He nodded.
"Okay. Remember it, then." She looked away for a moment, biting her lip, as if she were gathering her thoughts. Then she began again. "And also remember this: This thing we're fighting, this place, the people who are doing it, whatever the hell it is, it's tricky, it's real tricky. And it's in control. Everything is on its side. They have all the machines in the world and they've got us trapped, and they can do whatever they want to us. And we don't have anything. We have nothing to fight it with except ourselves, our own bodies and our brains. And they're going to take advantage of any slips we make. So we can't slip we can't slip. Do you understand that?"
He nodded again.
"And you know what I mean, don't you? You can't go off into these ... daydreams, or, or trances, or whatever they are. They will use that against us, I don't know how, but in some way they will. You've got to keep alert. You've got to keep alert or it will all fall apart. Peter! Did you hear me? These trances have got to stop!"
"But ...," he said, "but...." What was she saying? How could he stop them? They were the only good thing there was, the only comfort he had from the terrifying heights and the bleakness and Oliver's sporadic cruelty and equally sporadic interest. And anyway, they were beyond his control, they were like a fog coming and blotting everything out, there was nothing he could do about them because he wasn't creating them; something else was. "But ... but I can't," he said. "I ... I can't help it, they just happen to me."
"Well, you've got to help it." She was squeezing his shoulder very tightly now, her bitten-off fingernails pressing painfully against the bone. "You have got to help it. If you can't stop them, we're lost. And don't give me that bullshit about something else doing it. It's nothing but yourself, you're just doing it to yourself."
"I ... I am?"
"Oh, of course course you are!" She let go of his shoulder to gesture into the air and then, dropping her voice, she asked, "What are they like, anyway?" you are!" She let go of his shoulder to gesture into the air and then, dropping her voice, she asked, "What are they like, anyway?"
"I...." It was difficult to describe, and so embarrassing. But, watching her face, he knew he had to try. If he didn't at least tell her about them, then his whole difficult journey, alone, step by painful step up to her, would have been useless. "Well, it's...." He sighed. "Once, when we were first here, I think ... I think I told you about ... about the first orphanage I was in, the good one ...?"
"Yes?" She nodded her encouragement, and her face was serious and concerned.
"I ... it's like I'm back there again, except it's different, better, kind of ... well, kind of magical. And there's ... well, this boy...." His voice was barely a whisper now; he had never spoken about Jasper to anyone. "This boy ... he was my friend, he ... we were always together. Jasper, his name was Jasper. He looked kind of like ... like Oliver. And he's in the dream, in the ... in the magic room, taking care of me...." Now he was beginning to cry, his throat constricting and tears welling up in his eyes. "Taking care of me ... he always took care of me ... taking care of me and, and ... and loving me." He gasped back a sob and covered his eyes with his hand.
Lola said nothing, and at last he took his hand away and looked at her. She was still studying him intently, but her face had softened. "It was the best time in your life," she murmured.
"Yes."
"And now is the worst, and you want to go back to that other time."
"I ... is that it, do you think?"
"It sure seems like it. And ... and in a certain way I can understand it. You've been dumped on ever since that first place, but something always kept you going anyway, until you got in here; and then in here, everything was so awful that you just gave up, and tried to get back there. Doesn't that make sense?"
"Yes ... yes, I guess it does."
"And I know it feels good to go back there," she went on, "but listen: There's something else that would feel even better. Beating this place, winning out against it, wouldn't that be great, Peter, knowing that you'd done that?" She was leaning forward, her eyes pleading, her hand on his shoulder again. "And if we don't, if we don't win ... Christ, the only alternative is what that damn machine is going to make us do to each other. You know that, that's why you came all the way up here by yourself to find me."
"Yes." He was nodding at her. "Yes, I know what it would do. Yes, it would be terrible."
"And going back to your dream world won't help at all. You've got to realize that if we can only win out, right now now can be better than the dream. Do you think you can, Peter?" can be better than the dream. Do you think you can, Peter?"
"Oh, I don't know!" Suddenly his voice was raised in agony, his fists clenched. "How can I make it stop?"
