Chapter 32
The mentality on the days before the war. An unclear truth.
Third, DREAM.
“Neechan, are you sulking in a corner again?” (1)
“Leave me alone.”
“…Geez, to be feeling hurt for every little thing like that, you won’t get anywhere, will you.”
“I mean, it’s like you’ve come to refute me, I hate that.” (2)
“Ouch. I’m telling you not to lash out at me. It simply hurts.”
“You won’t understand it, ***”
“It’s because I don’t understand that I’m asking–”
“Of course, after all you and me are different human beings, aren’t we.”
“Are you someone who says ‘different human beings’ but means ‘separate people’? …Aren’t you sulking too much, neechan.”(3)
“Leave me alone.”
“Yes, we went back to the beginning. …But, whatever happens, call for me next time, ‘cause I’ll properly help you.”
“You’re the younger brother yet you’re so cheeky. And what’s with that, are you oniichan’s Manager?” (4)
“Ask for my help through telepathy! I’ll go pick you up!! Is what that means.”
“…”
“Ah, don’t ignore me! Please don’t ignore me! I’m super-embarrassed!”
“Don’t say it if it’s embarrassing.”
“Oh, you finally laughed.”
“…ngh.”
“You’ve always been making a boring face so you live hesitantly; laugh more. They say that ‘good fortune and happiness will come to the home of those who smile,’ right?” (5)
“However, oniichan is hiding in the corner of that corridor and looking this way.”
“Whoa-!? What are you doing niichan!”
“Ye, yeah! Hahaha! Such a chance meeting!”
“It’s not a chance meeting.” “No way it’s a chance meeting.”
As I open my eyelids there’s the familiar canopy as a ceiling. When I lift my body the sunlight coming in from the gap in the curtain informs me it’s morning.
Recently I’ve been frequently seeing dreams from when I was human.
Lord Cleric had said something like “it will be your end when you remember all of your human memories,” nevertheless at this pace, aren’t I going to dream and remember everything at some point? Thinking that gives me a scary feeling.
I wonder what it means for it to be my end.
“…What do you actually want me to do.”
I don’t feel good, it’s like someone is intentionally showing me these dreams. Although previously such a thing didn’t happen at all.
I heaved a sigh and combed backwards the bangs that were stuck to my forehead with sweat, when I heard the peaceful breathing of someone sleeping; as I glance over there, Maribelle was sleeping. Her face is facing towards me and she’s sleeping rolled into a ball like a cat. My stiff face is loosens up at her cuteness.
I wonder if I’m the only one who thinks that her face without make-up is cuter. (5)
From her small mouth, she spills in her sleep talking, ‘Vito I like you a lot,’ and I felt so much joy and embarrassment that my face became red.
My depressed mood was swept away and became a warm feeling.
This time, ‘Reina, don’t eat thaaat… you’ll ruin your stomach,’ she mumbles in a murmur.
“What is she dreaming of.”
I ended up laughing.
The inside of the castle was silent till the point of being eerie.
The castle town visible from outside of the window too, even though it’s always crowded with people, now not even a person is in sight.
— The war is starting.
As if the peaceful day-to-day was a dream, the air tingles; everywhere it’s filled with tension.
At the corridor near Maribelle’s room, as I was watching the castle town from the window where it can be seen without obstruction, the sound of footsteps reached me.
Directing my gaze towards it, Madeleine was there. She stopped walking in front of me, laughing with a sweet smile.
“It has been a long time, Vito. I wonder how many weeks has it been.”
“…It has been a while, Madeleine.”
The same honey-colored long hair as Chiffon is tied as dumplings at her back, she isn’t wearing the usual servant uniform, but she is dressed in an unfamiliar garment with a complex visage, with a light purple basis. And at some places there are patterns applied in golden embroidery, it can be seen that she is a magician at a glance.
Her smile is the same as always, but there seems to be some tension somewhere. Is that because the war is starting soon, or is it my fault?
As I inquire about her attitude, she laughed at me with a giggle.
“I’m all right. I am not feeling oppressed because you’re a Dragon. And you are the Holy Beast of this country, you should be more proud.”
The Holy Beast of the country. I didn’t want to hear that from Madeleine’s mouth, but when thinking of the matters at her house then surely that can’t be helped.
“The King is calling for you. …I was meant to tell you that, but since this would only put a strange pressure on you, I declined in your place, I came here to inform you of that.”
At last the King has summoned me himself, I had already put myself on guard, but I felt let down at those words.
“That can be done? He, he’s the king.”
“Just who do you think I am, I’m the next head of the Morante family! Well I’m still a fledgling, thus of course I asked Father and he declined in our place.”
