I was rendered speechless. If this was all true, then I had treated Pyeii with serious cruelty. From the time we met to now. Even if wasn’t on purpose, my ignorance didn’t change that fact.
[It’s okay. There was no way you could’ve known. I know you didn’t mean to remind me of the past.]
She comforted me. The kid who needed comforting instead comforted me. Pressure built inside my chest, when Pyeii wrote:
[But ever since then, I couldn’t stand even the thought of talking with strangers. Because written words make it easier to hide your true feelings.]
Pyeii unabashedly continued to write.
[I don’t trust anyone. The only one I can trust is Chii. Chii, my only friend.]
Now I understood.
[But then Chii changed. She changed, but I stayed the same.]
This was why Pyeii wanted to change.
[I was scared. Terrified. Scared that Chii was slowly changing. Scared that one day, Chii would leave me and not look back.]
Chii, who learned to be a bit more honest and trust others. Who had become a truly strong person. What must Pyeii have thought, after seeing Chii like that? After seeing someone who meant more to her than anyone else change.
“So you were afraid that Chii would end up like those kids from the….”
[No.]
Pyeii disagreed.
[Chii would never do something like that.]
Yeah. Chii’s a good kid. A strong kid. She would never do something so mean to Pyeii.
“I just…want to change so that Chii will always like me, so that she’ll always want to be with me.”
[I was afraid that she would be disappointed when she realized I hadn’t grown at all. That’s why this is the only option I have left.]
Tears fell from my eyes the moment I heard those words and read those letters. My eyes burned when she revealed my worst fears to be true. I was mistaken all along. Pyeii wasn’t trying to change because she wanted to. She wasn’t trying to grow because she wanted to. She didn’t hate the place she was in—she was so terrified after seeing how far ahead Chii was, that she forced herself to limp after her friend. Even with the pain of her past. Even with those unhealed scars still fresh in her mind.
I couldn’t stop my tears from falling when I realized that every single thing I’d done had only opened those wounds. That’s why Pyeii always behaved like an introvert. She tried to make friends through the Phantomnet. She didn’t want to go outside. She didn’t try to get along with Narae. All she wanted was to play her favorite video games with me. She didn’t even want to change the little things like her picky eating. She changed the layout of the house to one she wanted. She didn’t want to change the way she dressed.
I noticed all of these details with my own two eyes. But I didn’t see a thing.
This was the second time.
If I had bothered to use my head even a little more and took in the the truth of all that was happening, then I could have avoided all of this. But I judged everything based on appearances alone. That was my mistake. That same mistake. I was drowning in regret, and I swore that nothing like what happened with Rangii and Chii would happen again. And I made that exact same mistake again. A part of me died, when I realized this harrowing fact.
[Don’t cry. It’s not your fault.]
Pyeii pushed me back, and she straddled my now supine body. There were teardrops staining the white part of her dress. Pyeii cradled me to her as she said:
“Sorry. Sorry that you’re in pain because of me.”
You’re the one in pain. I wanted to say this to her.
“But the pain only lasts for a moment. You’ll feel good really soon.”
I wanted to tell her that she was sorely mistaken. If I let Pyeii do what she wanted, then she really would ravage me. But…I couldn’t find it in me to stop her. Because it was my fault that Pyeii was doing this. Which meant I had to take responsibility. Even if it was like this, I had to take responsibility.
Right then. Even after I resigned myself to passively accepting everything Pyeii would do, I suddenly remembered what Narae told me.
“Sunghoon. Everyone makes mistakes. Even I’m occasionally known to make them. The important thing is what you do after you make a mistake. Got it?”
And how did I respond? That’s right. I nodded. I told her I understood. It’s true. This is all happening because of my mistake. If I hadn’t kept sticking my nose in her business, then things might have ended up differently. Which means I have to take responsibility. But that isn’t all.
Would this really be taking responsibility? Or would I be avoiding it? Am I just taking the easy way out? Can I really say that these thoughts haven’t crossed my mind?
I can’t.
Letting Pyeii become an adult like this wouldn’t change a thing. Nothing would change. She wouldn’t grow. Pyeii would become an adult, but she’d still be carrying those same scars. Exactly. Maybe, because of her sudden transformation into an adult, she fooled herself into thinking that everything about her had changed. But how long will that last? A month? A year? A decade? I have no idea how long a phantom’s lifespan is, but how much weight would this decision have on her? And what about the time after that? Am I seriously going to do this and avoid my responsibility to Pyeii? That would make me human trash. Absolute scum. My head would really be just for show.
