“You can fook right off. Ah ain’t fighting no one.”
“Now hold on, there,” said Dudley. “You know Colin wouldn’t choose you unless he had a plan. Right, Colin?” He looked at me with an expression that said, “Harm my girl and I will strangle you with your own shitty entrails.” I’m paraphrasing.
“Of course,” I said like there was nothing to worry about (spoiler alert: there was a lot to worry about). I turned back to Raviva. “So, the weapon of choice will be… voices.”
Ah, you see. Nobody said it had to be a battle of physical combat. They might have been huge, lumbering sacks of rocks, but how would that help them in a sing-off?
“You want to challenge us to a singing competition?” said Raviva. “I love it! There’s nothing we trolls love more than a good sing-along. They say I was born yodelling as I came out of my mother. Haha! Prepare the arena!”
Damn. Rather than be wrong-footed by my surprise choice of weapon, they embraced it.
Large, squared-off boulders were brought in and placed together to form a stage. The trolls formed a semi-circle around it and sat down. I got the impression this wasn’t the first time they’d done this.
“Are you sure about this?” said Claire.
“Worse comes to worse, we have to go through their labyrinth, which we would have had to anyway. At least this way we have of chance of making it out alive. Plus, Flossie has a great voice.”
“Ooh... Ah don’t like it,” said Flossie. “Ah can’t sing in front of all these people.”
“You don’t have to. Just sing to Dudley. Right, Dud?”
“Of course,” said Dudley. “I love your splendid voice. I’ll be right there with you.”
“What… what song should ah sing?”
“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “Remember, this is a world where lute music is considered cool. Any song from the last twenty years will blow their minds. Just pick something catchy. But no Celine Dion. We’re trying to avoid bloodshed.”
Still shaky and a bit pale, Flossie made her way to the side of the stage with Dudley. He left her there and sat down at the very front of the audience, not giving a damn he had a huge, hulking troll on either side of him. The rest of us felt less comfortable squeezing our way to the front and remained standing at the back.
Raviva got on the stage to a large round of applause. Trolls clapping sounded like hailstones on a glass roof.
“Okay. It’s that time again. Remember, it’s your votes that count, so give it up long and loud for the one you like. Be fair, be honest. No trolling.”
There was a smatter of laughter.
“First up, our very own Kaceeeeeyton.!”
Raviva jumped off the stage as Kaceyton got on to wild applause and cheers. Home crowd advantage, big time.
The crowd quieted and Kaceyton began singing in a deep, gravelly voice DMX would have been proud of.
You wanna crawl in my cave
You can scuffle in my tunnel
I’ll break it off
I bust you in half
‘Cause my fists so fast they go
The trolls responded: BADA BOOM BOOM
And my hips so fast they go
Again the trolls joined in: ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM
When shit is getting heavy
I will split you open
Cast you out
Hammer your hopes
And when you get tired and want a rest
AND FUCK YOU IN THE NECK
The crowd joining in on the last line devolved into roars of approval. I thought there was going to be a cave in.
Oooookay, then. Kind of aggressive lyrics for a singing competition, but for all I knew that passed for a love ballad around here.
Once the riot had quelled to a minor commotion, Flossie meekly took to the stage. She looked tiny and alone. In short, petrified.
Dudley started clapping. “You can do it!”
We joined in, shouting out words of encouragement.
Flossie’s first words were lost in a cough. She cleared her throat and started again. Her voice was very quiet and a bit wobbly. And not in English.
Najin tasaro inga jogin yoja
By the time she got to:
Hey, sexy lady
And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fuckin problem
I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem
Bring your girls to the crib maybe we can solve iiiiiiiiit
I didn’t recognise the lyrics, but there was a strange hypnotic rhythm to them.
I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem
If anyone’s wondering, the song Flossie sings at the end is ‘Fuckin’ Problems’ by A$AP Rocky, although the version she sings is the cover by Xavier Dunn which you can hear here.