"Ei, how did it become me marrying you?" Gu Hai frowned, "I've already presented the betrothal gifts to your family, and called them father and mother, so regardless, you should be the one marrying me!"
"Don't give me that crap!" Bai Luo Yin looked at Gu Hai with an expression knotted with mockery. "Don't think that I don't remember anything just because I was drunk. That night I asked you to marry me and you agreed very clearly."
Gu Hai retorted immediately, "You drank so much yet you can still remember everything? I can't remember things when I drink that much, you know? Who knows whether or not you used that opportunity to blackmail me? Let me tell you, any agreement signed when you are not in the right mindset is considered invalid, not to mention that verbal agreements."
At those words, Bai Luo Yin's brows tightened, "Even if the promise from that day, was invalid you should still be the one to marry me! I am an admirable military officer with thousands of men under my command. How can I lower myself to marry a businessman?"
Gu Hai remained indifferent towards Bai Luo Yin's provokes.
"An admirable military officer can't lower himself to marry me, but he can moan lustfully beneath me? I wonder, which officer held my dick and roughly grinded against it last night?! 'Laogong, laogong, hurry up and put it in. I can't take it anymore…'" Gu Hai reenacted the event in an exaggerated manner.
"Fuck off!!" Bai Luo Yin scolded in embarrassment before he threw some punches at Gu Hai. "Don't fucking give me that bullshit, when did I call you laogong?”[1]
For some reason, when the word 'laogong' squeezed out of Bai Luo Yin's mouth, it was a stimulation more potent than Viagra. Every time Gu Hai heard it, his heart would undoubtedly flutter with an indescribable feeling of euphoria. Therefore, after suffering countless punches, he took Bai Luo Yin into his arms domineeringly and then placed Bai Luo Yin's hand on his own crotch while wearing a mischievous smile.
"Who asked you to provoke with me? Look here, with all these talks, I'm hard again."
Bai Luo Yin was simply speechless with Gu Hai. Last night, when they were having a serious discussion until it had somehow reached the topic of what tactics to employed to deal with the guests when they start to 'tease the newlyweds', they ended up fooling around for half the night. Now they had just gotten up and have yet to have a proper conversation, Gu Hai had twisted the topic again.
"Should we go for a premarital checkup first? I suspect you have severe symptoms of incontinence." Bai Luo Yin said.
Gu Hai rubbed his stubbles against Bai Luo Yin's neck as he laughed. "I don't know why either, but whenever I see to you, I just want to fuck you."
At those word, Bai Luo Yin's big hand rested firmly on the top of Gu Hai's head before he spoke with a cold expression. "Let's talk about serious matters first."
There was not a sound from Gu Hai after that.
Bai Luo Yin then gave him a glance, "Don't pout your lips. It's useless no matter how much you pout them!"
With no other choice, Gu Hai could only turn his attention to the topics at hand.
As for Bai Luo Yin, he remained stern on how 'escorting the groom' should be handled by him.
This time, Gu Hai changed his tone of speech. "You actually think that 'escorting the bride'[2] is a good thing? As a groom, one has to endure all kinds of adversaries. Things like giving out red envelopes are fine and all, but what if they make you do awkward and embarrassing things? How degrading would that be for you as a military officer! These types of dirty and tiring job should be left for me. Since I'm used to being shameless, I can definitely endure even the most despicable demands."
"Bullshit!" Bai Luo Yin did not listen to his deceit, "Don't give me that 'I'm doing this for your own good' type of speech. My psychological endurance is quite strong! You should be worrying about yourself! You want to escort me? I'll surrender to you if you can find three men on your side! An army of all-around women— have you ever heard of a groom having to be accompanied by a horde of bridesmaids to escort the bride?"
