My friend saw how distraught and tired I was from all this and took me out to lunch to talk. As we sat at the table on a busy urban street with tons of people walking by, she listened as I started explaining how I was right and my girlfriend was wrong, how she didn't get it, and how she was frustrating me.
My friend interrupted me and said that she might have an answer that would resolve the situation. But before she told me what it was, she first told me that I wouldn't understand or care what she said until I had moved past the issues I was dealing with. She said that I wouldn't even be able to see what she was talking about until I was in a more "neutral" state of mind. Then she simply told me: "Communication is ONLY the response that you get."
What did that mean?
But she was right - I didn't really get it at first, so I kept what she said swirling around in my mind for a while.
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I asked myself, "What response was I getting from my girlfriend?"
"What kind of response was my communication getting?"
The response my communication was getting wasn't good or at all what I wanted. But when I truly accepted this fact, things changed in my mind. I started to see that all the things I was doing wasn't getting me the response that I was looking for.
So I decided to try something completely different than what I would normally do to resolve these issues. I forgot about my side of things in the argument. I listened to her and thought about the positive outcome I wanted. I ignored the desire to say things that would give me short-term gratification.
Guess what happened?
The response from simply listening to my girlfriend instead of talking about me, me, me, and why I was right was the one I was looking for all along.
There are two powerful things I learned in that experience that has changed my behavior forever: ALWAYS focus on how things look from the OTHER PERSON'S perspective.
NEVER make it so that your "story" or side of things becomes more important than listening to the person you're with.
Seek to understand before you seek to be understood. It might be difficult or even frustrating, but it works every time.
Speaking His Language Ever had a man get upset at you for simply asking him a question about how he feels or what he thinks?
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Ever had a man barely respond to loving, caring, generous things you do for him? Or even responded negatively?
The way men talk, behave, and interpret doesn't make sense to most women. And it's pretty often that I hear women call men 'idiots' and say that men are stupid or gripe that men just don't "get it" when it comes to being with a woman.
What's strange is that guys totally get what's going on with each other.
For example, a man can watch an interaction between a man and a woman and know a whole lot about what the man is thinking and feeling from his behavior and what he says.
Men know instantly why the guy is responding the way he is and what it means.
Well, remember "guy talk"? It's that indirect communication that doesn't even have to involve words that men send out. But guys understand each other PERFECTLY with "guy talk." Not because they understand something about communication that women don't. No, it's because they can identify with other men and relate to what they're going through.
Have you ever watched a fight a female friend had with her boyfriend or husband? I bet it took just a couple of seconds to understand exactly where your friend was coming from, the "how" and the "why" of her feelings. And it probably took no time at all to see why the boyfriend was upsetting her and the mistakes he was making.
Wouldn't it be amazingly powerful if you could have the same level of insight and intuition with men?
You can, but you've got to spend some time learning "guy talk." Once you learn more about it, you'll become more comfortable with the common and predictable signals, reactions, and feelings the man is sending out.
Thinking in Time Frames ::: 137 :::.
Here's a common problem: A woman tries to impress a man by doing things to show that she's a good long-term relationship partner, but the man responds by acting distant.
In my experience and from studies I've read, men have a few general ways they can see a woman as a potential relationship partner in the beginning: * Not interested * Interested as a friend * Interested as a lover * Interested as a lover and perhaps something more long-term And here's something fascinating....
Men have a big secret that if a woman knows it will make him ten times more likely to want a long-term relationship with her. But men don't want you to know about it. If a man sees a woman as a lover and maybe something more long-term, he'll be OK with waiting for things like sex.
Let me say that again...
Make a man wait for sex. Nearly every man I know, even the "players", have a common theme among all the women they've dated seriously. The woman made sure that things moved slowly and that sex did not come before deeper levels of attraction and intimacy were built. (In terms of time, this usually meant a minimum of one to several months before they were more physically intimate.) Making a man wait for physical intimacy or sex is a MUST if you want the option for anything serious in the future.
When a man feels strongly about a woman for more than just a physical fling, then he'll be much more patient about sex and physical intimacy than if he's just interested in a woman for something physical. He'll gladly wait for a woman and enjoy the process of learning about the woman as he "courts" her if he sees potential for a longer term relationship.
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Here's the fascinating thing that goes on when a man must wait for a woman... By waiting, he isn't experiencing just the physical aspects of the relationship and focused on it like men often do. Instead, he's forced to evaluate his own feelings for the woman and his readiness for a serious relationship upfront before things move along. This is unlike how most situations come about for men where they want to put physical intimacy before ever evaluating the potential for more.
On the other hand, if a man sees a woman as just a physical thing he'll be likely to push for sex and become impatient. This impatience is a key signal for a woman. It's great for a man to want it, but it's not OK for him to become irritated or pressure a woman in any negative way. So if a man does this or pays little attention to a woman's needs and interests, it's because he's not seeing any potential for anything other than a physical encounter.
Unfortunately, some women feel such a strong connection to a man that they make the mistake of jumping into bed too soon with him even if they know it's wrong or too soon in the back of their mind. And once they've already slept with the man, they can't turn back and start to become attached and start treating the man like a long-term boyfriend and expect the same in return. But lots of men don't see a relationship starting just because of physical intimacy.
