to move was as expected, Saion. His drawn sword glittered, in an instant, my vision was dyed blank.
“Even so, I won’t allow it!”
Rising his sword, Soleil exclaimed this. Violent sounds of metal colliding against each other echoed in my ears. It was possible that Saion was involved in the intelligence corps of his country, so he may be used to fighting with a real sword. But Soleil was a student. You couldn’t say he had many experiences with actual fighting. Even an amateur like me could tell who had the advantage. Besides, even now Soleil had yet to fully understand the present situation. He seemed to be sticking to a defensive fight.
The two persons who had a friendly chat in the cafeteria were now facing each other. Had Saion anticipated such a future? No, maybe, he had never thought he would be confronting Soleil like this. If I hadn’t brought him to this place, then Saion and Soleil would have never crossed sword like this.
“Soleil, you’re really half-heart. … … I even tried so hard to show you the right way.”
“…What?”
“I kept encouraging you about Silvichan. That more than Miss Ilya, Silvichan was a better fit for you. I said it so many times, again and again. Because I knew things could have settled peacefully this way.”
“What are you talking about…?”
“If Silvichan had become part of your marquis’ house. Then this situation could have moved in a better direction. If her name had entered the register of your home and become one of yours, then it would have been the same thing as if she had pledged allegiance to this country.”
“…”
“Because the name of your house is well-known in other countries. Silvichan would have become a people of this country in name and reality. By doing so, she could have completely separated herself from our country. Yes, in that case, there may have been room for negotiations. We could have left Silvichan at large and overlook her.”
Soleil had already lost all his words and simply listened to Saion while warding off his sword.
“The situation we want to avoid the most is for Silvichan to continue existing as the “innocent daughter” of the earl. No, to be more accurate, if she had stayed in the estate as a secluded young lady, living without her existence being none by others, it would have worked out. And yet of all things, she had to start attend the academy.”
What a shame, said Saion as he shook his head and heaved a sigh.
“Even though the people of our country are trying to use Silvichan, aiming for the right opportunity to strike…. For her to nonchalantly continue to attend the academy, it really makes me laugh. But you see, even us wanted to avoid a needless killing.”
So I took great pains to give you a choice. Saion swung his sword in a large movement. Soleil moaned. His sleeve was torn and blood was flowing. Without thinking, I gasped.
“Miss Ilya… …:”
Abruptly, my name was called. Saion shook the blood of his sword, looking at me.
“But Soleil said that. … … That if it wasn’t you, if it wasn’t Ilya, it wouldn’t do.”
Hearing his words, my eyes opened voice. I couldn’t even answer anything back. It was completely inconceivable that Soleil had said such a thing.
“There was no room of maneuver for me, no place to interfere. So, you didn’t need to be so anxious.”
Soleil stepped forth as if to protect me and once again turned toward Saion. At that moment, a voice resounded, “You bastard, are you betraying us?” When I reflexively turned in that direction, Edward was directing his sword at the big man who should have been standing by his side. They were scowling at each other with a fierce glare, absolutely not looking like companions.
“It’s unfortunate but I never intended to be on your side from the start, so calling me a traitor isn’t right.”
Edward who had barely interjected in the conversation until now cheerfully grinned.
“… You don’t care about what’ll happen to your family?”
Saion asked him in a calm voice. He was still facing Soleil but I understood his question was for Edward. What was the thing Edward talked about when he mentioned “the one thing he had to protect?” Even without being told, all the persons present here knew. Surely, Soleil must have understood too. “Ed,” He started calling out to him but eventually, drew his lips together. In this situation, the meaning was that Edward changed to our side. He was exuding an air of determination.
“… Of course I’m hesitating. Naturally, I cannot say I don’t care what will happen to my family. But, they love me. These people would never forgive me if I become a traitor for them.”
So I won’t betray my friend! Soleil’s best friend firmly asserted so. Hearing this, Saion sneered.
“Well, well, well… what a wonderful friendship. But, Ed, that means… you have the resolution to die, right?”
You’re so foolish, so childish, he continued. He was a man who had crossed over countries for the sake of his brother-in-law, a man who had even made use of his friendship with Soleil. For Saion, Edward’s way of thinking was probably impossible to understand.
“…… Alright, now. Playtime’s over.”
A slender man who was looking at Saion’s and Soleil’s confrontation clapped his hands. He was probably going to assist Saion. He stood diagonally to Saion’s back, facing Soleil. On the other hand, Edward and the large built man once again readied their swords. During the conversation, they had kept each other in check, not averting their confronting gazes from each other. Even so, Edward slightly changed his posture, his attitude showing he was trying to protect the nearby Silvia.
“It’s a pity we couldn’t come to an understanding.”
I wondered who said this. Hearing these words which sound like a sentence to death, my hands unknowingly shook. Although my life or death was being haggled in front of my eyes, I couldn’t do anything.