"Okay, okay." She seemed taken aback by his outburst. "Maybe not all at once, maybe you have to go back sometimes, but remember what I said. Will you do that? It's our only hope."
"I'll remember." He took a deep breath. He was staring straight into her eyes. Strangely enough, what he had told her about Jasper made it possible for him to look at her directly, as he had never looked at her before. "But how ... how can can we fight the machine? What can we do?" we fight the machine? What can we do?"
Lola sighed and stood up, taking a few quick paces back and forth across the small landing. "Oh, God," she murmured under her breath, as though he weren't there. "Oh, God, it's gonna be tough, it's gonna be so goddam tough." Suddenly she spun toward him, pointing. "Because we're gonna be fighting two things. The machine isn't the only enemy. It's the others, too, we're gonna have to be fighting the others too."
"Are ... are you sure?"
"You said so yourself. You said they'd go along with it, and you're right, God damn it! If only there was just one one of them who'd side with us, then at least it would be three against two. I wonder if maybe Abigail.... But no." She sighed. "Anyway, there's only one thing we can do about it. The first thing we've got to do is tell them what we're doing, and even of them who'd side with us, then at least it would be three against two. I wonder if maybe Abigail.... But no." She sighed. "Anyway, there's only one thing we can do about it. The first thing we've got to do is tell them what we're doing, and even beg beg them to be on our side." She was staring intensely off into the distance, clasping her hands so tightly together that he could see the muscles standing out on her thin arms. them to be on our side." She was staring intensely off into the distance, clasping her hands so tightly together that he could see the muscles standing out on her thin arms.
"But ... but if you don't think Abigail would go along with us, maybe ... well, maybe we could get Oliver ...?
"What? Oliver Oliver? Are you kidding?" She dropped her arms and snorted contemptuously. "Oliver? You know, Pete, in some ways you're pretty smart, I'm beginning to realize that. But in other ways you're mighty dumb. Oliver? Do you think for one minute he'd even-" Then she noticed his face, and stopped herself. "Listen, Peter," she went on more carefully. "I know you have this thing about Oliver, and now I can even understand it a little. I know he's like that friend you want to go back to, but you can't trust him." Suddenly she broke off, her eyes hardening. "You don't believe me, do you? You think I just don't like him, like Blossom said."
"No ... I ... maybe you're right about him, but...."
"Listen to this, Peter. Listen." She spoke slowly and distinctly. "He likes likes those trances of yours, because he's the only one who can wake you up. He those trances of yours, because he's the only one who can wake you up. He likes likes you to be helpless, so he can be stronger. Don't you see that? He's using you." you to be helpless, so he can be stronger. Don't you see that? He's using you."
"But ...," said Peter. He was going to cry again. It was too much to take, Lola telling him he had to fight against the magic room, and now losing whatever small comfort he got occasionally from Oliver.
"Peter, please, listen to me." She was pleading with him again. "I'm sorry I had to tell you that, it was a Blossom kind of trick, and I'm sorry. And the machine will probably like it that I told you. But if you trust him it will only weaken you." She was grasping both his shoulders now, shaking him again. "You can can stand on your own. I'll help you. I know it's not the same, but I'll help you." stand on your own. I'll help you. I know it's not the same, but I'll help you."
"Okay, okay." He shook the tears out of his eyes and turned his face away from her. She had said enough; now he had to think it through by himself.
"But about the machine," he said, clearing his throat. "What can we do about that?"
"Oh yeah." She stood up and stepped away from him. "The machine. I guess there's only one thing we can do. You know what it is as well as I do. You already said it; I've been trying not to. You know what it is, don't you?"
He nodded.
"We just can't do what it wants, and can't go along with the others when they do. Which means that most of the time ... most of the time we won't, we won't...."
He finished for her. "We won't be able to eat."
Chapter 16.
"Maybe he's up there talking to Lola," Blossom said. Peter had been gone much longer than it should have taken him to go to the toilet. Blossom was nervous whenever anyone was away from the machine for more than a few minutes. She herself left the landing as little as possible, and was always trying to make the others stay around: The thought of losing out when the machine might be generous was unbearable to her.
