If this is the real end – 11
In the cafeteria, I said good bye to Soleil and Saion and walked away with Silvia. It was very rare for us to be alone together. In the corridor that wasn’t wide, the students we passed by purposely turned back to confirm our face. I wonder how many times I have heard the words “You don’t look alike” again and again? The fact Silvia was walking half a step behind me seemed to invite the curious glances of our surrounding. When I heard someone whispering “Has she been called out?” I could only smile bitterly. I cannot understand what meaning there could possibly be in summoning my little sister in the academy. If I had something I wanted to say, it was obvious I would talk about it in a discrete place. And the most suitable place for that was nowhere else but our house. I wondered why nobody noticed how foolish it would be to call out Silvia to rebuke her inside the academy.
No, that’s not it. Certainly, up until now, I had been that kind of person. I was that kind of unsightly and disgusting woman devoured by jealously who restrained everyone with a high-pitched voice. Yes, until that day. That day when we had a tea party in the estate’s garden……
“Hm, B-big sister. I’m sorry.”
Hearing Silvia’s quiet apology, I answered, “… What are you apologizing for?” Yet, I didn’t stop walking. “For going to the cafeteria on my own accord…” I endured not bursting into laugher at those words. What are you saying when until now, you have been having launch together with Soleil every day?
“Don’t mind it Silvia. I too, don’t mind it at all.”
I thought that no matter who would see this scene, it would be great if all that could be reflected was the portray of a kind older sister. That’s why I slowly and deliberately made a gentle smile. I smiled brightly, my eyes didn’t contain any hint of animosity, my tone of voice was drop a little low. I didn’t forget my intonation and inflection. Putting some zeal into my fingers, I brushed my little sister’s hairs. “Really?” she asked me as I pat her head like I was comforting a young child. A dearest child. Yes, surely. Surely, I loved my little sister. Seeing Silvia heave a little sigh and smile, for some reason my chest squeezed out painfully for a second. She was trusting me. It wasn’t my imagination. If so, why, why do you betray your older sister you trust so much?
I still remembered the hatred existing in the future that has yet to come. That’s right. Originally, I was such a person. I was an ugly person who couldn’t hide my hatred and resentment.
I felt the silver hairs coiling around my fingers and gently brushed them off. Silvia smiled happily with her eyes closed. I wondered why kind of face I, who was looking down on such a little sister, was making. It would be great if I could act well. If I could act the part of a kind older sister. Of a perfect lady. If I could become a person who loved her family, loved her little sister, a person who wasn’t drowning in jealousy but was wearing a smile like a holy mother.
“Well, Silvia. Class will resume soon. We have to separate here.”
Just after turning at the corner of the corridor, Silvia nodded and answered, “Yes!” then she made a beautiful bow and looked up at my face. I returned a smile to that child who was sticking out her chest in pride. Compared to a few months ago, Silvia had become more similar to what a “noble’s young daughter” should be like. I watched a dainty little back walked away in rhythm then closed my eyes for a brief moment. I wished I would throw away the muddy feelings that were whirling inside my chest.
I remembered the days I educated her to prepare for running away in my past life. I remembered my sister’s ephemeral face as she laughed, confessing, “I, until now, I’ve always felt I was already dead.” She told me she was happy to be able to learn. I remembered her acting faithful to her words, greedily absorbing and understanding everything I taught. I suddenly recalled those days filled with laugher as we browsed through bulky collection of books, sitting side-by-side. Among the many lives I’ve lived, it’s in this one I first cuddled with Silvia. These were happy but irremediably bitter days.
The emptiness of having to throw away my everything, of having to hand it out to my little sister. How can I put it into words?
Even if it could be said I’ve done my best until the point of coughing blood, all those things I had obtained, they hadn’t been of any use. There were only knowledge meant to be passed down to my little sister.
I knew that only knowledge and education would become the things supporting me, so I simply single-mindedly polished myself, and yet, I had never been able to make use of even one of those skills. I recalled a dream I had, where I was travelling with nobles from foreign countries, being considered their equal, while teaching Silvia foreign languages I learnt for diplomacy. As I was Soleil’s wife, I should never be obtrusive and butt in his affairs. But I had persuaded myself I mustn’t become an existence that could only be protected. At least, I thought it would be great if I could be of help to him. For him who wanted a strong woman to be his wife, I did my best to become such a person. And everything I had accumulated every day in this way… I offered it to my little sister. This feeling of emptiness, this bitterness, this resentment, I didn’t know how to express it. I didn’t want to think that all the time I spent had been in vain. That’s why I handed over everything and anything I had to my little sister.