“Sorry but I’ve no intention to die!”
Edward’s voice was bright. Was he pretending to be confident or did he truly think so from the bottom of his heart? He rushed toward the big man. As if in sync with his fluttering red hairs, blood danced in the wind. The difference in strength was clear. It was impossible for him who wasn’t even an ordinary knight to fight evenly with someone who was clearly a professional. But he still tightly grasped his sword. Even if blood flew, he didn’t show any sign of pulling back by even one step.
“… If the country we had been born in had been different, we might have become good friends. But, this is also fate.”
When Saion swung his sword, Soleil also countered him. I was an amateur who didn’t know much about fight, but since their physique was similar, it seemed that their strength rivaled each other. But currently, Soleil had to face two opponents. Saion had probably brought along with him the elites of the secret corps. From the perspective of their age, they couldn’t possibly be students and it felt they were used to real fighting.
“And you cannot go against fate.”
Saion made a hard-to-read expression, as if he was laughing but also grieving. For the sake of his brother-in-law he pretended to be an overseas student and went to a foreign country as a spy. In terms of age he was the same as us, yet he had resolved to dirty his hands to defend what he had to protect.
“Everything was going great! If I could have used your complicated relationship. I could have suppressed this situation well!”
When Saion talked to me in the back yard, he spoke about his country. That marriages out of love were becoming commonplace. In his country right now, a huge change must be taking place. The main populace was probably at its core. That’s why, his and his brother-in-law’s standings were in a terribly dangerous position. According to his words, that time when Silvia’s mother sought asylum, that country seemed to also have been thrown in the mist of chaos. It was a country that had repeatedly been in conflict again and again like this. That might have been why he told us with gloomy eyes that he envied our peace. It was hard for me to say I understood his feelings, but I remembered this devoted thought of wanted to do one’s utmost for the sake of one precious thing.
“Soleil-sama!!”
The sun was setting, dyeing the surrounding in red, drowning out the scattered blood. The one who screamed was Silvia. The slender men had pierced Soleil’s shoulder with his sword. I almost let out a shriek when he groaned but I desperately held it down. I didn’t want to be in his way. I just heard that Silvia kept screaming.
I thought we’d lose. At this rate, Soleil will die. Boom, boom, my heart was making a hideous noise. Sweat was drenching my clenched fists. The same moment I felt scared, dizziness assault me as an oncoming premonition slowly rose in my chest. Peeping through the window of my room, a nameless black bird was looking toward me. That bird said he was named Crow, the bird portentous of ill-omen.
“Wait, please, wait.”
I haven’t made my resolve yet. I still didn’t know what I should do to lead this situation toward a good direction. My gaze roamed to the right, then the left. I took several deep breaths, trying to arrange my disordered breathing. Unable to put my mental state in order, I just hurried toward my sister. I knew something was about to happen. Meanwhile, Silvia’s voice once again rang out, “… Soleil-sama!!”
… … However, it wasn’t like Soleil was being driven to a corner. Before long he cut down the slender man, then quickly dodged. His sword raised in front of his face blocked Saion’s attack.
“…Ah” A voice full of admiration unintentionally leaked out. It sounded distant. In front of my eyes, the moved their exchanged as they stir up their sword seemed to slow down. Everything around me seemed to proceed to slow down. I could now perfectly see the sword moves my eyes couldn’t keep with before. Soon, Soleil’s sword pierced Saion’s abdomen. The way he screamed and spat out blood was rather disgusting. I couldn’t help but feel scared. But, that’s why I was convinced it was Soleil’s victory.
The fact I wasn’t feeling relived yet was because I could guess what would happen after this. The thought we had won only lasted a moment. Far from losing their fighting spirit, Saion’s eyes shone with a will even stronger than before. The dull light in his pair of eyes sharpened and he looked toward Silvia. I wondered if anyone noticed it. Not even Soleil who was tightly grasping the sword piercing him could have guessed Saion’s intention.
It was the will to protect to the end the thing he cherished, no matter what he had to sacrifice for it. The firm conviction to not let anyone get in his way and hinder him. The determination to present his own life in order to carry out his ideal.
I also used to be like that in the olden days. That’s why I understood Saion had used his body to seal Soleil’s sword and moved to fulfill his objective. He let go of his sword, then threw away the short dagger concealed in his sleeves toward Silvia.
I thought I wouldn’t made it, but the feeling similar to a threatening sense of duty to make it in time moved my feet. My body moved faster than my thoughts. After receiving a strong shock around the lower part of my chest, I understood exactly what had happened. I didn’t feel pain. Because I had previously been assailed by a more intense suffering than this. My noise and mouth closed at the same time and I became unable to breath. I thought somewhere inside my mind that this sound similar to a hiccup I suddenly made, was because I failed to breath. In my back, my little sister gasped. This sound resounded in my ears.