She even controls her step-father? In truth Madeleine is unusually talented, and her thought process is fast, to the point it makes you wonder if she’s really Chiffon’s twin. (6) To the point, it would be kind of scary if she became an enemy. But is the Morante House such an influential noble family? Although I’m interacting with Madeleine like normal, in fact isn’t she an ojousama with a higher social standing than the noble daughters from around here?
“Without a doubt the King is one of the people on the Prince’s side. He’s intending to send you out to the battlefield by any means.”
“He wants to send me out to war…”
The King is thinking of this country, just like the Prince and those people. They have some self-interest, but if their country is destroyed they’ll lose the place they belong to. So in order to protect the country, they will be desperate no matter what has to be sacrificed for it.
“That’s all from me, well, I have preparations to make so see you.”
It truly was only a report. Madeleine turns her back to me and walks away.
Before, every time we met in the hallway, we would make some small talk and get all excited, I remember with some loneliness.
— And, am I really okay with this?
Am I okay with being just a spectator?
I used to think that I was unrelated to those people who fight wars. No, I wanted to think that. To begin with, I am neither a native of Alvina Kingdom and, as someone with incomplete human memories, I thought it would be impossible for me to help the humans. But, it is too late for this now that the war is upon us, but, I think.
I wonder, why am rejecting them this much?
If my raison d’être as an Earth Dragon is to be here and fulfill my duty as per the expectations of those men, then I should gladly proceed forwards and fight. And I’m also confident of having the power to kick about a lot of humans. To kill a lot of human beings, and to go down to posterity as a hero. Most things will proceed smoothly if I did so.
When I was holed up in the Vizannu mountains, I witnessed that thing called war once. They were different from me, but now I know that people were riding Fire Drakes, but as I thought it was strange for people to be riding Dragons I lost to my curiosity and followed along. I called it a war but it was a small-scale battle. Still, I remember it was something dreadful. To the point, I, I felt scared.
—Yes, I am probably, afraid of war.
Even though I am a Dragon that has killed countless humans, even I am astonished about this. But at war people will die at a ratio incomparable than up to now. So I could not agree with them who say ‘let’s go to war.’ I was thinking, ‘why I do I have to bother with such a thing?’
I could not believe it, that I could lead them to war.
I just, wanted to stay as a bystander.
To shake my head as this doesn’t have anything to do with me, to close my eyes to this as I have been doing it until now. That would be enough for me.
… However, perhaps I closed my eyes much too long.
I have noticed somehow that I can’t be a bystander anymore. I ended up getting involved too deeply in this.
How much has my existence affected this country? And how many troubles have I brought them? They are endless no matter how much I count them.
… And this timing is almost too good. It is like some invisible power was working, and created an existence like me. Because of the unexpected events that caused the death of the Earth Dragon from 20 years ago, that invisible something made preparations for something else. And because it was in a hurry it finished it by creating an existence that was a mix up of a human and a Dragon.
I cannot help it, to have such a feeling.
But, still. Even though I was dropped and came into existence over here because of a third party.
I believe, it’s probably wrong for me to keep running away from this already.
From this world.
“Wait…! Madeleine!”
When her retreating back stops at my call and she turns around to look at me, I run to her side. We weren’t that far apart so it didn’t take too much time.
I take a deep breath once, and stare straight at Madeleine.
“—Take me with you.”
A moment passes, Madeleine’s eyebrows frown. She heaved a small sigh as if she thought this wasn’t a very good idea.
“I wouldn’t really recommend that. If you approach the fronlines then it may be seen by the surrounding people as if you are willing to participate in the war. Even if that’s not your will, that’s why I’d like you to not take too many rash actions.”
“Even so, that’s fine.”
She opens her eyes wide in surprise.
“Somehow I don’t understand your change of heart, but… are you really okay with it?”
I just kept staring at her honey-colored irises. She was gazing into the depths of my pupils with a serious expression like she was trying to percieve what I’m thinking.
We stared at each other for a while, but Madeleine broke the silence with a wry smile.
“…I say, as a friend I wanted to say that, but as the next head of the Morante Household, what I really think is that I want you to come by all means.”
It should be like that. Madeleine has a family, and many things she wishes to protect.
I do not know how much war potential I can have, but certainly, for her there doesn’t exist something happier than if I went out to the front lines and truly lead the country to victory.
“I think you already know about this, right, Vito? Our country is very sweet to you guys, the Earth Dragons. Maybe it’s because of the one which was forced to form a contract and died, but this time you’re being treated with utmost care so that you won’t die, and there’s a feeling of respecting the will of the person in question… that’s something very convenient for you.”
If they hadn’t met that Earth Dragon, then now I may have not even been able to make decisions on my own will.