"That is what you don't understand." Gu Hai was hanging onto a piece of string as he refused to back down. "Think about it, is it easier to create difficulties for the bridesmaids or the groomsmen? Of course, it's the groomsmen! If I bring a group of beautiful women to escort you, the soldiers from your end will obediently open the door. However, if you were to come and escort me instead, the bridesmaids on my side will surely take you down and make you suffer without relenting. Those soldiers won't be able to deal with these women, and if you don't get it right, you might not be able to escort me away."
Bai Luo Yin waved his hand, "If I can't even escort you away, then I don't want you. Whoever want you, can have you."
"What did you say?" Gu Hai poked Bai Luo Yin's waist angrily.
Bai Luo Yin laughed as he tried to avoid him. The two fooled around for a while before they finally stopped and decided to let luck decide on the victor for them.
"Rock – paper – scissors!"
At the first round, both showed rock while for the second round, Gu Hai continued on with rock only to be sourly met with Bai Luo Yin's paper.
As a result, Bai Luo Yin shouted and jumped for joy.
"Best two out of three!" Gu Hai acted shamelessly.
Fine, then let it be best two out of three. Bai Luo Yin still won when he showed his hand.
Raising his thick brows, Gu Hai persisted. "Best three out of five!"
"Fuck off!" Bai Luo Yin became enraged, "How shameless can you be?"
Gu Hai bashfully moved in closer before he held Bai Luo Yin's hands and pleaded in a nice manner. "How about this, let's not distinguish who is marrying whom, we can each take turn to escort one another. What do you think?"
Once Gu Hai put it that way, Bai Luo Yin thought about it very seriously. Asking Gu Hai to be the bride and wait for me to escort him is unrealistic—to put it bluntly. After all, his status and family background are pretty good… even better than mine. There is no reason for him to marry into my family. But at the same time, asking Bai Luo Yin to marry into the other family will not make him happy either, no man would be happy honestly.
"Alright, let's do it that way."
Having settled that matter, the two high-fived and checked that off their list of things to do.
"Now onto the next topic." Bai Luo Yin looked attentively at his notebook, "Let's discuss about what we are going to give out to the guest as the wedding favor. I don't want to give out candies since I think that that isn't creative enough."
Gu Hai looked at Bai Luo Yin's glimmering eyes and saw a hint of cautiousness within the quick wittedness— that contemplative appearance gave off a rather touching feeling which made Gu Hai unable to control himself as he stretched his hand out with the intention of pinching Bai Luo Yin's cheek.
"Behave yourself!"
That unforeseen roar took Gu Hai by surprise, which made him retreat.
Suddenly, Bai Luo Yin remembered something that provoked the corners of his lips to pull back into a devilish smile.
"How about we give out a bag of pan fried meat flavoured dicks?"
With that said, Bai Luo Yin held his stomach and laughed out loud while Gu Hai's handsome face darkened. He immediately pounced on Bai Luo Yin and attempted to hit him, but that Colonel continued to laugh without restraint. Soon, he ended up lying on top of Gu Hai's thighs as he slowly caught his breath.
Gu Hai slapped Bai Luo Yin's butt and pretended to be angry as he questioned, "Have you laughed enough yet?"
Just as Bai Luo Yin nodded, he burst out laughing… again.
That undoubtedly made Gu Hai grit his teeth in anger. "You must be fucking expecting this damn joke to last forever!"
Once Bai Luo Yin calmed down, an inspiration suddenly popped up in Gu Hai's head.
"Let's give out a bag of heroin[3] to each of the guest!"
The corners of Bai Luo Yin's mouth pulled back into a smirk, "Can you afford it?"
"Of course it won't be the real drug. It will only be labelled on the bag as that."
After putting some thoughts into it, Bai Luo Yin replied. "That is quite creative. But we have to inform the police department first, otherwise, we will be locked up before the wedding is even over."
"Don't worry, I definitely won't forget something like that."
"That's pretty much it…" Bai Luo Yin poked Gu Hai's nose with the pen. "As for the decorations, let's talk it over after I get a chance to check out the venue."