"Why would he be talking to Lola?" said Oliver, sounding strangely tense. "What would he have to say to her?"
"I don't know." Twisting her hair, Blossom studied the stairways above her yet another time. "But they better get back here pretty soon, that's all I can say."
Abigail had moved from the stairway she usually shared with Oliver and had been sitting by herself, staring into her lap. "But if Lola was right, then it doesn't matter," she said slowly. "The machine won't give us anything to eat until somebody does something against somebody else; so we can just wait till they come back to do it." There was an unusual bitterness in her voice.
"You mean you believed believed that crap?" said Oliver. "God, you must be even stupider than I thought you were. She was just hysterical because we'd all found out what she said about us. She didn't know what she was talking about. The whole thing was a coincidence. It had nothing to do with what Blossom or I did." that crap?" said Oliver. "God, you must be even stupider than I thought you were. She was just hysterical because we'd all found out what she said about us. She didn't know what she was talking about. The whole thing was a coincidence. It had nothing to do with what Blossom or I did."
Blossom didn't agree with him, but she said nothing. She wasn't yet absolutely sure that Lola was right, but she certainly hoped she was. Whatever might happen, Blossom knew that she was the most experienced at doing what Lola claimed the machine wanted, and would therefore be better off than the others. She was eager for an opportunity to test Lola's theory, and began trying to think what she might do as an experiment. It was not long before an idea came to her.
"I bet Peter is is talking to Lola," she said. "I bet they're planning something." talking to Lola," she said. "I bet they're planning something."
"What the hell is that that supposed to mean?" said Oliver, and Abigail looked up from her lap. supposed to mean?" said Oliver, and Abigail looked up from her lap.
"Oh, I don't know," said Blossom, looking away coyly and letting her finger play with her lip. "I mean, of course Lola's idea that the machine wants us to gang up against each other is utterly infantile and stupid, but she she believes it, doesn't she? And that probably means she's going to try something, doesn't it, to make the machine work? Something against us. And you know what Peter's like, anybody can make him do anything. I'm sure that's what they're doing." believes it, doesn't she? And that probably means she's going to try something, doesn't it, to make the machine work? Something against us. And you know what Peter's like, anybody can make him do anything. I'm sure that's what they're doing."
"Oh, come on now," Abigail pleaded. "You can't keep saying things like that. It's not reasonable. Don't you remember how Lola acted when she said it? She hated the whole idea! She's not going to go and start doing it right away."
"How come you're always defending her?" Oliver asked Abigail suspiciously. "You know what she's really like. Why do you have to keep questioning it?"
"But Oliver. I don't understand. You keep contradicting yourself. I mean, it was practically your whole idea that the machine wants us to do something else now. But just a minute ago you said it was only a coincidence."
"So what? I can say whatever I want. I don't have to account to you for what I say. And I think Blossom's right about her, too."
"Listen," Blossom said. "I hear footsteps. They're coming back." And now, for the first time, Blossom herself felt curious about what Peter and Lola had been up to, rather than just irritated. Obviously they had been together, for they arrived on the landing at the same time: Lola first, loose-limbed and self-conscious, and Peter, rather hunched, behind her.
