Chapter 3
The Difference
Sadly though, my not talking gave others a chance to bully me in another way.
They would throw rocks until I talked, or threaten to throw them, either way, for a short time, I would be trapped. If I was carrying something, they would come up with a way to damage whatever it was that I was carrying, like that of putting it into water or throwing it onto the dirt road where a carriage was coming…
So…Even with the secrets that I had locked up inside, and how they like to bully me…I’ve also found that not talking probably gives me just as much trouble as I would be in if I really did talk…
I really feel trapped…That no matter which course I seem to take, the path leads to that of misery and pain.
So, since I had taken the road of becoming mute, scared to talk because of my mother, I decided to continue to endure the misery and pain from that path. Even though they continue to bully me because of it, I was sure that they might just find something else to bully me for, even if I did talk.
I wanted to think that they would regret me speaking of what I know, because I would want to say everything I knew and perhaps threaten them somehow with these secrets, in an attempt to get my mother’s belongings back…But…Of course, I would think of my mother and that frightening night…It is my biggest nightmare, that I relive quite often, while I attempt to get a small amount of sleep, and then I would be too frightened to act out my threats completely.
No…Even if they do these things, I will not say a word…
It was made bluntly obvious to me that I held no power whatsoever. That even if I knew these secrets…Would I be heard?
I had learnt this, yet, why did I want to do it still!?
I didn’t want to be stupid!
So, as my last defence, the extra reason came to me to stay silent from now on…That even if I talked, I wouldn’t be heard in the first place, as the words of a slave meant nothing!
I will not say anything about the slave girl who had ran away with the help of one of their own stewards.
I will not say that the Mister Mason is unhappy because he’s getting married to the wrong woman…And that his lover was already pregnant with his child.
I will not say that the Lord looks at his wife with disgust sometimes and that Lady Billings seems to horde her own extra private stash of money away from everybody. I’ve seen that she has one, and she states that is her own and that no one can touch it, but the second stash is apparently something else. I don’t quite understand why she has two stashes but I’m sure it’s a secret from the Lord and that was why I think it’s a secret as well…
…I will not say a word about any of this…
In thinking that, even though I didn’t mind becoming weaker, it still didn’t mean that I wasn’t tired of them treating me this way. I really had no idea why they continued to do it…Do they not see that I’m already dirty when they spit on me? Did they not see that I was already hungry and thirsty, when they take away the rest of my dinner? Did they not see that I was exhausted through carrying something heavy back to the home from the farm, and yet they give me another chore, ordering me to accomplish it straight away? Do they not see the torment I’ve been forced to live through since the day I had taken over my mother’s job!?
Yet, there is nothing I can do!
This was the life I was born into, the one I have to live. I have no right to think that I deserve anything else and that I should be happy that with what I have…But why is that so hard to accept!?
With how they have treated me, I did wonder if it really was that fun to bully someone, as they seemed to enjoy it immensely!
I had wondered if I should try it out, to see how it would feel. Perhaps it would make me feel better about my own situation…Perhaps I can give back everything that that they had done to me! Or maybe, I just wanted a tiny little bit of power or freedom…
I wasn’t too sure…
But, I had the chance to bully someone…They were smaller than me, and what they had done was fall over and cry, while holding their bloodied knee. I could bully them, I could…But…At the same time, I couldn’t. I remembered at that time what it was like to be bullied and how it felt…For a short, conflicting moment I had only just stood there, but then I bent down and coaxed the little boy to stop crying and helped him back to where he stayed, which happened to be a side branch of the family area within the residence…
He was related to the Lord and he had a better life then I...
Seeing that he was someone that I felt I had a right to bully, because of what the family had done to my mother and I, I still couldn't do it...Why?
I guess I wasn’t ready to bring myself to make others feel as I had. As I do…
Perhaps another day I will try it out once again, but that boy…He was just too small…And...And it wasn't his fault that my mother died. He had played no part in that at all. Even though I had felt a right to bully him, I also felt I had no right at all, which confused me greatly.
Then, trying once again, I didn’t bully because it was a girl, then it was an animal, then that I was too busy…Then I came to a strange conclusion that maybe in a few more years I could try it because I thought I was just too young now…
Thinking back to those months...I guess they were just more excuses...Just like, I felt like a slave, I was a slave, and that a slave doesn't bully others…
Just another excuse…
It really did make me question how had my mother lived like this? As, I guessed she was treated poorly too, even though I had seen slaves be treated a lot better than I.
Actually, I had known for quite a while now that I had been singled out pretty often…
It wasn’t always the case, as I had seen a servant die and one gone missing, but I felt like I got bullied a lot more than the other slaves…
Was it really alright to hit and starve someone? Wasn’t I a sibling to the Young Lady and Mister? Why am I getting treated like this!?
Why…Am I slave…No…Why was my mother a slave!?
I was sweeping out the stable, when my thoughts got this far, and it was a question that I had never questioned before…And also heard nothing about.
Stopping and looking out, seeing no one about, just horses eating what I had given them, I suddenly wondered why my mother, a person that had given the Lord a child, had been a slave…
Yes…It was indeed something that I was curious about!
