Published at 21st of November 2020 06:12:34 PM
Chapter 100: 100
“You’re so heartless…”
Evelyn’s brain suddenly stopped . She couldn’t tolerate his sudden tears, nor did his words called her heartless . All this time, it was Fabian who was heartless . It should be . But he already looked exhausted .
“I… I didn’t want to make you suffer . ” Fabian spoke in hushed tones at Evelyn, who didn’t budge .
“When I proposed to you, I knew you were hesitating . Even the Felice Kingdom…… gave a sceptical response . So did the Empire, and so did everyone . ” said Fabian .
“Your wife, the Empress, wasn’t happy . My mother used to say that, too . I knew everything about it, but I still wanted to marry you, so I stopped being greedy . So I wanted to make up for my selfishness a little bit . ” This was the first time he had spoken long-winded .
“What do you mean…?” Evelyn felt confused .
“I hoped you didn’t get tired of taking care of meaningless works in the Empress Palace . I didn’t want you to waste your mind and body mingling with the hypocrite nobles . I was afraid that such extravagant work would make you tired and unhappy . ”
Evelyn blinked her eyes, “Why you never said that…… . ”
“My mother always said it’s all boring and horrible, and of course I knew you would think the same way……because you didn’t ask me, so, I thought I was doing the right thing . ”
She scared . Evelyn didn’t want to hear it in person if Fabian regarded her as an incompetent Empress or if he didn’t expect anything from her .
“Even so, why? Why did you only show your sleeping face? Your Majesty didn’t give me anything else, so how could you know I didn’t like it? I wanted to wait for you . ” Her innermost voice that had been buried deep inside Evelyn’s heart burst out .
“For me, who came from faraway Kingdom to the Empire to get married …… what else was there besides waiting for Your Majesty? That was my only joy . I wanted to welcome you with a smile every time you came, and as a wife, I would like to send you off every morning with a bright appearance . All couples …… isn’t it like that?” she cried .
“Doing things like that …… Isn’t that what we call marriage?” Evelyn believed that marriage was like that . So, she was willing to take Fabian’s hand . The reason she decided to leave the Felice Kingdom that she loved so much was that she wanted to spend her life with Fabian as his wife .
“…… . . You were sick . ” Fabian abruptly spat out a clumsy remark . “When the parliament was in the midst of a row over the territorial line issue in the north . ”
Evelyn couldn’t remember about that time exactly . Still, Fabian clearly said, “I had to look at the astrological stars and go to bed and go out to see morning stars again . ”
Even so, Fabian insisted on staying in the Empress Palace . Even if his sleeping hours were reduced, he wanted to be with Evelyn, because they were a couple .
“Then, in less than a week, I had to hear that you collapsed in the garden while I was holding the congress . ”
Only then did Evelyn recall the incident . It wasn’t a big deal, so she had forgotten about it . Doctors said she had mild anemia, a congenital disease that she occasionally had since she was a child .
“At that time, for the first time after ascending the throne, I felt helpless . Even though you weren’t far away, even though I could run straight to your place, I couldn’t stop congress . Because my soldiers were risking their lives to protect the northern region . “
The day’s events weren’t recorded anywhere . Because Fabian didn’t exaggerate it . Even more so, considering Evelyn was weak, Fabian tried to keep Evelyn away from Empire affairs . He didn’t want to trouble and made Evelyn stressful because she was his wife .
“You had anemia and fatigue seven times that year . ” Fabian kept talking .
Evelyn didn’t remember, because she never counted the number of times she’d passed out . After all, it was just a trivial matter .
“When you passed out for the second time, I told you not to wait for me at night anymore . There was no other choice . Every time I heard news like that, I felt terrible …… and I couldn’t focus on my official duties . “
He still recalled it, a disastrous feeling first appeared in his mind . For Fabian, who was born as a Prince and grew stronger than anyone, It was incomprehensible to him .
On the contrary, it was a common occurrence for Evelyn, who had a weak body since childhood . The two of them were so different .
“One day . ” Fabian’s low voice rang out . “The palace chief told me that you had a nosebleed . Those were the days when you waited for me every night . That was the time when I went to see the morning star every day . ” Fabian’s voice became emotional .
“I …… what am I supposed to do then? I really didn’t know . I swear, there’s never been a moment, when I thought of pushing you away . ”
Tuk… . . Evelyn felt something was falling into her heart . It was as if a new sprout had grown, and grief slowly dropped into her heart like a flower bud .
“No …… Why should I push you away?” Fabian’s hands that were hugging her body felt hot . “But,… I was forcibly taking you . Because of my greed and selfishness, I proposed to you . ”
One of the most difficult things for Fabian to understand so far was Evelyn’s reason for divorce .
She always called him a heartless and uncaring person . Whereas the opposite happened, he was still thinking about Evelyn . He never left her far from his heart . Fabian would have let Evelyn go if he could .
“I had known from the beginning . From the moment I first saw you . I thought you were too free and bright to be locked up in the Imperial Palace . But I couldn’t take my eyes off you . Your bright smile, your lively gestures, even your sweet voice . ”
What Fabian was concerned about when he got married, wasn’t the opposition of others . He was worried about Evelyn’s future, which she had to live as an Empress because of him . His conscience felt guilty . Maybe that was Fabian’s first mistake in their marriage .