“You are an idiot. A really foolish idiot.”
As I was about to go down the staircase, suddenly a voice resounded inside my ears. It was an unfamiliar voice I didn’t recognize. When, who, what were these words for? They weren’t said in this life. I understood that. As I was searching through my memories, my tiptoes were stuck on the step and I stumbled. Ah! When I realized it was already too late.
… … I’m falling!
I extended my left hand to support me but it missed the handrail and grabbed empty air instead. My heart beat strongly once then stopped making noise. But, at that moment.
“Look out!”
Someone grabbed my arms from behind. I was stopped at the middle of the stairs, my back leaning on someone. Half of my legs were stretched out in an unsightly appearance. “… I, I’m sorry.” I put my hands on my chest, trying to push back my violent heart that was beating loudly. But now was not the time to be feeling relieved. Since I knew from the voice I heard earlier that the person supporting me was a man, I promptly looked around. While I heaved a relieved sigh because nobody had seen us, I put a hand on the arm wrapped around my stomach that was supporting me.
“… I am fine now. I deeply apology for the trouble I caused you.”
I was aware it was a bit rude of me but it wouldn’t be could to be seen in this posture by someone. I twisted my body and gently separated. I slowly went down two steps, then when I turned around to bow and present my thanks once again, the person who was here was unexpectedly him.
“Eh?... You’re Soleil’s…”
While I had become petrified in the middle of lowering my head, he whispered that without trying to hide his surprise. A familiar head of reddish brown hairs. Someone who had been a friend of Soleil for a long time. … Yes, I certainly knew this face well. He was always beside Soleil in the academy. Even after graduation, he was a person who would belong to the same knight group as him and become his partner. As Soleil’s fiancé and after I had become his wife, I’ve meet this person any number of times but in my remaining memories, I didn’t recall having a conversation with him even once. He was always gazing at me as if he was observing me. Looking at me with a gaze that was never friendly, seemingly wanting to say something. However, he had never said anything.
“…”
“…”
We stared at each other silently. Fortunately, class had started again, so there was no presence nor any sign someone would come over here. His reddish hairs that were gently fluttering were kind of nostalgic for some reason, they reminded me of the numerous lives which had already ended. I hadn’t had much involvement with the person who was currently so close I could touch him. It was so in all my lives so far. This was surely because he himself didn’t have a good opinion of me. However, I thought that he had developed friendly relations with Silvia. As a friend of Soleil to the last.
… … Oh, that’s right. It happened on the day of my wedding with Soleil. Although he hadn’t given me the slightest word of compliment, he was the person who had greatly praised Silvia. I thought he did it instead of Soleil, who couldn’t compliment Silvia in front of the bride. To that child who was wearing a beautiful flower ornament in her silver hairs, he said, “You look like a princess” In front of my eyes, he declared so without the slightest bit of reservation. I bet he wasn’t even aware that it hurt me. For him it was only a banal compliment, a normal event not worth mentioning.
“… I am truly grateful for your help.”
Since we were simply single-mindedly staring at each other, no progress was made. Making a weak smile, I lowered my head. I thought it would be fine if it looked like I was feeling bashful. When I tried to turn away and leave before being told anything, he called out to me, “Wwait please.” His voice echoed in the empty staircase were it’s only the two of us. Because of it, I certainly couldn’t pretend not having heard him. When I exhorted my wavering heart and looked over my shoulder,
“Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”
I was taken aback by the words I hadn’t expected. His expression really seemed like he was truly concerned about me. … … But it shouldn’t have been the case. “No, I am fine.” Although I tried to deny it while shaking my head, now that someone else had pointed it out I realized I was truly feeling bad. It seemed my breath was hot like I had a fever. The corner of my vision started becoming vaguely fuzzy and just as I narrowed my eyes, the world lost its colors. As if a curtain was closing, the darkness slowly came.
“You’re so pitiful, even though you’ve been reduced to this state, you’re still believing in Soleil, aren’t you?”