But most of all, I can’t cheat on them.
Sorry. I’m sorry. I know talking about this really doesn’t fit the gravity of the situation I’m in, and I’m sorry about that. But there’s a human and a phantom I love more than life itself. And, as ironic as this sounds, they would rather I die than even think about cheating on them. Narae already made this point blatantly clear to me, and Rangii’s parting words to me were literally on this topic.
That doesn’t mean I’m going to avoid my responsibility. I need to take responsibility for Pyeii. But this isn’t the way. Isn’t there some other option?
There is. I already knew that. My aunt, who helped me grow, and I, who helped Chii grow. Just like those times, taking small steps forward is the best way to change. But would my words even get through to Pyeii, the way she is right now? I doubt it. If I told her that, then I’d be telling her that she was mistaken, that she didn’t have a choice but to walk the proper path towards adulthood. But I can’t tell her that. It wouldn’t do either of us any good. Which means there was only one thing for me to do.
I held Pyeii’s hands as they slid towards my belt and lifted them up. Pyeii’s eyes widened in surprise, and she stared at me.
[攻?]
I had no idea what that particular Chinese glyph meant, but I doubted it was anything good. (tn: My knowledge of Chinese is equally horrible. It means ‘attack,’ so I assume it means she thinks Sunghoon is going to go on the offensive.)
“This is wrong.”
[What do you mean?]
“This is my fault. I know that. But I don’t want to take responsibility like this.”
Pyeii spun her twintails and wrote:
[…Is that what you thought? You’re mistaken. You did nothing wrong. It’s okay.]
I’m sorry. But after all the foolish things I’ve done, I can’t agree with that. If I had thought more, if I had tried to understand her, then I would never have done something so awful to her.
“No, this is my fault.”
I wrapped my arms around Pyeii and hugged her. I was now able to feel Pyeii’s ample breasts pressing against me. If I’m being honest, it felt amazing.
“That’s why I’m going to take responsibility.”
“Then stay still. You’re a virgin, so it’ll be over in a flash.”
She was making jokes even in a time like this. I decided to respond in kind.
“That just means I can go a lot of rounds.”
“Pervert, disgusting, ero, go die.”
C’mon, now. What happened to the equality of the sexes stuff she mentioned before? I chuckled. That helped me find my mental second wind. I used some of that newfound energy to pat Pyeii on the head.
“Pyeii.”
I spoke before Pyeii could write anything.
“You can stay the way you are.”
I admire people who work hard to get what they want. But this clearly wasn’t right. Pyeii’s reason for wanting to become an adult and her method were both flawed. But, most of all, I knew that this wasn’t what Pyeii truly wanted.
Pyeii’s wish was simple. She wanted Chii to always be with her. That was why she wanted to become an adult, and why she was willing to go to such extremes. But isn’t it almost laughable?
How could Chii, who spent 400 years caring for her sickly parents, who was willing to sacrifice her own life for theirs, be disappointed in Pyeii over something like this? And, of all things, leave Pyeii altogether?
After putting it like this, Pyeii’s worries seem pretty ridiculous, don’t they? Exactly. This whole series of events started for a ridiculous reason. Rationally speaking, Pyeii’s thinking didn’t make sense at all. If I didn’t already know the extent of Pyeii’s suffering, then I would have lost my temper and yelled at her. But Pyeii’s memories of that traumatic event were so vivid that she was able to create crystal-clear images for me to see. To Pyeii, those events from who knows how long ago were as fresh in her mind as if they happened yesterday. The only one who gave Pyeii comfort in her time of suffering was Chii. That was why the fear that Chii would leave her grew and grew until it consumed her every thought.
That was why I was going to tell her what an idiot she was being.
“Just think about it. Do you really think Chii would ever throw you away?”
Pyeii began to tremble.
“Tell me, Pyeii.”
Pyeii hugged her arms around herself and spoke.
“I have no idea. No idea if Chii will laugh at me like those kids.”
“That’s a lie,” I said.
“It’s not.”
“You should know better than me.”
Because if she seriously thought that, then she wouldn’t be trying so hard for a lost cause.
