That night, I have difficulties in falling asleep.
My mind keeps wondering about many things—mostly all negative stuffs.
Well, years of hearing some gossips about yourself probably have made me really afraid of my [Dark] affinity, and it won't easily be erased from my mind... I think.
In the middle of night, I decided to go to the toilet and probably wander around the house a bit to empty my mind.
When I pass by my parents' room, I can see that the door isn't closely shut, and I can hear my parents talking.
"Lyra seems to really mind it." -Mom's voice.
"Well, I also don't know why she has such a fear about having [Dark] element...," Dad responds.
"The fact that my side of family has been mingling with elves but not with any single oni... perhaps makes it worse...," Mom sighed.
"Could it be from my mom? Nobody really knows her ancestry, after all... even if I'm pretty sure our score of affinity with [Dark] is near zero."
"If... the theory of the [Dark] affinity is also caused by past painful experiences... then, was it my fault? Back when Lyra was born, she was born prematurely and had to spend days alone in the hospital room to make sure she is strong enough to be out of the intubation... I'm sure she also felt pain during the treatment or medical tests she received… Did that really affect her affinity? What should I do..." Mom's voice starts to shake.
"Hey, calm down. How could that be? She wouldn't even remember that," Dad seems to try to calm Mom down.
"Well, true, but every single thing is recorded in our subconscious even when you can't even remember it, and your subconscious plays a major part in determining your magic affinity, right?"
"Then, I am to take a blame in that, as well. I had some really urgent matters to attend to at that time, and I couldn't quickly come to you two during that time, even when I was worried sick to hear that you gave birth prematurely," Dad said in bitter voice.
"No, that's—"
I can't bear to hear more of their conversation, so I walked away from their room.
...Instead of worrying over the fact that I have [Dark] element which might be an abnormality considering my lineage and that it might cause negative outlook towards the whole family, they are so worried over my denial and reaction of my [Dark] affinity. They even went so far as to to put the blame on them...
I feel like I want to cry. Heck, tears are already brimming in my eyes, causing my vision to be blurry.
I didn't remember of doing something praiseworthy and so great for 4 years of my life as Lyra, but still, they love me unconditionally.
I really am blessed and I tried to doubt their sincerity just now?
Seems like I have so many homework to do about trust and love.
In the end, I managed to (cry myself to) sleep. It's been a long time since I last cried myself to sleep. I didn't cry over my affinity. I cried because I detested myself.
How could I not trust my own family who's showered me with love?
How could I still be haunted by my past memories?
Why can't I be stronger?
What can I do to repay my family for their love?
Those were the thoughts swirling inside my head until the gentle darkness of the sleep engulfed me.
The next day, during breakfast...
"Lyra, do you still mind it?" Mom asked, worried.
"A bit...," I can't lie and say that I no longer mind it. However, the conversation between my parents that I eavesdropped yesterday helped to ease my mind about it. Also, I can't keep making my parents feel bad by continuing my reaction from yesterday. At least, I don't want them to be bothered because of my issue.
"You know... it's fine to not train any [Dark] magic. It's also okay to hide it just like what Altaire usually tried to do at school. However, should it be known to others and you are to receive harsh judgement about it... please, don't mind them. And... should you ever come to terms with it, and want to train it... I'll be glad to help you any time," Mom says.
"Yeah, if you are bullied because of it—or because of anything, just call me and I will teach those bullies!" Alt-nii punched a fist in the air.
I nod.
"Thank you… Mom, Dad, Alt-nii."
I don't know if I will ever come to terms with my [Dark] affinity, but I will try.
My family, especially my mom would be happier if I am willing to learn [Dark] magic to enhance my overall power, after all.
I just hope I can really trust my family wholeheartedly and stop having any slight doubt against them. It would be very rude of me to repay the love I receive with doubt.
How long will it take for me to truly heal, I wonder?
I want to quickly become stronger and answer their expectations.