ST. JOHN:
What are they?
PITTS-STEVENS:
A woman suffering from widowhood Took a full bottle and was cured. A man There was--a murderer; the doctors all Had given him up--he'd but an hour to live.
He swallowed half a glassful. He is dead, But not of Vinegar Bitters. A wee babe Lay sick and cried for it. The mother gave That innocent a spoonful and it smoothed Its pathway to the tomb. 'Tis warranted To cause a boy to strike his father, make A pig squeal, start the hair upon a stone, Or play the fiddle for a country dance.
_(Enter McDonald, reading a Sunday-school book.)_ Good morrow, sir; I trust you're well.
MCDONALD:
H'lo, Pitts!
Observe, good friends, I have a volume here Myself am author of--a noble book To train the infant mind (delightful task!) It tells how one Samantha Brown, age, six, A gutter-bunking slave to rum, was saved By Vinegar Bitters, went to church and now Has an account at the Pacific Bank.
I'll read the whole work to you.
ST JOHN: Heaven forbid!
I've elsewhere an engagement.
PITTS-STEVENS: I am deaf.
MCDONALD _(reading regardless):_
"Once on a time there lived"----
_(Enter Mrs. Hayes.)_ Behold our queen!
ALL:
Her eyes upon the ground Before her feet she low'rs, Walking, in thought profound, As 'twere, upon all fours.
Her visage is austere, Her gait a high parade; At every step you hear The sloshing lemonade!
MRS. HAYES _(to herself):_
Once, sitting in the White House, hard at work Signing State papers (Rutherford was there, Knitting some hose) a sudden glory fell Upon my paper. I looked up and saw An angel, holding in his hand a rod Wherewith he struck me. Smarting with the blow I rose and (cuffing Rutherford) inquired: "Wherefore this chastisement?" The angel said: "Four years you have been President, and still There's rum!"--then flew to Heaven. Contrite, I swore Such oath as lady Methodist might take, My second term should medicine my first.
The people would not have it that way; so I seek some candidate who'll take my soul-- My spirit of reform, fresh from my breast, And give me his instead; and thus equipped With my imperious and fiery essence, Drive the Drink-Demon from the land and fill The people up with water till their teeth Are all afloat.
(_St. John discovers himself_.) What, _you_?
ST. JOHN:
Aye, Madam, I'll Swap souls with you and lead the cold sea-green Amphibians of Prohibition on, Pallid of nose and webbed of foot, swim-bladdered, Gifted with gills, invincible!
MRS. HAYES:
Enough, Stand forth and consummate the interchange.
(_While McDonald and Pitts-Stevens modestly turn their backs, the latter blushing a delicate shrimp-pink, St. John and Mrs. Hayes effect an exchange of immortal parts. When the transfer is complete McDonald turns and advances, uncorking a bottle of Vinegar Bitters_.)
MCDONALD (_chanting_):
Nectar compounded of simples Cocted in Stygian shades-- Acids of wrinkles and pimples From faces of ancient maids-- Acrid precipitates sunken From tempers of scolding wives Whose husbands, uncommonly drunken, Are commonly found in dives,-- With this I baptize and appoint thee (_to St. John_.) To marshal the vinophobe ranks.
In the name of Dambosh I anoint thee (_pours the liquid down St. John's back_.) As King of aquatical cranks!
(_The liquid blisters the royal back, and His Majesty starts on a dead run, energetically exclaiming. Exit St. John_.)
MRS. HAYES:
My soul! My soul! I'll never get it back Unless I follow nimbly on his track.
(_Exit Mrs. Hayes_.)
PITTS-STEVENS:
O my! he's such a beautiful young man!
I'll follow, too, and catch him if I can.
(_Exit Pitts-Stevens_.)
MCDONALD:
He scarce is visible, his dust so great!
Methinks for so obscure a candidate He runs quite well. But as for Prohibition-- I mean myself to hold the first position.
(_Produces a pocket flask, topes a cruel quantity of double-distilled thunder-and-lightning out of it, smiles so grimly as to darken all the stage and sings_):
Though fortunes vary let all be merry, And then if e'er a disaster befall, At Styx's ferry is Charon's wherry In easy call.
Upon a ripple of golden tipple That tipsy ship'll convey you best.
To king and cripple, the bottle's the nipple Of Nature's breast!
(_Curtain_.)
SLICKENS
DRAMATIS PERSONae.
HAYSEED _a Granger_ NOZZLE _a Miner_ RINGDIVVY _a Statesman_ FEEGOBBLE _a Lawyer_ JUNKET _a Committee_
_Scene_--Yuba Dam.
_Feegobble, Ringdivvy, Nozzle_.
NOZZLE:
My friends, since '51 I have pursued The evil tenor of my watery way, Removing hills as by an act of faith--