There’s an old saying: hoisted by one’s own petard. It means to be caught in a trap of one’s own making. I know it’s weird to suddenly bring up a proverb, but the phrase always stuck in my mind because it sounded especially erotic. Unexpected Shakespeare aside, the saying fit Pyeii’s situation pretty well. She likely already knew: Chii would never do something like that. But her horrible trauma made her terrified. Because the clarity of her memories also acted as proof of how much she enjoyed the time she played with those kids. It was the fear of the one-in-million chance that Chii would leave her that chained to her leg. A princess caught in a string of contradictory curses.
“It’s not a lie,” said Pyeii.
“It is.”
“No, it isn’t!!”
Pyeii pushed me away and stood up. Her face was bright red, and there was a smoky exclamation clenched in her hand.
“It would only take a second for Chii to decide to leave! So how would you know?!”
“I know there’re lots of things I don’t know, but that’s one thing that I know for a fact.”
Because her actions told me everything.
[Stop trying to trick me!]
Pyeii swung downward with the exclamation point. I instinctively raised my hand to block it. Thanks to Rangii’s tooth, it didn’t hurt very…no, it was different. Different from normal. The agonizing pain coming from my hand left me with no room to think. Pyeii was taken aback when her exclamation point went farther than it should have, and she turned her hand. Which caused it to slide across my head. Unfortunately, even that small motion was enough to slice my head open and break the bones in my hand.
[…What?]
I didn’t even have the time to look at Pyeii’s perplexed face when I put my hand to my chest. It was gone. Rangii’s tooth, the thing that protected me all this time, had disappeared without a trace. I remembered what Rangii told me back at Jirisan. Geez, why now of all times? I didn’t regret stopping Rangii, but I did wish I stopped Pyeii from using those exclamation points as weapons against me.
[are you okay?]
I wasn’t okay. I was in immense pain, and I felt my shattered right hand swelling. But before I could pay any attention to the pain, I had to reassure the terrified, now child-form Pyeii that everything was okay.
“It’s just a scratch.”
Pyeii’s face was white as a ghost, which told me that I was doing a horrible job hiding the pain from showing on my face. Maybe the blood pouring down my cheek had something to do with it.
[Wh-wh-where are you going?]
Don’t let her know it hurts. School my expression. I can’t help but feel this is slowly becoming my specialty. No matter how much it hurts, I need to stay calm. Stay calm by thinking of Rangii’s thighs and Narae’s breasts and Chii’s panties.
Was it because of my stupid thoughts? I was then made to pay for my sins in full. Because the genuine article appeared.
“What are you two doing up here?”
I looked up to see blue-and-white striped panties in the sky. It was Chii. Why now? At this point, I was latching onto any topic that would keep my mind from focusing on the pain.
[How’re you done already?]
Pyeii was at a loss as she watched Chii fly down. The same was true of me. Chii didn’t yet know what had happened.
“Narae-unni said she would take care of everything, so I left first…B-Big Brother?!”
So this is why Narae told me to take good care of Chii and Pyeii. And Chii seemed to have realized the state I was in.
“Y-y-y-y-you’re head’s bleeding!!”
Pyeii turned deathly pale as she watched Chii flap her hair and stutter horrendously. I desperately wanted to hug her, rub her cheek, and tell her everything was okay, but my wounds wouldn’t let me.
Because of the pain, all my thoughts were starting to become hazy. But I didn’t have time for that. I need to explain everything before Pyeii can say anything to….
[W-wait. No, Ch-Chii. This isn’t my fault. It’s not.]
I was too late. She might as well have put up a sign saying she did this.
“Pyeii! What have you done to Big Brother?!!” (tn: Chii used the more colloquial term, oppa, rather than her usual oraboni, a more archaic term. Take that as you will.)
Chii’s anger shocked Pyeii. She was so shocked that she could neither open her mouth nor write a single word. I should have told them both that everything was okay, but the truth was that I was in no state to do so. I was now being bombarded by nausea. I felt like I’d throw up the second I opened my mouth. I know. This is a textbook example of a concussion.
[No, I just….]
Pyeii flailed about, trying to think of an excuse, but that was a mistake. Because Chii also had scars that had yet to heal. She couldn’t stand the sight of me getting hurt.
“Are you making an excuse even now? It’s obvious that Big Brother was hurt because of you! You should be apologizing!”
Chii’s razor-sharp rebuke made Pyeii panic even more.
[Why are you getting so mad? Chii, I was your friend first. You’ve only known that human for a few days. Why are you only getting mad? Listen to my side of the story.]
