First part is pretty much the second half of the previous Chapter 29, with some additions at the end.
CSWH Chapter 33: Father’s Tears……that feeling remained even after I returned home.
Because, I just don't understand.
That feeling of wanting to protect another.
When was it, that Rui also said those words?
Why was it that even though they stole mother away……father continued to work in a station where he protected the people?
While being riddled with wounds, why did they still continue on that path?
"Welcome home, Mel."
"……say, Granny. Has father returned home yet?"
I stealthily whispered by her ear.
"Yes. He has already returned."
"Would it be alright for me to visit him?"
"……according to the steward, he should not have any more arrangements for today."
"I see. Then I will go see him for a bit."
I trotted over to father's study.
Now that I think of it, it might have been a while since I last had a face to face conversation with father.
At the very least, right after father subjugated the bandits, I holed myself up, and after that father's side had become noisy.
When I entered father's room a little nervously, father was leisurely taking a sip of alcohol.
"Melly, is it? It's quite unusual for you to come to my room…….now that I think of it, it seems that today you went out to play with Kuroitsu and everyone?"
"Yes, it was very fun."
"That is good…….so, what's wrong?"
"There isn't anything wrong, but there was something that I wanted to ask father."
"Hou……what is it? Try asking."
"……how can father want to protect the people?"
At my sudden question, father made a slightly surprised expression.
"……today when I was talking with Kuroitsu-san and everyone, I asked them why they became soldiers. I came to know of their various reasons. But apart from their respective reasons, unnoticed, they came to admire father and like father, wanted to protect the country……and the citizens as well…….but I could not fundamentally understand what they said. Just why does father try to protect the people?"
"……is there something strange about me trying to protect the people?"
"Yes. Because, father…….wasn't mother killed by the very people that father was protecting?"
I could tell that father gasped at my words.
"Is it that important to protect people whose names and faces you don't even know? ……even though you don't know when or if they'll return the favour with enmity."
"……are the people enemies to you?"
"No. But, it is true that I do not think very well of them. If all they can do is be protected all the time, then they should become stronger themselves. Become stronger, and then they can just protect the things that they want to protect themselves! Isn't that fine!? Where is there a need for father to protect everyone? To me, compared to the soldiers of Towair, the people of this country are more……"
Pachin, a crisp sound reverberated.
When I felt my cheek become hot, I realized that I was hit by father.
"…..don't say any more than that. You mustn't say any more than that."
At father's low voice, I swallowed back the words that had been about to come out.
"Even I didn't originally have such noble intentions like wanting to protect the people or the country. It was simply for the sake of trying out my own skills."
Exhaling, father let out a heavy sigh.
"I lost myself in it. During the war, upon seeing the citizens without the means to protect themselves being one-sidedly trampled, I felt that I who had the means to fight had to protect them, and my body naturally moved to do so."
Father gulped down the contents of the glass he was holding.
Drinking the contents all in one breath, father once again let out another sigh.
"After Melilda was killed, I was made to think about various things. When I think that the ones who killed my wife were the people of this country, I wonder why I tried to fight so hard at that time and find it all pointless…….however. The ones who taught me that what I did wasn't useless, were none other than the people themselves."
As father said that, he smiled in a visibly sad manner.
"After they propped me up as a hero or whatnot, well……I had to fulfill the responsibilities attached to that name, and continued to run forward recklessly. But before I knew it, a path was made behind me. And on that path, there were people who began slowly, but surely, following after me. They were none other than the people. You heard right? That the ones whose villages were burned down in the war became soldiers. They saw my exploits at that time and became people who wanted to be able to protect someone else as well. The people following after me will protect the precious people of someone whose face they do not know, and that someone else will follow after those who are following me. And like that, I once again was able to feel pride in continuing my path, and was saved. What I've done so far wasn't pointless. It goes round and round, and eventually, perhaps there will no longer be any people who will have to face the sadness of losing a precious person like myself."
"……but-!"
"Are all of the citizens bandits? Will they become bandits? Do you not understand that the citizens also have precious people themselves? Being unable to protect those people by themselves, is it a sin for them to want you to protect those people and rely on you?"
"……-tch!"
"Not everyone has a talent for martial arts like you. And even if they had it, they do not have the free time to spend every single day polishing it. Would you tell those people to protect themselves using their own power, and then, for that purpose, tell them to undergo the same training as yourself while forsaking them? That is what you would call arrogance."
"But, I……"
Even I could tell that I was gradually becoming unable to mouth words of rebuttal.
"For example……that's right. If your Granny were to ask you for help, would you not assist her?"
"……Granny is my precious person. Of course I'd help her."
"Then if Granny's precious person were to ask for your help?"
"……since it would make Granny sad if they disappeared, I'd protect them."
"You wouldn't refuse them and tell them to protect themselves? Even though they are someone whose face nor name you don't know, you would still protect them?"
I could not speak any further.
Because I understood what father was trying to say.
"It is like that. Going round and round, that is what it means to protect someone's precious person……not all of the people are bad. The ones who killed your mother were, in the end, bandits. The sin lies with those people alone, and the blame lies with me for being unable to protect her. It is wrong to charge all of the citizens with that sin."
Father gently wrapped my face with those large hands of his.
There wasn't any heat nor pain anymore.
Instead, my eyes felt hot, and tears were overflowing.
"Strangers have people who think of them as precious. I do not want to see the forms of people like me grieving at the loss of their precious people…….that is precisely why, I can only continue to go forward. That is what I feel."
Father wiped my tears and said that while smiling.
I contemplated father's words inside of my heart countless times.
[I do not want to see the forms of people like me grieving at the loss of their precious people]
……just those words, those feelings……I could also understand.
The despair at that time, the sadness at that time……the hatred at that time.
I also do not want to experience that ever again.
At the same time, I do not want the people precious to me to experience that either.
Because I myself understood that pain……that was precisely why.
The moment I thought that, I suddenly recalled the words that Rui once told me.
[……in order to maintain this daily life, this country has sacrificed a lot of people. Even now, someone somewhere is continuing to pay that sacrifice. Is that to protect this country? No, no one is looking at things on such a large scale. Each of them is probably fighting to protect the things that they want to protect.]
He said that at that tower.
……if that was true.
Then there were probably other people who were like me at that time, despairing at the irrationality of this world, being tortured by a sense of loss.
The moment I realized that, I felt ashamed at myself.