“In my case, though it was ultimately my own will to enter the Morante Household as an adopted child, I wonder if maybe I wanted to become a magician, but frankly a side of me doesn’t know that, even if I could say that now. So, I’m envious of you who still has options left. …It’s fine if you don’t hurry up and make the desicion right now, you know? Or rather, do you really want to go?”
Smiling sadly, she says. ‘To head with us to war, or to only watch over the war until the end while remaining at the castle.’
I think to remain at the castle and watch over the war until it ends is the best for me. Because while I may fear that the castle may be attacked when I am inside, my body itself will be safe. Or I could flee to somewhere else, discarding this country. …At first I thought so. But, it is too too late now.
I quietly nodded.
“Are you really okay with it? Do you really want to go?”
With a sigh Madeleine asks again.
But my feelings have already been decided.
“I was, …always thinking that this was unrelated to me. A side of me was also rebelling against the weight of the expectations from the surroundings. I always thought, it’ll be fine as long as I myself am alright.”
“That’s fine, you know? That’s a matter of course as a living creature. In particular, because you’re not a human being, it’s natural to think the most about your body as per your instincts.”
Not a human being. But nor can it be said that I’m a perfect dragon. That’s a matter that causes me torment.
“But, I can’t let things pass by like this.”
“Is that because of compassion? If that’s the case, the please think that that’s something that we, who are intending to battle while risking our lives, won’t appreciate.”
I wonder if she’s becoming tense, her words are coming out more straightforward than usual.
“…It might be. But I am the same as them. I have a great lingering affection towards this country. (7) I do not want to escape and throw all of that away. I don’t know how terrible war is, nor how many people will die, now if I can stand on the battlefield without any hesitation… but, I want to protect these lingering affections. No matter if it’s even said that this is all just pretty words, this is better than escaping and being tormented by feelings of guilt.”
In the end, that I want to do it so that I won’t be tormented by guilty feelings, it’s such a terribly impure motive, isn’t it. And, after having rejected them so stubbornly until now and then changing my opinion 180° around in an instant, I could come off as such an indecisive guy. (8) Even I think so myself.
But, I’m afraid of losing everything that is here. More than anything, that’s what I’m afraid of.
“Please Madeleine, take me there too.”
Since she said these are preparations, probably that’s why Madeleine is also going. Even is she’s but what they call an egg, she is still a magician of this country.
Her sharp gaze pierces me. If I give in here then my feelings won’t come across to them. As I was showing this attitude to her, she breathes a big sigh, and says, ‘it can’t be helped then.’
“…I understand. I understood your feelings properly. But, just remember this”
And she made such a serious face such as she hadn’t made before.
“That if you disappear, there will be a lot of people who will be sad.” (9)
If I die, I wonder if there will be humans who will grieve me. At least, I wonder if Madeleine, who said this herself, will mourn me.
I gave a small nod.
“Yeah, Okay. But the same goes for Madeleine.”
“If you say that then I can’t answer anything back.”
The tingling atmosphere that persisted until now disappears, and she smiles as gently as always.
“Let us pray that the both of us can avoid that, so——–, ——you know.”
“…Eh? What?”
Madeleine is saying something, but it’s difficult to hear it. I ask again in impatience, wondering if my ears are working wrong, but now I didn’t hear anything at all. On the contrary my field of vision began to blur in a rough manner like the screen of a television with lost signal. (10)
“—-, –!”
“Wha, wha’s this”
The face of a mystified Madeleine disappears as if buried under a sandstorm. (10) In the end everything became pitch black, and I didn’t even know if I was still standing there.
It was a horrible sensation, a feeling as if I was suddenly thrown out to the space.
I see nothing. I feel nothing. Nothing, nothing.
— With a snapping sound, like the TV channel was changed from the empty signal screen, suddenly my field of view became clear.
Blinking several times, I noticed that Madeleine who should have been in front of me is not there anymore, so I look around in a panic. But let alone her not being there, I was not at the place that I should have been right now.
“…Whe, re?”
My location was changed in an instant, it seems. That I use a phrasing as ambiguous as ‘it seems,’ is because I myself can’t understand what happened.
By the side of a wall in a relatively small room, I was sitting in a bed by the window. TV, bookcase, desk, closet, it could be said that I recognize but it makes me feel uncomfortable. At the edge of my vision I can see something black appear intermittently, so when I try grabbing it with my hand to look at it, it was black hair. It was a slightly long shoulder length haircut.
“Black, …why?”
And now I stare at my hand, and maybe it was because of spending my summer vacations as a shut in, what enters my eyes is a hand which is comparatively white for a Japanese person. Moving my line of sight to my body, I was wearing pajamas of an orange checker. My appearance; that of light brown eyes, and a healthier, tanned skin. And I ought to have been wearing the dark blue uniform of a servant. Yet, even if I should feel out of place in this figure, there is no sense of discomfort.