“I am the Emperor . I was born that way . It won’t change until the day I die . “
The Emperor’s life in this Empire was all the same . He, who became the Emperor, had to be strong and unshakable . He couldn’t be a man, a someone, or a husband . The Emperor was only the Emperor . He couldn’t be someone else .
“But the pain belongs to me . It’s mine . Never, I can’t pass it to you . I made a vow to myself before I proposed to you . I won’t make you unhappy because I’m the Emperor . ”
Fabian’s mind wasn’t wrong . But why did they become so far away?
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“Why… . ? If you told me that, then… … we might not have come this far . ” Evelyn said hoarsely .
“But if I told you, you would be sad . For me… . ”
“……yes . ”
“I hated it . Looking back, maybe it was my childish pride . ” he stuttered .
Evelyn shook her head . It was Fabian’s sincerity that made his fate harsher . A man who couldn’t just hate someone . Now he looked so pathetic and broke her heart .
“I just didn’t want to burden you with the Empress’ things . ” Fabian didn’t regret it . Even if he went back to the past, he didn’t know any other way . It was the best thing for her .
“But we couldn’t even become a couple . ” Evelyn spat out a bitter word .
“For me, it’s a couple . I’ve always wanted to . ” Fabian sighed shortly . Then he smiled a little . “There’s something that I should never have done… . ”
“Your Majesty?”
“Well, I broke my oath at the crowning ceremony . ”
Evelyn’s eyes widened as Fabian wouldn’t do such a thing .
“Evelyn, in front of you…… sometimes I tried to forget that I’m an Emperor . ” Fabian looked very tired when he said those words .
It was a strange thing . In this world, no one really worried about him even though it was evident that no one could replace his role for a week .
“When I saw you sleeping next to me, I could erase my fate at that moment . ”
Fabian was born as a strong man with the Emperor’s fate, and a nobleman . He was utterly different from ordinary people . Even Evelyn had the same mind as others . She never thought that Fabian was in distress . He was always relaxed and had the Emperor’s dignity .
“At that time, I could only feel that I was the husband of a woman . Perhaps, if there were any happy times in my life, it would be a moment like that ……I guess . ” His voice sounded really serene . But it scratched Evelyn’s heart violently .
“Don’t” Fabian looked at Evelyn with sad eyes . “Don’t make such a face . I didn’t mean to make you like this . ”
At one point, Evelyn’s eyes were red .
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“I’m sorry . ” Fabian apologized to her quickly, “I was just trying to explain……Just forget it . ”
Fabian didn’t want to see Evelyn cried again . He was regretting that he had brought up some useless words . He would instead remain as an indifferent man, but his heart felt heavy because it seemed that he had hurt Evelyn in the past .
“Ha…… . ” A deep sigh soaked Fabian’s lips after Evelyn started to shed a tear .
“Please don’t cry… . ” Fabian held Evelyn in one arm, and he wiped her tears with his other hand . Evelyn managed to hold back her tears which trying to come out more .
“Just ignore what I said . I’m a heartless and bad person . ”
“How can I forget what I’ve already heard?” Evelyn sobbed and bit her lips hard .
“Then my heart hurts because I feel like I’ve made you cry again . ”
“It’s the same with me . ” Evelyn didn’t hide her eyes this time, “Your Majesty, you also shed tears earlier . ”
“I never did that . ” Fabian immediately denied it .
“I’ve already seen it, so I can’t forget it . ”
Evelyn would never forget it .
“It’s your illusion . ” He coughed in a low voice .
“No, you did . I saw it . And I won’t forget . ” For a moment, Evelyn looked silently at Fabian’s face, forgetting that she was now in his arms .
Evelyn noticed he looked a bit different . His dry lips, the dark shadow under his eyes, his thin face and his eyes that had the same emotions as her .
“Don’t look at it too much . ” Fabian tried to turn his face away . But Evelyn patiently followed his face and stared at it again .
“……You would rather be angry . ” Fabian sighed .
“Is that so?” Evelyn’s persistent glance finally fell . But, the atmosphere between them was definitely different than usual .
“Yes . It’s better than looking at my face like that . It’s the same face anyway . ”
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“Different . ”
Fabian was stunned . He wondered if he had heard wrong or Evelyn’s voice sounded affectionate .
“No……it’s different”, whispered Evelyn again .
Suddenly, their eyes met . Evelyn was seeing more in Fabian’s eyes now than in other moments so far .
“What we didn’t know about each other……I guess it was the same . ” Fabian asked back with his dark eyes .
“Why didn’t I know then?”
“What’s the difference?”
“Your Majesty now looks exhausted . Like me . ”
“Yeah, I am”, Fabian answered in a low voice .
“And I think you’re sad…… . like a person . ”
Fabian paused, holding his breath for a moment . Then soon, he had a faint, sad smile, “Is it the same as you?”
Evelyn couldn’t say anything . She believed that she could throw away her love and sadness . She had a happy time even after leaving him . As he said, it was all in the past .
“Yes…… . ”
But Evelyn couldn’t lie . Once in her death, once in her own decision, she had to lose Fabian . It wasn’t an easy matter at all .
Evelyn seemed to have cut off half of her heart when she had to let him go . She also realized that the feeling of emptiness and loss didn’t disappear until the day she died .
“Even now, still? ……Like I am?”
The sorrow hadn’t been forgotten . And Evelyn just lived with that sadness .
“Yes . ”
That’s what the breakup was . To endure forever, to the day of death, losing someone you loved .