When to have physical intimacy with a man can be confusing so let me be clear here about something important.
There's no shortcut to getting a guy into a relationship. Trying to substitute sex and other physical intimacy in place of a strong bond and relationship never works. Eventually the "power" of sex will wear off and unfortunately this is how it works with lots of men. If they have sex with a woman too early, they can quickly lose desire for her and have less interest in pursuing a long term relationship.
Most men are very good at sensing when a woman is trying to take "shortcuts" or if she's trying to rush into a relationship. When this happens, it triggers the "Hey, this woman wants a long-term relationship" thinking in the guys mind. This will make him see you as clingy and desperate. As soon as a guy sees this he'll begin to hold back or withdraw ::: 139 :::.
once the initial passion or intensity fades.
But if a woman does things to attract a man and trigger his interests for something more long term BEFORE sex and/or spending more time together or living together, then SHE can better choose where she wants the relationship to go.
When men wait for sex, they instantly become much more open to the woman's ideas about a future together if they don't already want more commitment and certainty themselves. By making a man wait, he will also do a much better job at paying attention to your needs and interests.
Go ask some men about this, and they'll tell you the same. Lots of men feel that if a woman is too into them, and if she's too easy a catch, then he'll see her as less desirable for a relationship-because men like a challenge. Yeah, I know-of course these aren't the mature men, but a large majority of men prefer the chase.
To be more direct: The longer a man waits and courts a woman before he gets to spend lots of time around her and share physical intimacy, the higher the odds are for him to want and desire a successful long-term relationship with her.
Don't be afraid to make a man wait to be physical with you. If he's serious and ready, then the longer you both wait, the better the odds are for your success in the future.
It's the BIG SECRET men never want women to know. I've asked hundreds of men about this directly and they all agree reluctantly: the more a man has to work for what he wants in a woman, the more he will value her. So the more time you can spend with a man dialing up his attraction for you and pushing his buttons for wanting a long term relationship before you get too deep into things, the better the odds are for your future together.
Setting "Relationship Standards"
I generally avoid "rules" with men, because men can be unique and vary from person to person. But here's one so listen up...
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You HAVE to let a man know FROM THE START that you don't want to casually date forever if that's your intention. But the trick for lots of women, even though they do this in their own way, is that you CANNOT do this through pressuring or through any kind of passive-aggressive or weak convincing types of behavior.
Pressure on people in big situations and choices in life causes more harm than good.
Ever had a salesman pressure you to buy? Exactly.
If you still want to read more about this topic, check out the book Spin Selling by Neil Rackham. It's a fascinating study into the idea of pressure and convincing around higher pressure or higher cost situations. Plus, if you check it out you can brush up on your business and sales skills (assuming you're into that kind of thing).
When a woman requires specific "minimums" from a man from the start, it has a profound effect on the way a man views the woman. He is WAY more likely to end up with her in the future.
Here's exactly how to do this...
Say, "I will only keep seeing you right now if this is going somewhere and you aren't seeing anyone else, because I'm not going to waste my time."
When you say this to a guy, there's an unconscious button that's pushed in his mind that basically tells him and instills the belief that "this is a respectable and desirable woman who has the ability and the strength to pick and choose what happens in her life and with men, so I better make good of the situation."
If all goes well and you start becoming closer and closer to a man after weeks or a couple of months to the point where you have strong feelings and you know you want a relationship with the man, then now's the time to say in a calm and casual voice, "I'm happy with you, and I want to keep dating... but the future's important to me so let's see how we feel about things ::: 141 :::.
over the next few weeks or months (set a time here you feel comfortable with), and we'll decide where this is going and to continue if there's something more serious that we're both interested in and want."
And "Kaboom." This is like the ultimate ground-shaker for a man. Yeah, it might be risky and sound a bit harsh, but if a man is at all serious about you, then the conversation that ensues from saying this will bring you closer together, or at the very least get him thinking and knowing that he must value you the way you value yourself.
Pushing His Secret Communication Button When you resist or react negatively in any conversation with a man about your love life together, it immediately becomes more difficult to progress with him and have him get closer. And if you're working at building a relationship and you make the mistake of assuming, arguing, begging, convincing, or trying to bully him into a commitment, then don't expect to have any real long-term success. When you resist or react negatively in any conversation with a man about your love life together, it immediately becomes more difficult to progress with him and have him get closer. And if you're working at building a relationship and you make the mistake of assuming, arguing, begging, convincing, or trying to bully him into a commitment, then don't expect to have any real long-term success.
You might make progress in the short term where he gives in to what you want, but there will be bigger problems in the future when you think your relationship is ready to progress. He won't be there with you. And worse, he might resent you.
So how do you talk to a man about a relationship or approach "fixing" something that needs improving?
Well, I found something amazing that a few smart women know. Men have a secret button that you can push. When you push it, you'll find out what he really thinks and feels about ANYTHING you want to know about.
But there's a catch. You've got to make it happen by changing YOUR communication in order to push his communication button. (Sorry, but most big results you'll have in life will come this way because you decided to create them.
