April Fools.
by W. F. Chapman.
ARGUMENT OF THE PLAY.
MR. PETER DUNNBROWNE, a gentleman with several unmarried daughters on his hands, receives a note from MR. JOHN SMITH proposing for his daughter Fanny. Presently MR. JAMES SMITH calls, he having received a letter announcing that Mr. D's mare Fanny is for sale, and an amusing dialogue at cross purposes ensues. This disposed of, MR. JOSEPH SMITH, an undertaker, calls, he having been notified that Miss Fanny had suddenly died, and another puzzle follows. Finally it is discovered that the letters are all in the same handwriting, and that the receivers have all been made the victims of an April joke.
COSTUMES.
DUNNBROWNE.--Everyday suit.
JAMES SMITH.--Very loud "horsey" dress. Carries hat and cane.
JOSEPH SMITH.--Shabby black suit, old black silk hat, black gloves, rusty old cotton umbrella.
PROPERTIES.
Newspaper and several letters on table. Large black bordered letter for JOSEPH SMITH. One letter each for JAMES SMITH and DUNNBROWNE to produce.
Bottle containing cold tea to represent wine, corkscrew and two glasses for DUNNBROWNE to bring on.
SCENE.
[Illustration]
SCENE.--DUNNBROWNE'S parlor. Doors R. and L. Table C., with chairs R.
and L. of it.
N. B.--A set scene is not essential, and may be dispensed with if preferred.
STAGE DIRECTIONS.
In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R. means right; L., left; C., centre; R. C., right of centre; L. C., left of centre; R. D., right door; L. D., left door; UP STAGE, towards the back; DOWN STAGE, towards the audience.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
APRIL FOOLS.
=Scene.=--_DUNNBROWNE'S parlor._ =Entrances= _R. and L. Table, C.
Chairs R. and L. of table. Newspaper and letters on the table._
=Dunnbrowne.= (_without_) Well, good morning, my dears, (_shows himself in the doorway R._) Don't be away all the morning, and _do_ be merciful in your purchases. (_enters R._) Happy is the man who is not troubled with a trio of beautiful daughters, who are incessantly going out shopping. My daughters seem to take a delight in spending my money. I suppose they act upon the principle that, if a thing is worth doing at all it is worth doing well, and as shopping is their chief and only occupation, they strive, and I may add, succeed, to do it as well as any young ladies in this mundane sphere possibly could. (_sits R._) I find it of no use whatever to expostulate with them about what I consider their extravagance in dress, for they argue that as they do all the buying and I do all the paying, it is nothing but a right and proper division of labor. Now let me see what trouble has come to me through that prodigious engine of commerce, the post office, this morning.
(_opens a letter_) Another bill from Messrs. Newshape and Whitestraw, the milliners! It is only two weeks since I paid them $25. (_looks at the bill_)--$37.50 for millinery! Enough to provide me with hats for twenty years. (_opens another letter_) More bills! This is Mrs.
Goodfit's bill for dressmaking: forty dollars. (_throws the bill on the table_) Oh, this is going a little beyond all reason. The fact of the matter is, I shall be ruined if this sort of thing is not stopped.
(_walks across the room two or three times--then pauses_) I wish some kind, upright and steady young men of affluent means would come forward and take one or two of my daughters off my hands. I'm sure they would make excellent wives. (_sits R.,--takes another letter_) I am almost afraid to open this one; but I may as well know the extent of my trouble at once--suspense is useless--so here goes. (_opens the letter_) What's this? (_reads it over rapidly in silence_) How opportune! This is precisely what I have long been wishing for. (_reads_) "Dear sir,--For a long period of time I have fondly and madly loved your daughter Fanny, with a passion that would require the prolific brain of a poet to describe, but I have never had the courage to declare my passion to her." Well, that _is_ astonishing. If I had known of this before I should have avoided paying some of her bills, for I would have had them married long ago. (_reads_) "My object in writing you is to inform you that I shall call upon you to-morrow morning, when I trust you will favor me with an interview." An interview! I'll favor him with forty interviews if he will only take one of my daughters off my hands.