I had not ventured too much into knowing about other households and how they treated other mother’s like mine, but surely, shouldn’t she have only gotten punished instead of being tortured and killed? Did she have to be a slave in the first place? Perhaps Lady Billings had made up a rule, but my mother should have been in a better place…A better position then that of a slave…
A feeling rose up inside of me, as I went back to finish my work…
I had lost this feeling of wanting something when I had finished finding out why my mother had perished, now…It has returned!
Since I was watched by quite a number of people, and that my mother’s items were taken away, I couldn’t run away…Unless I wanted to be severely punished for it…So, I might as well investigate my new question.
I was told two years ago that I had to repay a debt to receive those items back, even though I had questioned this debt that the Young Lady doesn’t have but I do. We were both daughters of Lord Billings, yet why did I have debt when I’m sure that the Lady Venus doesn’t?
As usual, a nagging saying entered into my thoughts, and that was, it wasn't fair!
It has been many times I felt this way, and many times I had tried to dismiss it...Yet, I felt like my tolerance was wearing thin, that my excuses are running out! That the difference between both the Young Lady and I…Was growing more and more. She had so many things, in which I didn’t…She was even able to see her father, in which I only see him once or twice a month. She had a mother, she had jewellery and a nice room…
Even though, at the moment, I didn’t care for some of those things, it was the fact that we were both daughters, yet she had things that I didn’t…And I didn’t understand completely the reasons for this difference…
With these differences, it didn’t seem to matter. Over the space of two years, my slave status didn’t seem to be changing and it didn’t seem that I was able to gain anything else either, like that of being able to be taught and study.
No…Again, this was just my life and I had to accept it, whether I wanted to or not!
My mother being a slave, previously I never thought too much about it because that is what she had always been. But now, knowing the secret of myself being a daughter of the Lord, I was hoping for an explanation for my mother’s status, so it gave me a slight light of hope.
Maybe...Maybe there might be a rule and the Lord didn't abide by! Perhaps, I should be just like Lady Venus! And...And maybe I could state who killed my mother and get justice for her death!
Taking a moment of silence, I slumped down on some hay and shook my head. I was scared...
I was small, stupid and had no one on my side...Even if they had done something wrong, would anyone listen to someone such as me...A slave?
Even if I had all the right to live better than I am now…How could that change with Lady Billings was the way she was and hating me? How could my life change when my father had not helped me from the start? How could I expect to help myself, even if I knew I might deserve better than this!?
Did it matter if there was a change?
…Perhaps I would be better off not finding out…
I sighed, feeling that uncontrollable urge to find justice again, yet, I still felt like there was nothing I could do about it. Perhaps I shouldn't worry about it then...
…But, now that I had a question that I wanted an answer for, I suddenly felt keen to do something different!
I felt…Different, when I felt like this. It was like I had been hollow inside, and now I felt a bit fuller. That…That I had meaning to my sorrowful life and I wanted it to sprout because of the feeling it gave me.
I wanted…To do something right now! This very moment! Find out why my mother had been treated that way, when I was sure she shouldn’t have been!
Getting this extra strength go through me, I finished up in the stable and quietly made my way back to the living residence, in hope to find an answer quickly.
I knew I had to stay out of sight, because if I was found doing something else, when I should be at the stable, I could get into trouble because I didn’t report back to the steward to state that I had finished my work so that he could give me something else to do.
So…I had to stay out of sight, and try to find some kind of answer to my question…
Yet, I should have known…That answers don’t come straight away, as I had not found anything for a good hour. So, all I could do was to return, to state to the steward that I had finished my work…
But…I had not given up! I was going to find out why my mother had still been a slave and had to endure something so terrible, even though she had a child to the Lord!
But…I wasn’t doing this to find an answer…I was doing this because of the feeling that I had.
At this very moment, I actually wanted to live. I wanted to feel this way…And not only did it bring excitement back…But it also made me a little scared at the same time.
The Billings residence resided in a capital named Ristro. Ristro was the capital of Icklish, a country that seemed to be declining, mostly because of the barbarians that had attacked over a decade ago.
The Barbarians had taken a third of Icklish, reclaiming back the lands that held the best soil.
Wanting to get the land back, Icklish had lost too many soldiers and had not tried again since that one time, many years ago. But, over the last decade, the food in Icklish was noticeably not as rich and tasty. Population was not only lost to the Barbarians, but now it was lost due to people wanting to live in another country. The economy dropped and now Icklish could be seen as an ‘easy target’.
War had started a few months ago, as the enemy country of Gelmain, and the King of Gelman, saw the decline of Icklish and wanted to take the country while it was in this predicament. They were situation to the north of Icklish, while the Barbarians roamed the lands to the west, making Icklish somewhat surrounded, as there was water to the south.
All that was between the two countries of Gelmain and Icklish, was that of a deep forest that one could get lost in, only having two ways around the deep forest that makes traveling from one country to the other go on for several more days because of the big detour.
I didn’t know much beyond that of this planet, or if I did, it didn’t make much sense to me.