“…. Ahah, ahahahahah !! How funny. How, very, funny.”
The figure of Saion collapsing while laughing disappear from my view. No, it’s not that. I couldn’t keep him in my field of vision. I also couldn’t stand. Because in my chest, the haft of a dagger was sticking out.
“There is no point no matter how much you protect your little sister! Her life will always be targeted from now own…!”
I thought while listening to the distant screams of Saion. His words had a point. Until its homeland regains its peace, Silvia will surely keep being targeted.
… … In that case, all the more reasons to leave that child in Soleil’s care. The overwhelming political power of the marquis’s house will become Silvia’s shield.
“Big sister! Big, sister…”
For a few seconds, or maybe a few minutes, I felt my consciousness flying. Silvia’s voice brought me back to reality. While I was unaware of it, our surrounding had regained its silence. Frustrated by my blurring field of vision, I blinked several times. When I finally managed to clear it, I saw black hairs and a pair of blue eyes. Soleil was peering into my face. That namely meant that we had reached the conclusion. And the fact he was here probably meant that Edward’s fight had also ended. “Ilya.” While staring at the face of my fiancé who quietly called my name, I called out the person who should also have been close by.
“… Edward-sama, can you take away Silvia?”
Despite the fact I should have been in so much pain I thought I couldn’t breathe, unexpectedly, I could speak firmly. “There is something, I want to talk, with Soleil-sama.” Now that I thought about it, there was no pain. Only a strange sensation as if my pulse was festering.
“Big sister…”
Edward pulled away my little sister who was trying to cling to me who lay collapsed on the ground. As I thought, he had already suppressed his opponent. He seemed to have been injured, but it seemed it wasn’t endangering his life. Even though blood was shed, my wish had come true. The fact his face was distorted, was probably because he was feeling remorse for having betrayed his friend, even if it was only a pretense.
“Soleil, sama.”
Soleil who had lift my upper body in his arms nodded, “Yes.” I thought it was a gentle voice. It felt so, for some reason.
“I’ll take you to a doctor immediately, so…”
He tried to lift me but it didn’t go well and my body once again lay on the ground. “Damn” He clicked his tongue between his bitter smile, something that was very unusual for his normal self. His arm seemed to be considerably injured. He could probably not put any strength in it. Despite this, he was struggling hard in order to hold my body.
“Soleil-sama, Soleil-sama… Let me down. Saion-sama’s acolytes, there might more of them. You have to get, away from here.”
“Alright, I understand. But I can’t leave you behind.”
“… It’s impossible. For the you right now, it is impossible, to take me along.”
I didn’t feel any pain. Neither cold nor warmth. But even then, I was running out of breath.
“Take Silvia to a place far away from here, please. With E-Edward-sama, the both of you, protect that child. As for me… we’ll part here.”
“… Such a thing! I cannot possibly do that!”
“No, you can. … You have to do that.”
“Impossible! I can’t! I can’t… leave you like this….!”
Soleil’s arms wrapped around my back. Then he tried to carry me, but he couldn’t. Why, doing all this after this struggle to the death… with his body full of wounds. Not only Soleil but Edward too could be said to be in the same situation. They should not have any spare energy left. Moreover, Saion’s comrades might appear at any moment. They must leave this place as soon as possible. Everyone understood that, and yet, they didn’t move because of me.
“Soleil-sama, look… please look at me.”
“…”
“It’s already hopeless for me…. Isn’t it?”
As he was crouching down to hug me in his arm, I touched his cheek. His pale skin had no warmth. No, that’s not it. My fingers had lost all sensation. That’s why I couldn’t feel the warmth of his body.
“You have to… make the right assessment of this situation. Because you will, eventually, become a marquis. The things you need to cherish, and those you need to take care of, you must make sure of them… Please, judge, what you ought to do.”
“I can’t, such a thing, there is no way I could do that…”
Soleil who kept repeating “I can’t’” was like a child. I wondered if it was my imagination but the corner of his long and slit eyes appeared to be reddened, as if tears were hanging at their rim. However, my vision was blurred, and I couldn’t see his face clearly. Was he regretting his dying fiancé?
“… Soleil-sama, it’s alright already. I mean, you, do not love me, don’t you?”
“…Ilya.”
“You said you cherished me. But, you do not love me, and I too, I also… that’s right.”
“…”
“I do not, love, you.”
These words I thought I would never say, smoothly overflew along with my breath. Even though I thought I couldn’t say a lie. If it wasn’t for my sake but for his, then I could. These words were said to help him take a decision. “…It’s a lie.” Soleil who whispered that, embraced my shoulders. Maybe he was trying to ascertain something but he stared at my face at a distance close enough for our eyelashes to touch.
He was the same as me when my mother died. And I was in the same situation as my mother at that time.
