Talia's eyelids dropped shut, and Claudia saw the last of the tension ease from her mother's painfully thin body.
"Good work," the nurse said quietly, giving Claudia a thumbs-up.
Claudia could barely respond; she was too busy trying to swallow the enormous ball of grief lodged in her throat. With Talia's eyes closed and her body relaxed, it was possible to see the devastation that the past six days, and, indeed, the past three years had wrought. Always a small woman, she was nothing now, her collarbone poking sharply up from the tissue-like skin of her chest. Her cheeks were marked with a spiderweb tracery of red veins-angry against the pallor of the rest of her complexion. Like her chest, the bones of her face were scarily prominent, making Talia look much older than her fifty-nine years.
As Claudia reached for her mother's hand, Talia's mouth dropped open, and her head flopped to one side. Claudia stiffened and shot a worried glance toward the nurse.
"Is she okay? What's happening?" she asked.
The nurse checked Talia's pulse and other vital signs.
"She's sleeping," she finally said. "Hopefully she'll stay that way-it's the best thing for her at this point. Apart from supporting the liver with IV fluids, we can't do much more for her until the alcohol is out of her system. Then it will be a matter of running tests to see if there has been any permanent damage."
Claudia nodded. So far, her mother had been remarkably lucky with her health. It would be foolish to think that her body could go on forever under such abuse, however.
She stayed with Talia for another half hour, holding her hand, watching her face, trying to reconcile her feelings of anger and guilt and shame and love. An impossible task. One that she'd thought she'd walked away from three years ago.
Finally she forced herself to her feet. Even though she'd told him to go, she knew Leandro would be waiting for her. He was that kind of man. Stomach tense, feet leaden, she exited the cubicle and crossed the shiny vinyl floor to where her brothers, father and Leandro sat grouped together.
"She's sleeping," Claudia said.
Her father ignored her, surging to his feet and brushing past her to go take her place by Talia's bedside.
"They're going to run more tests tomorrow," she told Cosmo and George, stupidly repeating the nurse's words just to avoid looking directly at Leandro again.
Cosmo nodded, scrubbing his face wearily. Glancing at the wall clock, she was surprised to see it was nearly midnight. With a small child and his own contracting business to run, her brother worked long hours.
"You should go home. You, too, George." She knew they'd been out looking for their mother most nights this week. "I'll stay here and let you know if anything changes."
For a moment Cosmo looked tempted, but he shook his head. "I wouldn't be able to sleep, anyway," he said.
"Yeah, pass," George agreed. "But thanks anyway."
Leandro stood, and her gaze skittered toward him and just as quickly ricocheted away.
"I'll go get some coffees for us all," he said. She felt his gaze on her. "You want to come?"
She didn't want to be alone with him, didn't want to have the conversation that had been looming since the moment they pulled up at her house earlier this evening. But it was inevitable, had been since the day they met.
9.
GRABBING HER wallet from her handbag, Claudia followed Leandro through a maze of corridors till they found the cafeteria. At this time of night the vending machines ruled, and the bulk of the space was empty except for a handful of weary-looking medical staff and a couple of subdued family groups.
Fishing in her purse for coins for the machine, Claudia kept her head down, even though she could feel Leandro's steady regard. After a few seconds, he stepped forward and rested his warm hand on the nape of her neck.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
She shrugged a shoulder, still not looking at him. "I'm fine."
"It's okay to be upset, Claudia. Your mom's in hospital," Leandro said.
"It's not like we haven't been here before," she said before she could stop herself.
God, she sounded bitter and screwed up.
"How long has she been an alcoholic?" Leandro asked after a brief pause.
How like him to wade in and get to the point, asking the hard questions up front.
"I don't want to talk about this," she said, forcing herself to look up into his face.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't. It's irrelevant."
He shook his head as though he couldn't quite believe what she'd said.
"She's your mother," he said simply.
"Leandro-read my lips. I don't want to go over old ground," Claudia said.
He touched her arm. "How are we supposed to build a future together, have a family if you won't tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" he asked.
She let out a short, sharp bark of laughter.
"A family? Are you kidding?" she said, knowing even as she spoke that she was being a bitch, that all the things she should have said, should have told him last week were coming out the wrong way because she was terrified for her mother and she'd allowed her feelings for Leandro to get out of control.
He frowned. "I want a future with you, Claudia, you know that."
"I don't want children," she said bluntly. "Never have, never will."
"I know you're really into your career, but we can work around that. I'll share the load, we can do it together," Leandro said.
She shook her head.
"No. I told you right from the start that I wasn't interested in a relationship, but I wanted you so badly I kidded myself that maybe we could pull this off. But from the moment I saw you with your family, I knew I could never be the kind of woman you want me to be. I should have said this to you last week, except...Anyway, I'm sorry if you feel I led you on. I didn't mean to. But now we both know where we stand, and we can put this all behind us and move on."