I was seeing a hallucination. I knew it, so I blinked a few times but instead of driving away the darkness, I saw iron rods lined up vertically at regular intervals. At that moment, damp air covered the surroundings. The heavy air obstructed my throat. Cracked stone walls, a floor covered in mold and slime, the stench of something unknown. In the distance someone was groaning, the sound of metal behind beaten with who know what echoed in my ears. One after the other the stinking smell and that scene were being revived. I remembered everything.
Ah, I see, it’s the prison.
When I rose up my line of sight absent-mindedly, on the other side of the iron bars, someone is standing here, looking down on me. That man was looking at me who was collapsed on the floor, staring at me fixedly.
“This guy won’t come. It’s a pity, but he truly, won’t come.”
… … This, was a memory of my first life.
“I’m sorry for you but it’s the reality, you know?”
The words he fired as if he wanted to persuade me, kept falling as if they were stones being thrown at me. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. It hurt as if my skin was torn apart. Even without anyone having to do anything specifically, I will die soon. That’s how hard the blow I took was, that’s how much I had been injured. And yet, why was he specifically trying to stab me with a finishing blow?
“It’s stupid. You’re truly a fool. … You can try struggling and denying it all you want, but no one can reverse fate.”
In the jail were light wouldn’t reach, his hair which should have been of a shining reddish brown like a polished coper coin appeared very dull. I no longer understood what kind of emotions were dwelling inside his eyes. My voice wouldn’t come out and my consciousness was muddy. Even I understood my end was approaching. That’s why I had wished to meet “him” on my last moments. He had… Soleil had turned away from me and left without looking back even once. He kept ignoring the crying voice of his wife. I remembered this scene, his leaving back, my extended fingers that couldn’t reach it.
“He and she, met by fate. No, their meeting was unfortunately predestined. Your will had nothing to do in this. It’s called ‘destiny’ precisely because one can never fight against it.”
That’s why, every thing you did, was in vain.
The voice that announced this, might have sounded like it was overflowing with pity. Even while I thought we hadn’t met much, he specifically came to see me who was restrained in this jail. Besides, I really must have been a fool since I was trying to notice a special meaning in his words. “You’d better give up and die.” Soon after I pondered over his words thrown out in a whisper, my consciousness was cut. Was I merely fainting, or rather, did I…
… just like his words, did I die?
“… Ilysama?”
Before I realized, the young man was peering into my face, at a distance close enough for our breach to touch. The present was like this. It wasn’t that jail. The him who had reached adulthood wasn’t here. Although my shivering lips tried to form some words, they stayed stuck into my throat and only a faint breath could pass. It seemed like I would tumble down if I tried to force them out, it was a sensation as if the blood in my whole body would come out.
I am scared.
I was very clearly aware of this fact. Why did he appear in front of me now? I would surely have been glad if he had done so in my previous life, or the one before. But, he never involved himself with me even once. An exception only happened once. And it was our chance meeting in that prison. That only happened in my very first life. I didn’t remember my last moments. It should have been the case and yet, today in that instant I recalled that dreadful moment terribly clearly.
Something has started to change. I felt it.
As we were facing each other our gazes entangled. “Are you really alright? Your face is completely white…” Just before his stretched-out fingers gently touched my cheek, I retreated back one, two steps back. In all my lives until now, I never had once such contact. The heel of my swaying and trembling right foot slipped.
At that time in my first life, the person who told me, “You’d better give up and die” was laughing.
“Ilysama?”
It seemed like I was about to fall down but I barely managed not to. Unable to look straight at his face, I left that place. While my whole body was quivering in chills I couldn’t shake out, the past I had wanted to completely forget spread on this side of the real world.
As he was laughing, tears were falling down. Then, he said it.
“I’m sorry.” He said.
Nocta’s thoughts:
I’m baaaaack, and we are developing the infamous Soleil’s Friend A! I bet not many people will like him.
For your information, I’m leaving Japan this Monday, I’ll “enjoy” a nice 40h trip home (aaaaaaaaaaaa) then once I’ve rested, I’ll be freer to translate. For August I plan to translate more, but I won’t have a fixed agenda. The minimum will still be a chapter a week, but maybe I’ll make 2 or 3 a week. Let’s enjoy Ilya’s suffering together! It’s only the beginning ^^