I remembered how my mother who died once in front of me, had opened her eyes wide at her very last moment. These light green eyes of her had stared fixedly at me. As if she couldn’t close her eyelids. I was the same. I didn’t want to turn away from Soleil’s face for the shortest second even. I was afraid that this face I loved would disappear from my view, even if it was just for a moment. Until my very last instant, I wanted to engrave his face in my eyes. So that even if my life ran out, I wouldn’t forget it. And so, I couldn’t even blink.
… … I wondered if my mother might have felt like this too.
If it was the case. Then there was an inconsistency in the words she left behind. If she had truly not loved me, then it would have been better to quickly close her eyes. She didn’t do that. She eagerly gazed at me. Maybe I couldn’t see the true meaning behind these words because I was so upset. These words that were whispered like a refusal at that time, there true meaning was…
Ah, now, I see. I finally, understood. Mother had surely said that.
“Sorry, Ilya.”
“I, have, never been able to love you,”
“well…”
That was, in other words, the substitute for “I love you.” She might have tried to give me, who had to witness her death, some relief. So, I’ll follow her example. I have to achieve this.
“Soleil-sama. Please go…. Go… You said you cherished me, then, keep your promise…”
“Ilya,”
“Hands, don’t let go. That’s child’s hands, grasp it… protect her…”
My throat was making a whizzing sound. I could no longer speak. Soleil, who was staring into my eyes, strongly closed his eyes. Then he touched the back of my head and my shoulder, and let out one lone sob. Then, he slowly let go of my body.
“… Sister! Big sister.”
Silvia who was held by Edward and probably couldn’t move called me.
“I… I, know… I know everything…!”
Beyond my darkening sight, I heard the voice of my little sister who was stretching her hand toward me. I knew Edward was holding this little body of her, trying to take her away. When I tried to say it was fine like this, I realized my voice wouldn’t come out.
“I always knew! That big sister, in reality, you truly love me!”
My field of vision seemed to be eaten away by darkness. When I looked up, the twilight sky was darkening, as if a hole was spreading out bit by bit. I wondered when the sun had set.
“After all, if it wasn’t the case… if it wasn’t like this… how would you call this…! It’s because you love me right! That’s why you protected me…”
Her voice, was getting distant.
“I know you did that because you loved me! I know you love me, big sister! And so, and so… I also loved you… ”
My crying and shouting little sister. My lovely, little sister. If this is love, very well. Then I’ll call this self-satisfaction love. Being at your side, hugging you, grasping your hand. I was taught that this alone wasn’t love.
… … The ribbon Edward had given me in jail. At that time I thought it wasn’t familiar but… If it’s the me “now,” I knew what was this ribbon.
When I drown in the bathtub and lay down in bed, that child brought me tea leaves. The glass bottle containing it was wrapped in a red ribbon. I thought my little sister must have put it to decorate the bottle. … … Silvia’s belonging brought to me in the prison looked like that ribbon. The Silvia who had been murdered in my first life had… on her way to the theater, or possibly on her way back, she must have bought this ribbon. Maybe, she had even chosen it for me. Although now, I would never know.
The act of only displaying something wishing it would be understood by the other is not love.
Silvia… sorry. I wanted to say I’m sorry but…
It’s already pitch-black. I couldn’t see anything. The real end was drawing near.
I wanted to become someone loved by her parents. I wanted to become like my little sister. I wanted to become a lady befitting of being Soleil’s fiancé. If I got married, I wanted to do the right things as Soleil’s wife, I wanted to carry out justice, I wanted to live without bending my own beliefs. But all these me I wanted to become, I couldn’t achieve even one of them.
It’s not bad. If it’s that kind of life, then surely, it’s not bad. I thought so, and at the moment I guessed was my last, I took a deep breath.
Because I was looking up, the voice fell right onto me.
“Finally, I’ve found you.”
“My princess.”
Nocta’s thoughts:
Aaaaaand goal! End of this arc. Well, I wouldn’t call this ending satisfying though.
The red hair friend was in fact named Edward and wasn’t a traitor. The ribbon was an important props. Ilya died? without too many regrets?
The next arc is entitled, “The Eternity of カリアライア(Kariaraia) Ignis.” It has currently ten chapters, the author writing one roughly every month. The protagonist of the next arc is not Ilya. It’s a man, who said at the very beginning of next chapter that he “lived in a world where magic power and sorcery existed.” I’ll let you guess who he is.
What to do with this カリアライア(Kariaraia) name? Knowing that the “r” and “l” can be interchanged in Japanese, I have to come up with a good name. For a male, I think. We have Ilya, Silvia, what about Kalyaria? Kaliarya? Any other ideas are welcome. I’m terrible at naming.
I might or might not take a one-week break. In any cases, my classes resume tomorrow so I’ll go back to the one chapter/week frequency, release on Sunday.
Until then, enjoy your life!