Apparently, there were other places, but was this world so big, how could they fit? I had heard from the teacher that there was a place that held big creatures that were as big as the city gates! That in the seas, the creatures could be as big as the city gates too!
More things I didn’t understand was that why someone so young was being recognized so much…They had talked about this ‘General’ for a long time!
But…I wasn’t really listening to too much about it…
What did someone who had no deep connection and past, come up to rise so suddenly, have to do with me? How did that help me get my work done?
A few other things was that the King of Ristro seemed to be disliked because of a few ‘choices’ that he’s made…
They called it ‘politics’ and I didn’t understand what it meant, so I let it go…Well, it wasn’t just because of that, but I don’t have the time to think of it anyway.
I’ve heard that there was some type of big success about a mountain in the forest and how Gelmain occupied it, but I never quite understood that either.
Some of this information was from the servants, not all of it was from being taught when I was younger, but I could hardly put too much attention to what they said. The words of other slaves and servants could also be wrong, and well…Again, did that knowledge keep me out of trouble?
Actually, with all this gossip, my muteness came in handy, because I didn’t want to talk about all these things…
In fact, of what I do know, half of it seemed too big for me to think about.
I just had do my work, sleep and try not to get into trouble…Thinking about what was happening to this country, even though it sounded like it was losing, felt like it would be too much to worry about.
If the bullying and work had slowed down or stopped when the war had begun, I might think of the country more, but at the moment…What was going on with the war was beyond me and I felt like I didn’t care at the moment.
My world was surviving in the Billings residence, where they weren’t from a military family.
They called themselves the intelligence of the country, and the Lord was the main branch and they lived rather rich, just not as rich as I had first thought. There was another family here with the same last name, but for some reason they don’t get looked upon the same as the ‘main branch’ and I wondered why.
In fact, I had more time for the other small Young Lady in that family, due to this reason…Because, it was like we were similar. But I rarely get to see her and have never spoken to her, of course, but we had shared one small smile to each other and that seemed enough for me to think that she was a much nicer person then that of a few others in the family.
They acted rich, looked rich and I also know that when they make a mistake themselves…They like to blame others for it. It was a whole other kind of way to the way I had been living...I get into trouble for things I don't even do, yet these people never admit to their mistakes like they were scared or something...
This was the main reason why I did not think of them as the intelligence of the country, as I was pretty sure that blaming others didn’t make one more intelligent than someone else…
For a prime example of why I thought this way, which I had knew through the Mister’s own secret confession, was that he had gambled money recently and claimed this upon a steward instead…Making that steward have to leave, as he lost his job because of it.
Was it really not enough, that they bully others for no particular reason…Now they are blaming others for their own misdeeds…
Why?
I do not understand…
How did they deserved to be said as intelligence or deserved to be rich…I really…Don’t understand at all!
Only small changes were made when the war had started, and one was to build another place that kept food supplies. There was already a shed that did hold some foods and other supplies in it, like ladders, axes and other tools, but the one to be made was going to be specifically to store foods now.
Because of the war, there was also more theft, making our jobs harder, as even us slaves as well as the guards would get scolded if anything went missing.
There was also a change in the things that we did, because we were selling more wheat now, instead of animals…
It had only been a few months, but just as I had gotten used to an everyday routine, it had suddenly changed because of the war.
I was slowly getting into routine once again, knowing that in the morning was mostly doing chores around the animals, then from midday it was the chores of harvesting and packing. But it was a little harder on my back, with all the extra bending down that I wasn’t used too…
Previously, I had spent more time with the animals so that they were always ready to be sold, but I didn’t have to do that now at all, having to spend an extra two to three hours in the fields to make up for the time.
To one degree, it was better, because the wheat wasn’t as far away as some of the vegetables on the land of the residence…But, to another degree…
What hadn’t changed, was that of the Master’s still clothing themselves luxuriously. I tried not to think what the difference was between us, but that’s rather hard to ignore. Just like everything else…As a slave, there were so many things that others had that you didn’t. And it was so obvious just by looking at them.
They wore fox furs coats and hats and warm boots, they even carried around hand warmers and had a specific type of gloves that I could only dream about. Every one of us slaves did not have any of those things, and it was evident that I wasn’t the only one that envied the Master’s, as I saw it in the eyes of other slaves too.
It was hard not to notice the difference in status…
Me…I needed to ask permission just to go to the latrine.
I needed permission to sleep, to eat and to be able to move on from one job to another.
Even if my old leather boots had holes, like that of my crude socks, I can’t just ask for new ones. My old, ratty blanket on my bed hardly kept me warm, always having to do as others did and snuggle with two other people, just to keep warm at night…
My position didn’t let me have anything, yet, I still had to make the best of it.
I saw others get into trouble and it also made me do as I’m told, learning from their mistakes…Just so that I could get my mother’s belongings back to me…Well, that was what I always told myself…
But…My mother’s belongings continuously became a thing that held me hostage, like the slave that I already am…
So, what exactly was the difference between that of me and them?
I guess…Maybe it was freedom and perhaps a feeling of authority...Maybe it was luck on who they were born too…But, what never changed, was the difference that was so easily seen…