Gu Hai nodded while his eyes abounded with sparkles of lewdness.
"Then should we attend to the more serious matter now?"
"Serious matter?" Bai Luo Yin pondered, "What serious matter haven't we attend to yet?"
When Gu Hai saw that Bai Luo Yin had actually forgotten, he firmly pressed him beneath him.
"Knock it off, knock it off." Bai Luo Yin exerted his strength in a move to burst free, "We have to go visit my mom and dad in a bit… mmm…" His mouth was completely sealed before he could finish his words.
—
Meanwhile, Bai Hai Qi and Aunt Zou were at home turning all the clothes inside out as they took it out of the cabinets. However, for such an important occasion, they actually did not have a suitable outfit.
"This isn't good…" Aunt Zou shook her head in front of the mirror, "Isn't this too simple?"
Sitting at the side, Bai Han Qi was in the middle of biting into a half meter long cucumber instead of listening to what Aunt Zou had said.
"Lao Bai ah! I'm asking you a question!" Aunt Zou repeated.
Bai Han Qi remained indifferent.
With that, Aunt Zou strode over and slapped the cucumber out of Bai Han Qi's hand, causing it to fall to the floor. She angrily said, "Every time I tell you something, you never listen to me! What's the use of having those ears on your head if they're being wasted?! You might as well rip them off!"
Bai Han Qi laughed heartily, "If they could be ripped off, I would have done so ages ago!"
Unfortunately, Aunt Zou became even more enraged; the clothes she had tried on was already tight and with her panting heavily, the two buttons on her stomach popped open. Her face instantly turned a shade of red from embarrassment as she quickly went back to the bedroom to change into something else while mumbling to herself. Goodness! Luckily I tried it at home. If something like this happened at the wedding ceremony, it would have been utterly embarrassing!!
Once she changed, she returned only to see that Bai Han Qi had picked up the cucumber from the floor and was eating it nonchalantly.
Her face instantly darkened, "How many times have I told you? Don't eat the food that has dropped on the floor! Our son has given you so much money, what is the use of saving it and not spending it at all?"
"Regardless of how much money there is, I still can't waste it! And, doesn't the floor get mopped every day anyways?"
Being someone that had live a poor life, Bai Han Qi had always been an advocate to working hard and staying frugal. If he had known how much Gu Hai spent just to propose to his son, he would have definitely rejected the marriage on the spot.
Just as the two were in the midst of squabbling, Bai Luo Yin and Gu Hai walked in.
"What are you talking about that is so exciting?" Gu Hai smiled at the old couple as he exchanged some greetings. "I could hear your voices all the way from down the hallway."
Bai Han Qi vented his grievance to Gu Hai. "Your aunt is scolding me for eating the cucumber that I picked up off of the floor."
Gu Hai finally understood where Bai Luo Yin inherited that unhygienic way of living. However, since it happened to his father-in-law, he naturally treated it as a different matter.
"As long as the floor is clean, it's fine to pick it up and eat it. When you are not too hygienic, you won't get sick easily!"
Hearing that, Bai Luo Yin jabbed Gu Hai with his finger and warned him with a low voice. "The next time I pick up something that fell to the floor and eat it, you are not allowed to tell me off!"
"You are not allowed!" Gu Hai immediately changed his tone, "If you dare to pick up a single piece, just try me!"
Fussy bastard…[4] Bai Luo Yin mentally returned a compliment.
—
Translator's Note:
[1] laogong – husband
[2] 'escort the bride' – this was previously changed to 'escort the groom' in the previous chapter, but since it made more sense it this chapter to say 'bride' as neither GH or BLY wanted to be the one that has to be 'escorted' (of the bride), it was changed to match their mindset
[3] heroin (海洛因hailuoyin) – also the alternative title of the novel as it does have a combination of Gu Hai and Bai Luo Yin's name it in.
[4] fussy bastard – can also be 'pain in the ass'