It's actually an amazing and empowering thing to realize.) No matter how close you think you are to him, odds are ::: 142 :::.
that you both aren't as honest and comfortable as you could be when you communicate. You both want to say the right things, you both have judgments about the other that cause you to frame your opinions a certain way, etc.
The truth is that you both need to share your true desires and intentions. If you're not working from the same song sheet, then you'll never be in tune. Poor communication is the single biggest reason why situations with men and women fail.
For most men, fears and inhibitions get in the way of being completely honest about where they are and what they're looking for in a woman. A common situation I see is men who want to remain single and date various women even though they enjoy the company of a certain woman. These men don't share their real desire to be single and to see other women because they fear confrontation or because they don't want to lose what they have going.
But men like this won't magically be ready or able to commit in the future unless they make some big changes in their lives, which sets themselves and the woman up for failure by being out of touch with their intentions.
It's up to you to get a man's fears out of the way so you can get to the bottom of things.
Getting past the manners and the personas that are masks for fear is the essence of "pushing the button." Let's look at a specific example of how you can do this. I've broken it down into several key steps: Step 1: The Primer Start a conversation with him on a fun, positive note.
Maybe tell him a story about something you both enjoyed in the past, or compliment him on something you know he prides himself on. But make sure you give him some sort of "ego stroke." I'm not saying that you should praise a guy if he doesn't deserve it, but if you're interested in a future with a guy, there's got to be something that you appreciate about him, right?
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Complimenting him and telling him that you're happy and content with how things are right now will make him more receptive and create an open and positive context for everything that follows.
This is the "starter" for the conversation that will build an entirely positive context, and it might seem like something you could skip but actually is the most important step. To do this, you might start by telling him about how much you enjoy spending time with him, and you can remind him of the great times you've had. The idea is ALL about setting the right mood so a guy becomes positive, comfortable, and open to conversation.
And I'm sure you know how guys get when you start talking about issues, problems, intense emotions, etc. Men become babies and shut down. Don't make that happen here - it's too important. Even if you're having a tough time because he's done something to hurt you lately, you're interested in him for a reason so try to remember those things.
You can't drive this conversation with all the "negative"
things-it never works that way.
Not with men, not with anybody.
Step 2: Casual Introduction This is the first step into "where things are going." But instead of springing "the talk" on him like most women do, keep talking about positives, the good things, or the things you want to continue that are WORKING. If you don't have too many of these things, think harder. You're interested in a future with this guy for some reason, right? But don't just compliment him. Make sure it's about BOTH of you and how you are together, not just about him.
Your goal here in this step is to get HIM to think and start communicating about the relationship and the good things ahead in the future. You're helping him build the bridge.
Important Word of Caution Here...
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If you can't come up with too much positive stuff that you've done recently or that you've both enjoyed, you might want to think about it and the timing of your "talk."
Is this the right time and the right place?
Maybe you already know something about the guy and "where things are at", but you aren't acknowledging it to yourself. Remember that you're not here to try and "convince"
a man to want or feel something. That's a losing battle that will certainly fail and cause you heartbreak. Make sure you've thought things all the way through about what YOU want and if he'll really make you happy, or if you want to change him somehow with this talk.
Trying to change or convince in ANY form is NOT a part of this conversation.
If you find yourself doing either, step back, relax, and think smart and positive. Stay focused on the REALITY of the situation, not what you want it to be. Think about the positive nature of the ideal relationship you're looking for and speak from that place and feeling.
Then say, "You know, I've been thinking about something fascinating. Men and women come from such different places mentally and emotionally, but they can reconcile or negotiate these differences to make the relationship work. And these differences mean that we can complement each other."
This opens up the conversation in a non-confrontational way about the concept of relationships without him reading into it. You don't want him to feel any negative pressure or emotional intensity here so he remains open and receptive about the subject.
Step 3: Applying Positive Strokes Then tell him, "It's great because I bet you and I see things differently, but I love spending time with you and we have such a great time together." Then tell him, "It's great because I bet you and I see things differently, but I love spending time with you and we have such a great time together."
Step 4: Non-Situational Honesty ::: 145 :::.
Tell him, "You know, I've known for a long time that I want a relationship that (explain your ideals about what would make a great relationship for you here)"
Of course it's up to you to talk about the ideal relationship you want, but there's a HUGE mistake you need to avoid in this step.
Do NOT start talking about how what you have now isn't what you want or that you NEED to have this ideal relationship with him right now. Avoid doing this because if you make this mistake it will change the ENTIRE nature and context of the conversation and odds are the guy will change his mood. It will close his desire to listen and share with you in half a second flat.
Step 5: Active Listening Listen to the conversation without any resistance. When you do this, men instantly sense it and become more caring, more attentive, and more interested in what YOU want. Best of all for you, they will talk MUCH more honestly about where they are and what they want.
Getting him to be honest and truthful about what HE is looking for is one of the first things you need to do if you're interested in more than "dating." It's the key to identifying men and learning when and how to create a relationship that will last.
It blows men away when they first experience this kind of open and honest communication about the future and a relationship with a woman. Men almost can't believe it, and they instantly see you as someone unique, rare, and "cool."