"Uh, listen," Lola said, after a moment, when no one had greeted her. "Uh, Peter and I ... we've been talking about some things, and-"
"Yes, we figured you must have been," said Oliver venomously. "We figured you were probably up there planning and-"
"Please," Lola said. "Please, this one time, try to forget all that crap and believe me. Please believe me, this is too important to mess up." She was twisting her hands together and there was a hoarse earnestness in her voice. "Listen, this machine, it's ... whether you admit it or not, you know know what it's doing now; it's trying to turn us all against each other. And listen, I was thinking up there, there's probably what it's doing now; it's trying to turn us all against each other. And listen, I was thinking up there, there's probably people people behind the machine, and they must be watching us, or else they wouldn't know when to turn it on and off. And we can't let them control us like this, and make us do terrible things. If we go along with them now, there's no telling behind the machine, and they must be watching us, or else they wouldn't know when to turn it on and off. And we can't let them control us like this, and make us do terrible things. If we go along with them now, there's no telling what what they will make us do next." She looked from one of them to another. There was no response. She took a deep breath. "So Peter and I ... we decided we're not going to go along with it. It was his idea as much as mine. And if we all stand against the machine together, then they'll see they can't control us. They'll give up, and we'll be the winners. But if anybody, even one person, stays with them, and goes along with the machine, then they'll probably keep trying and trying to get us all, and we won't have much of a chance. So, please fight it with us." She sighed, lifting her hands; and then, tilting her head to the side and biting her thumbnail, she waited. they will make us do next." She looked from one of them to another. There was no response. She took a deep breath. "So Peter and I ... we decided we're not going to go along with it. It was his idea as much as mine. And if we all stand against the machine together, then they'll see they can't control us. They'll give up, and we'll be the winners. But if anybody, even one person, stays with them, and goes along with the machine, then they'll probably keep trying and trying to get us all, and we won't have much of a chance. So, please fight it with us." She sighed, lifting her hands; and then, tilting her head to the side and biting her thumbnail, she waited.
"But how?" Abigail said. "How can we fight it? What can we possibly do?"
"Well," Lola said, with an uncomfortable little cough. "That's the hard part, of course." She paused for a moment. "All we can do is just refuse to do what it wants, just refuse refuse to do it. And of course, that means for a while we won't get much to eat, I guess, but-" to do it. And of course, that means for a while we won't get much to eat, I guess, but-"
That was all Blossom needed. Not be able to eat? How intolerable! She had to stop the idea; to do something that would put herself in control again. And she found it quite easily. She began to giggle.
Lola stopped in the middle of her sentence and spun toward her, blushing; Abigail, Oliver, and even Peter stared at her in surprise.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Blossom gasped, letting her giggle expand into laughter. "Oh!" She swayed back and forth, wiping her eyes. "Oh, my!" She hiccuped, put one still-plump hand over her mouth, and let her eyes slide from side to side. "I'm sorry," she said at last, finally getting her laughter under control, "but I just couldn't help it. The way she's trying to sound so brave and self-sacrificing, and yet what she's really doing is so obvious. And she thinks we're going to fall for it, that's the funniest part. Oh! And her hair all sticking up like that, and her trying to seem like a heroine, with that hair! It's too much."
She had never seen Lola look so defeated. Lola reached up and touched her hair with one hand, then walked to her stairway and sat down without a word, giving Peter a meaningful glance. Blossom didn't like that glance.
But Abigail was talking to Blossom now. "What do you mean? I don't know what you're talking about." She seemed terribly confused and upset; and Oliver was obviously trying to keep his feelings under control. "What do you mean, 'What she's really doing'? Why don't you believe her?"
"Because I just don't," said Blossom. She was furious now. Lola's glance couldn't have said more plainly that she had expected Blossom to respond this way all along. It was a conspiracy between Lola and Peter against her. "Didn't you hear what she just said? She thinks the machine wants us to hurt each other, and that's what she's trying to do. She's trying to trick us, so she can prove how stupid and gullible we are. And then laugh at us, make us starve ourselves because she says so, and then laugh. Don't you see?" Blossom's voice grew shrill with urgency. Both of them, even Oliver, who was usually on her side, looked doubtful. They must have believed Lola! And now Lola had Peter; she couldn't let her get Oliver and Abigail too. She reached for the only weapon she had. "Don't you remember what I told you about her? How she said Abigail was a simpering, empty-headed thing, and how Oliver was only pretending to be brave to show off but really-"
"Yes, yes, I remember," Oliver interrupted quickly. "I remember enough not to pay any attention to anything she says. What the hell do you think you're going to do, anyway?" he asked Lola belligerently. "Not do the dance anymore?"
"That ... that was the general idea," she said rather stiffly.
Oliver snorted. "Sure you are! I'd like to see you try try not to dance when that light comes on." not to dance when that light comes on."