Normally, Chii would have easily laughed off Pyeii’s childish words, but our current situation wasn’t so forgiving. There was blood dripping from my head. Even the smallest cut on one’s head should be enough to cause alarm in anyone. So, it should be obvious that Chii was beyond furious. Riled up in genuine anger, Chii raised not just the hair above her ears but her ponytail as she shouted:
“Are you being serious?! Big Brother is hurt! Because of you! And you’re seriously going to say that?! I never knew you were like that! You idiot! Moron! I never want to see you again!”
My already aching head began to hurt even more. Geez, Chii. I knew she was getting mad for my sake, but did she really have to go so far? Pyeii’s eyes were glazed over as she looked at Chii, the light in them extinguished by Chii’s words, and she took several shaky steps backwards. However, Pyeii responded with words so full of acrimonious emotions that even I had trouble looking at them.
[I hate you too! Chii, you idiot! Moron! Mongrel! You won’t listen to me, either! Just like them! I always knew this would happen! I don’t need you!]
Chii realized that she’d been so preoccupied worrying about me that she hadn’t noticed that Pyeii was acting different from normal. The seriousness of Pyeii’s expression surprised Chii. Dammit.
[I hate you, Chii! And I hate you, too! I hate you both!]
She held in her tears with all her willpower, and she bit her lip hard.
[So don’t worry about me again! You won’t have to help me! Because I’m going to go away! You’ll never have to see me again!]
Chii wasn’t stupid enough to actually believe what Pyeii said. However, regardless of her understanding, all that mattered to her right now was the fact that Pyeii hurt me. That was why she simply stood and watched as Pyeii turned around.
Pyeii likely knew as well. That, in her anger and confusion and raised temper, she was saying things she didn’t really mean. Even though Pyeii knew she would regret these words later, she let her emotions take charge and didn’t take back what she said. How did I know this? Because I saw something. A single sentence behind Pyeii’s back.
[Don’t let me go.]
I had no idea if Pyeii really wrote that, or if I was hallucinating. But what did that matter? That was what I saw. The message I needed to stop from making another mistake. So what did it matter if my head was wailing or I was about to throw up or my hand hurt?
I moved. Even as nausea threatened to overtake me and I scrunched my eye because blood got in it, I stood up. I ran forward and grabbed Pyeii’s hand. That was all I needed to do. If I could keep Pyeii from running away and got the two of them to have a heart-to-heart, then everything would get better with time.
As long as I held on.
Pyeii is a crow phantom. So it wasn’t a surprise that Pyeii transformed her arms into bird wings and flapped towards the sky. I was running out of time. She was still within my reach, but any longer and it would be too late. But my sluggish body refused to respond.
I was too late again.
That unforgettable memory surged into the forefront of my brain. That memory and what was happening right now overlapped.
‘You need to be happy.”
‘Because I’m going to go away!’
“Don’t you screw with meeee!”
I moved at a speed impossible for a human and grabbed Pyeii’s ankle with my broken right hand. Though, I have no idea how I was able to grab anything with my broken hand. But what does that matter?! I grabbed Pyeii! Even though I was about to black out from the pain! The pain turned into annoyance then rage, and I shouted with that newfound rage fueling my voice.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going, you crow chick?!!”
I wasn’t hitting on her. After all, since she’s a crow phantom, calling her a crow chick is perfectly accurate. Pyeii fell from mid-air and landed ass over teakettle on the rooftop.
[Ow?!]
“Kyawooo?!”
I turned Pyeii around, so that she was facing up. She gingerly rubbed her now bright-red nose with both hands. Adorable. I climbed on top of Pyeii to keep that adorable face from running away, pressing my knees against her wings.
[That hurts!]
Was that really for her to say, when there was blood pouring from half my face, and my hand was dangling limply in its socket?
“I’m the one in pain here! So what’re you gonna do about it?!”
My shout caused both Pyeii and Chii to flinch. Maybe bird phantoms are weak to loud noises? No, it was more likely that they were just scared of me. …That was understandable. If someone with blood covering half his face yelled at me like a madman, then I’d be scared, too. Blood dripped down my chin to land on Pyeii’s red lips. I wiped off the blood from her lips with my left hand and said:
“After doing this to someone, what were you going to do? Disappear? You damn brat! Weren’t you listening to me?”
I looked straight into Pyeii’s eyes as I spoke.
“I told you you can stay the way you are! I wasn’t lying! But what do you think you’re doing, running away and ignoring me entirely just because Chii said something mean? Do you think I’m just some punching bag? Did you think you could do whatever you wanted, just because I’ve been nice to you? Is that it?!”