(_reads_) "My means are amply sufficient to justify my taking a wife, so I trust you will not throw cold water on my hopes, but make me eternally happy by giving your consent to our union." Throw cold water on his hopes! By no means. If _warm_ water will help to bring about the desired effect he shall have gallons of it. (_reads_) "Hoping you will carefully consider this matter and ultimately arrive at a favorable decision, I am yours respectfully, John Smith." (_folding the letter_) John Smith, umph! Now, the question that arises is, who _is_ this John Smith? John Smiths are almost as numerous as flies around a sugar-bowl, but _I_ don't happen to be acquainted with any of them. However, I shall not be any wiser by wondering who he is, so I shall wait patiently until he calls. In the meantime I will take a walk around the garden, (_goes to door R.--calls_) Jane, I am going into the garden. If anyone calls, show him in here and let me know immediately. (_goes to the table_) By-the-bye I must put these bills out of sight. If John Smith chances to see them they might set him thinking of what he will have to pay when he gets married, and be the means of making him alter his mind. (_puts the letters in his pocket_)
=Exit= L.
=Enter=, JAMES SMITH, R.
=Smith.= (_speaks at the entrance_) Very well. I'll find a seat if you will find your master. (=Enters=--_looks around--sits, R._) I wonder what sort of a fellow this Dunnbrowne is. I don't know anything about _him_, but he knows something about _me_ or how would he be aware of the fact that I am in want of a mare. I hope there is no blunder about the affair. I don't see how there can be, though. The letter is addressed to me all fair and square, and this is the address the letter is dated from (_takes a letter from his pocket and reads_) "2, Belverley Terrace, Hedgetown, March 31st. Mr. Smith. Dear sir,--A friend of mine informs me that you are in want of a good mare, so I take the liberty of writing you to say that I wish to dispose of my thoroughbred dark bay mare Fanny. She has splendid action, and is in good condition. If you think she may suit you, I shall be at home in the morning, and will be glad to see you and give you any information respecting her soundness, &c. Yours truly, Peter Dunnbrowne." Oh, it's all right. There cannot be any error about that--of course not. I am rather fond of the name of Fanny. I had a mare of that name some years ago, and she was a perfect stunner.
(_replaces the letter in his pocket_) I wonder what price he wants for her. I am not particular to a few dollars if she's a good goer. (_takes up the newspaper_) What is there fresh in the paper this morning? Ah, another breach of promise case, I see. $500 damages. Poor fellow. Nobody will catch me at that game. Marriage is out of my line altogether. I always drive clear of the ladies. (_turns the paper over--reads_)
=Enter=, DUNN., L.
=Dunn.= (_aside_) So this is John Smith, my would-be son-in-law. He appears to make himself quite at home. (_coming to the front, aloud_) Good morning, sir. Mr. Smith, I presume. (_extending his hand. SMITH hastily puts the newspaper down--rises and shakes hands_)
=Smith.= Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne, how do you do, sir; how _do_ you do? Delighted to make your acquaintance, sir. Fine morning this, isn't it? _Very_ fine morning indeed.
=Dunn.= (_aside_) He doesn't seem at all bashful.
=Smith.= I beg your pardon? Ah, I thought you were speaking. You _are_ well, I suppose?
=Dunn.= Ye--yes, I am quite well, thank you, Mr. Smith, how are you?
=Smith.= I'm _very_ well, sir, very well indeed; in fact I am never troubled with any complaint excepting the complaints of my groom, and he is always full of them--servants usually are.
=Dunn.= (_aside_) Groom! he keeps a horse, then. He must be pretty well to do. (_aloud_) Take a seat, sir. (_they both sit, DUNN., L., SMITH, R._)
=Smith.= Thanks. So you are desirous of disposing of Fanny, Mr.
Dunnbrowne?
=Dunn.= (_aside_) Disposing of her! (_aloud_) Well er--that is _one_ way of putting it, but I scarcely like to----(_pause_)
=Smith.= Oh, I quite understand your feelings, sir. You have grown quite fond of her, and now you find it rather hard to part with her; but you'll soon get over that. I've parted with several in my time. Excuse my asking, sir, but what are your reasons for parting with her? Do you find her too expensive?
=Dunn.= Well er--rather; and as I have three of them to keep I----(_pause_)
=Smith.= I see--you thought you could possibly spare one of them. Well now, what are her good points? Is she good at jumping walls or fences?
=Dunn.= (_aside_) Walls! Fences!
=Smith.= Can she clear a five-barred gate nicely?
=Dunn.= (_smiling_) Well, er--I really could not answer that question.