When was it? I have felt this kind of sensation before.
— That was certainly, when I became a Dragon… no, when the Dragon became me? Huh? Eh? What the.
My memories are in a chaos and I don’t know from where I should start to remember things at all. As I was confused about what the hell happened to my body, suddenly there was the sound of a knock and the door which was at the end of the room opens.
“Neechan, wake up soo…, ah, how unusual.”
An unknown youth with blond hair came in to the room.
Wearing a pretty pink apron, and holding an egg in his hand. Who’s newlywed wife are you.
“If you’re awake then hurry up and go down. Niichan already ate and left for the company. If you don’t come down fast then I can’t clean things up, you know.”
He’s complaining to me while thrusting the egg at me.
Suddenly this newlywed-wife youth came out, and my head that was already confused just got even more confused.
“…Neechan? What’s wrong?”
Neechan.
That’s it.
I, am an older sister.
Of this boy, I’m his sister.
—Wait a minute. This, what does this mean?
My Dragon memories which were so familiar to me are drawing back to the depths of my brain, and my human memories are coming out on top instead. I feel bewildered at this different sensation. I have memories, of this boy, and of my childhood spent in this house. Rather, the memories spent with my family as a human being are being clearly and vividly recalled. Better yet, I remember the events from last night as if they had happened just now. We fought over who would eat the extra hamburger that was made. But in the end we played rock-paper-scissors and oniichan ate it.
“Neechan?”
Since I wasn’t saying anything, maybe he thought I wasn’t feeling fine, the boy who is my younger brother makes a seemingly worried expression. Last week I caught a summer cold, it could also be because of that.
“Ehm, oh, … no, it’s nothing.”
“That so? That’s good then. Don’t force yourself. Come down quickly afterwards, if it cools down you’ll have to reheat it in the microwave.”
“Y, yeah.”
The boy left the room with a dry laugh.
All of that, I wonder if it was a dream.
A dream where I became a Dragon. A dream of living in emotional instability from being caught in between the memories of a human and a Dragon and getting involved with a country and its war.
“Fantasy.“(11)
– …It’s that riiight, as I thought it was a dream riiight, there’s no way something so fantastic isn’t a dream. Ah …I saw such a terribly realistic dream, I’ll boast to oniichan next time.
Calming down with a sigh of relief I stand up from the bed. Just as I extend my hand to the closet thinking of changing my clothes before eating breakfast, that blur strikes my sight again.
“No, way…, w, wait.”
My field of vision became monochromatic and filled with the ‘shhh shhh’ sound of static. (10) And not knowing where to stand I fall to the floor; then from the door from which my younger brother exited something came in in his place.
Whatever it is, help me, I say, and stretch my hands as if to cling onto something, and touch something soft. It was a fluffy hairball.
It cried out with a “Meow.”
—Oh, I forgot to feed Hana. (12)
“… — Vito!!”
“Wah, ye, yes!?”
The moment the static blur disappears and my vision becomes clear, my body jumps up by having my shouted closely by my ear.
Madeleine seemed to have been shaking me while holding onto both of my shoulders, and seemed lightly affected. I wonder what the heck happened.
“Wha, what’s wrong?”
Her amazed glare pierces me.
“That’s my line! You were standing there like you were dead, what happened? You showed no reaction no matter how many times I called, don’t scare me! I was about to call Lord Cleric already!”
Please excuse me from that.
“Like I was dead…?”
“There was no light in your eyes… I was worried because I kinda thought some sort of curse had been cast on you.”
No light in my eyes, am I a dead fish?
“A, a curse is somewhat exaggerated.”
“A colleague from the neighboring country has been cast that kind of spell before.” (12)
That’s scary. It’s as scary as a temple visit at 2 a.m. (13)
“I’m sorry, I was thinking of something for a bit.”
“…Really?”
Not even I am able to understand what happened just now. Returning to my human self, furthermore going to that world and speaking to my younger brother, I can’t believe it myself. On the contrary there are also parts that I can’t remember like they were enveloped in a haze. It’s becoming ambiguous, like a dream, which doesn’t hang on on time. (14)
I become a little scared. At the fact that the human memories I believed to be dreams, might be trying to become a reality.
But Madeleine seems anxious, and looks at me with a probing stare.
“Don’t lie to me… your complexion looks bad.”
“Really, I’m all right.”
I hurriedly put on a smile.
“…Understood. This time, I’ll leave it at that.”
Although Madeleine did not say anything else, it seems she thinks my vague attitude is suspicious.
She probably discovered that I’m hiding something. But I don’t know what to explain myself.
If I’ll become confused just by saying it, then it is better not to say anything from the beginning.
Let’s believe I saw a daydream.