Here, there be a high schooler yelling at a little kid because he was ignored.
[I-I said I couldn’t trust you! How can I believe anything you say?!]
She still wasn’t really hearing what I was saying.
“When did I ask you to trust me?!”
[…What?]
I spoke truthfully and earnestly to Pyeii, who stared confusedly at me.
“All I did was tell you you’re fine! I couldn’t care less whether you trust me or not. Go ahead and live your carefree life with your oh-so-beloved Chii. I don’t like it when you bully me, but I’ll endure it. I actually enjoy our little back-and-forth arguments, so go ahead. If you’ll keep refusing to eat anything except bread in the morning, then I’ll keep buying it for you. So, like I said! Just stay here with Chii and me, you little brat!!”
Pyeii, stunned into silence by my words, was just barely able to write a response.
[But Chii said….]
Of course. I got caught up in the moment and forgot until now, but that was the real problem.
“You’re bring up Chii again?!”
But I had a thought.
“Fine!” I said.
I focused my gaze on Chii. Chii flinched and flapped the hair above her ears.
“Hey.”
“awoo?”
“You came here because you were grateful to me, right?”
“Th-that’s right, Big Brother.”
“Then, to repay your debt, swear to me on your name blessed upon you by heaven. You said you’d do anything I asked, so do it.”
“Kyawoooo?!”
Why would this cause her to blush?
“B-but, Big Brother. That’s asking for too….”
“Do it.”
“Kyawooo!”
“Right now!!”
“I-I understand.”
Chii covered her face with her hand and spoke.
“I swear upon my name, Y-Yeolli, the one blessed upon me by heaven.”
What a pretty name. That was genuinely how I felt.
“Then, Yeolli.”
Chii blushed red all the way to the tips of her ears and couldn’t give a coherent reply.
“Kyawoooo….”
“Speak to me honestly. Absolutely no lying.”
She looked at me, her face making clear she had no idea why I was asking this of her, and she said in response:
“I will, Big Brother.”
“Are you mad at Pyeii?”
“I am.”
“And you were about to let Pyeii go without trying to stop her, right?”
Chii had to struggle to answer my question.
“…That is correct.”
Pyeii wrote something, and I kindly closed my eyes in response.
“Does that mean you were going to live the rest of your life pretending Pyeii didn’t exist?”
“Not at all!”
Chii looked at me angrily. I saw Pyeii’s surprised expression as well.
“Pyeii is my precious friend! A friend I couldn’t live without! I would never throw Pyeii away over something like this! I can’t help but get mad after being asked this, even by you, Big Brother!”
“Do you mean that?”
“I swear it on my name!”
I looked again at Pyeii. Tears formed at the corners of Pyeii’s eyes as I looked down and said to her:
“Did you hear that? That’s how Chii really feels.”
[……]
“I know that, to you phantoms, your names are more important than your lives. But if you still want to become an adult like you said, then….”
This was the extent of what I could do in the state I was in. So what happens next? What follows this conversation is entirely up to Pyeii and Chii. I should have them drink themselves into drunken stupors and have a real heart-to-heart chat. Imagining the two of them blind drunk made me burst out in laughter.
“Haha, even after all this, if you still have your heart set on becoming an adult, I’ll turn you into one. Is that fine?”
[…You shouldn’t be asking me.]
“I was just kidding.”
Seriously, Narae and Rangii would kill me.
“From here, it’s your job to speak. And Chii’s, too. You two come to terms together.”
I got off of Pyeii and collapsed on the ground. My head hurt as much as ever, I felt horribly nauseous, and my right hand felt like it was on fire.
After I moved, Pyeii stood up and walked towards Chii.
Chii, who wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, and Pyeii, who felt awkward because of her overreaction earlier, looked at each other, but it was Pyeii who broke the silence. Pyeii spun her twintails and suddenly hugged Chii.
[I’m sorry, Chii. So sorry. My fault. Didn’t mean what I said. Chii, I love you. I can’t live without you.]
…I felt embarrassed just watching. Pyeii gave this confession while on the verge of tears, and Chii flapped her hair and answered.
“Awooo, it’s okay. I let my temper get the best of me, and I’m sorry. Let’s keep being friends.”
Thank goodness. The two seemed to have made up, the worries Pyeii held deep in her heart now laid to rest. Geez. That aside, they were a sight for sore eyes. What was so great about it, you ask? Because, from the way Chii and Pyeii were hugging each other so tightly, I got to see their already attractive breasts push against each other.