FERDINAND. We are the best cousins in the world.
THE INDIAN SUMMER WIFE, _very much affected_. Shall I ever come to that?
THE HUSBAND, _on the Italian Boulevard_. My dear boy [he has button-holed Monsieur de Fischtaminel], you still believe that marriage is based upon passion. Let me tell you that the best way, in conjugal life, is to have a plenary indulgence, one for the other, on condition that appearances be preserved. I am the happiest husband in the world.
Caroline is a devoted friend, she would sacrifice everything for me, even my cousin Ferdinand, if it were necessary: oh, you may laugh, but she is ready to do anything. You entangle yourself in your laughable ideas of dignity, honor, virtue, social order. We can't have our life over again, so we must cram it full of pleasure. Not the smallest bitter word has been exchanged between Caroline and me for two years past. I have, in Caroline, a friend to whom I can tell everything, and who would be amply able to console me in a great emergency. There is not the slightest deceit between us, and we know perfectly well what the state of things is. We have thus changed our duties into pleasures. We are often happier, thus, than in that insipid season called the honey-moon. She says to me, sometimes, "I'm out of humor, go away." The storm then falls upon my cousin. Caroline never puts on her airs of a victim, now, but speaks in the kindest manner of me to the whole world. In short, she is happy in my pleasures. And as she is a scrupulously honest woman, she is conscientious to the last degree in her use of our fortune. My house is well kept. My wife leaves me the right to dispose of my reserve without the slightest control on her part. That's the way of it. We have oiled our wheels and cogs, while you, my dear Fischtaminel, have put gravel in yours.
CHORUS, _in a parlor during a ball_. Madame Caroline is a charming woman.
A WOMAN IN A TURBAN. Yes, she is very proper, very dignified.
A WOMAN WHO HAS SEVEN CHILDREN. Ah! she learned early how to manage her husband.
ONE OF FERDINAND'S FRIENDS. But she loves her husband exceedingly.
Besides, Adolphe is a man of great distinction and experience.
ONE OF MADAME DE FISCHTAMINEL'S FRIENDS. He adores his wife. There's no fuss at their house, everybody is at home there.
MONSIEUR FOULLEPOINTE. Yes, it's a very agreeable house.
A WOMAN ABOUT WHOM THERE IS A GOOD DEAL OF SCANDAL. Caroline is kind and obliging, and never talks scandal of anybody.
A YOUNG LADY, _returning to her place after a dance_. Don't you remember how tiresome she was when she visited the Deschars?
MADAME DE FISCHTAMINEL. Oh! She and her husband were two bundles of briars--continually quarreling. [She goes away.]
AN ARTIST. I hear that the individual known as Deschars is getting dissipated: he goes round town--
A WOMAN, _alarmed at the turn the conversation is taking, as her daughter can hear_. Madame de Fischtaminel is charming, this evening.
A WOMAN OF FORTY, _without employment_. Monsieur Adolphe appears to be as happy as his wife.
A YOUNG LADY. Oh! what a sweet man Monsieur Ferdinand is! [Her mother reproves her by a sharp nudge with her foot.] What's the matter, mamma?
HER MOTHER, _looking at her fixedly_. A young woman should not speak so, my dear, of any one but her betrothed, and Monsieur Ferdinand is not a marrying man.
A LADY DRESSED RATHER LOW IN THE NECK, _to another lady dressed equally low, in a whisper_. The fact is, my dear, the moral of all this is that there are no happy couples but couples of four.
A FRIEND, _whom the author was so imprudent as to consult_. Those last words are false.
THE AUTHOR. Do you think so?
THE FRIEND, _who has just been married_. You all of you use your ink in depreciating social life, on the pretext of enlightening us! Why, there are couples a hundred, a thousand times happier than your boasted couples of four.
THE AUTHOR. Well, shall I deceive the marrying class of the population, and scratch the passage out?
THE FRIEND. No, it will be taken merely as the point of a song in a vaudeville.
THE AUTHOR. Yes, a method of passing truths off upon society.
THE FRIEND, _who sticks to his opinion_. Such truths as are destined to be passed off upon it.
THE AUTHOR, _who wants to have the last word_. Who and what is there that does not pass off, or become passe? When your wife is twenty years older, we will resume this conversation.
THE FRIEND. You revenge yourself cruelly for your inability to write the history of happy homes.
THE END