At that moment it dawned on Blossom what Lola really meant, and what she could do; and the terrifying consequences and sudden emergency of the situation threatened to send her into total hysteria. For, even deserted by them all, Lola still had the power not to dance, and keep them from eating. Blossom had to prevent it. But at the moment she didn't know how, and tried not to let the fear show in her voice. "And Peter won't be able to keep from dancing either," she said. "He's too weak to do anything."
"Yes, I know," Oliver said, staring at Peter without expression.
"But Oliver!" Peter cried out.
And then Lola was on her feet. "You know something?" she said to Blossom. "You are really amazing. A phenomenon. Do you realize they were about to go along with it? And you ruined it, you ruined all our chances of getting through this thing without being-"
"Without being what?" Blossom demanded. "You don't even know what you're talking about. You say say you won't dance, but you will." Lola had to be weakened, she had to be convinced that nothing she did would make any difference. It was the only thing Blossom could think of doing. "You might as well give up right now. Even if you could keep from dancing, your little plan would never work because you won't dance, but you will." Lola had to be weakened, she had to be convinced that nothing she did would make any difference. It was the only thing Blossom could think of doing. "You might as well give up right now. Even if you could keep from dancing, your little plan would never work because I I won't let it. Do you understand? No matter what you do, I'm going to ruin it, I'm going to ruin won't let it. Do you understand? No matter what you do, I'm going to ruin it, I'm going to ruin everything everything you try!" you try!"
At that moment the light and the voices began, and before they knew it they were all dancing. And Lola and Peter were dancing too.
Blossom felt a surge of happiness and relief as the pellets began rolling out. Lola, for all her big words, wasn't going to interfere after all! Blossom couldn't control herself. "See?" she crowed with delight. "See? Lola and her big mouth is dancing too."
"No!" came a strangled cry from the stairway. "Don't, Lola! Stop! We've-" Peter came lurching toward her. The food stopped.
Lola blinked, and stood still, as Peter grabbed her. "Peter!" she said. "I-"
"Stop it! Stop it!" Blossom shrieked in terror. "What are you doing? Dance, dance, you've got to keep-"
Lola turned on her, her face alive with anger and determination. "No! No! No!" she shouted, and she put her hands over her ears. "Peter, hold your ears! Don't look at that light! Come on, up the stairs, follow me!"
"No!" Blossom wailed, grabbing Lola's shoulder and trying to pull her back into the dance. "You can't do this!"
"Oh yes we can!" cried Lola, and shoved Blossom to the other side of the landing. She grabbed Peter's arm, the other hand still over her ear, and began leading him, stumbling, up the stairs, away from the light. They moved in slow motion, with tremendous effort, as though fighting a powerful current. But the higher they got, the faster they began to climb, until at last they disappeared in the tangle of stairways above.
"Food will be coming soon," the voices murmured dully to Blossom as she danced helplessly, beginning to sob. "Food will be coming soon. Food will be coming soon. Food...."
Chapter 17.
Abigail was the first to come.
When they caught sight of her, far below, they both hoped for a moment that she might be joining them. But as she approached they could tell, from something abject in the way she was trudging up the steps, that she was not coming over to their side. And they were right.
"Please come back," she said, practically wringing her hands. Her face was very pale, except for the darkness underneath her eyes. "Please, we're all so hungry."
"We're hungry too," Lola said.
"Oh, and it's so awful down there! Both of them, they're ... when they're hungry they can be so...."
"They're taking it all out on you, aren't they?" Lola asked her. "And they made you come up here and beg because they knew you were the only one I'd pay any attention to, right?"
Abigail nodded mutely.
Lola sighed. "Listen, Abigail, why not just forget about them and stay up here with us? You won't be any hungrier up here than you are down there, and we'll be decent to you."
"But if I didn't go back, Oliver would be so angry. He'd hate me, he really would hate me."
"So? So what if that bastard hates you? You know he's not worth it."
"But ... but maybe she'd rather be with him anyway," Peter said softly, looking away.
"Oh, I don't know, I don't know," Abigail moaned, twisting her hands. "But now ... now I have to go back. Are you sure sure you won't come with me? Don't you want to eat?" you won't come with me? Don't you want to eat?"