It was hard to say the words, to finally draw a line under what had happened between them, but it had to be done.
He blinked. "What are you saying? That we're breaking up?"
"What's the point in carrying on when we're never going to be on the same page?" she asked.
"I don't believe this," he said incredulously. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."
"I love you. That's the problem. That's why I kidded myself that I could do this thing with you, that we could sleep together and I could control it. But deep down inside I knew we'd end up here. I won't give up my life for anyone, Leandro," she said.
He looked stunned, as though she'd whipped the rug out from beneath his feet. Guilt and sadness spurred her on.
"You knew. Right from the start. The reason you sprang your grandmother's party on me was because you knew I didn't want us to get serious," she said.
They'd both been complicit in this game of "look the other way."
"No, I just don't buy it. You were made to love people, Claudia. I've seen you with your friends, the way you look after your team, the way you talk to your nephew. You said when you saw me with my family last week that you knew you could never be the kind of woman I want-well, I had the exact opposite experience. I saw you laughing with my grandmother and dancing with my father and gossiping with my mother and I knew that you belonged, that we have the foundation for something great between us."
"You saw what you wanted to see," she said.
"No, I didn't. I saw you," he said.
Stepping closer, he pulled her into his arms and tilted her head up with a finger.
"I love you, Claudia," he said before lowering his head to kiss her.
He tasted familiar and precious and for a few stupid moments she let her body soften against his, let herself imagine what it would be like to have his comfort and strength to draw on, to know that she would always have him by her side.
It was too seductive, and way too terrifying. She had only to remember her mother's face to find the strength to resist him.
Sliding her hands between them, she pushed herself away from his chest.
"I think you should go now," she said quietly.
She felt him tense even though she was no longer touching him.
"I understand that you're upset about your mother," he said. She could see he was struggling to keep his emotions in check. "I don't want to lose you, Claudia. Let's just leave this for now and talk about it later."
"Nothing is going to change, Leandro."
"You don't know that."
"You want a family, I don't. One of these things is not like the other," she said.
He still looked stubbornly unconvinced.
She smiled sadly. "This is why your first marriage ended, isn't it?"
"Partly. But there were other reasons as well."
"Even if we did decide to look the other way for now, this would always be between us."
He looked stricken, disbelieving. She reached out and cupped her palm on his cheek.
"It's for the best," she said, dropping her hand and stepping away from him.
"I can't believe you'd give up on us so easily, that you won't even give this a chance," he said. He sounded angry, like she'd betrayed him. "What happened to the woman who kicked my shin for stealing her idea?"
"She's standing right in front of you," Claudia said, her voice calm even though inside her heart was breaking. The only way to stick with this, however, was to remind herself that worse pain lay ahead if she allowed herself to be drawn back into his arms.
"I hope it's worth it, this great career of yours. I hope those awards keep you warm at night," he said, his voice and face cold now.
"I know what I want," she said.
"And that's not me?" he asked stiffly.
Slowly she shook her head. "I don't have room for you in my life."
"Room for me?"
He stared at her as though he'd never seen her before. Then he walked away, back straight, head high.
That easily, it was over.
She stared after him, telling herself that she'd only done what had to be done. After a minute or two, the sick feeling in her stomach began to fade and she forced her mind to the matter at hand. Coffee for her brothers, her silent, condemning father and herself. Then conferences with the doctors as they began the inevitable fruitless rehabilitation discussions that would go nowhere because her mother refused to acknowledge her illness.
She managed a small, twisted little smile. She'd had her moment in the sun, her few days of glory. Now it was time to pay the price.
CLAUDIA WAS FEELING bone weary by the time she arrived at work the next morning. She'd texted Sadie and Grace to tell them about Talia's hospitalization last night, and they were waiting in her office with takeaway coffees and bagels when she arrived.
"How is she?" Sadie asked.
Claudia shrugged a shoulder. "Still sleeping."
She'd had no sleep herself, and had only made a pit stop at home to shower and change clothes.
"Do you have any idea where she's been?" Grace asked, pushing a bagel forward.
"She's filthy, so she's obviously been sleeping rough. God knows where, or with whom," Claudia said.
"Eat something," Sadie said, nodding toward the bagel. "You look exhausted."
Claudia picked up the bagel, but the warm scent of yeast and flour made her feel sick. Ever since Leandro had walked away from her, a heavy weight had been sitting in her stomach, and the thought of food was repellent.
"I had something at the hospital," she lied, putting the bagel down again.
"It must have been so horrible, coming home to find her on the doorstep like that," Grace said, rounding the desk to hug Claudia. "You should have called us, we would have come to be with you at the hospital."
"Leandro was with me," Claudia said flatly.
She felt rather than saw Grace and Sadie exchange glances.