Author: Larza
Translator: Renkun27
Proofreader: KainGuru
After that event, a year had passed by. During that time, I did not fall into thinking too much because of anxiety. There were some nights wherein I thought carelessly too much, until I could not get any sleep.
I was worried that if I could meet him again, by that time, Thun would no longer be a child anymore. Would many of his feelings or habits change or not?
The last time he came, he was seventeen years old. Now, he could not come for another year, so the next time that I would be able to see him again—which would be a year later—he would be nineteen years old already.
The more that I thought like that, the more that I could not help but feel frightened. Time passed by so quickly so that I could not keep up with it anymore. I realized that the person who used to be a child, now had become a freshman.
When attending class in a university, the chance to meet with other people would likely increase because the community was more open and broader than before.
Therefore, the chance that Thun would find a person that he likes, or a girlfriend, would likely increase as well.
At this point, I immediately felt a headache. Suddenly, I wanted time to stop, I did not want that boy to grow up, and I did not want anything to change, but I knew that this was just my wishful thinking.
Although, I once thought that I did not expect anything but to see him happy.
That was also no different from the words of comfort that only kept myself deluded.
If I stayed until the day that Thun would get married and brings his children to pay their respects to me, I did not know if I could stay cool and smile by that time or not.
Or if I could still smile, perhaps tears would then be falling down deep within me.
I tried not to think too much, but this thought kept running around in circles in my mind. The more that I sat idly, the more that I did not know what to do. Anxiety, stress, and fear kept on haunting me like a shadow.
After thinking until I had gotten a headache, I held on to my temples before standing up. At least, I had to find something to do in order for me not to get more muddled than this. When I was able to come up with an idea, I decided to go out for a walk today, a little bit farther than the places where I usually go to.
If it could help me get rid of some thoughts in my head.
I had not been to this market for a long time since it takes a long time to get here and it was quite far as well. Therefore, it must be my free time, or I really had nothing to do when I could come all the way out here.
When I arrived, it seemed like there were more people than usual. One reason might be because it was almost summer, so there were a lot of people coming here.
When I walked into the market, I could not help but look through the shops on the side of the road. But while I was looking at the items for sale, there was a person who was walking straight into me, so I dodged them by instinct.
When another person passed by, I stopped short and thought why I should dodge them. Even if I stayed still, no one could touch my body anyway.
One reason might be because I was still familiar with the habits that I used to have when I was still a living human. The other reason seemed to be due to the fact that I was thinking too much so that I got distracted.
When I got bored from looking at the food, I stopped to look around inside a toy store.
It seemed that ever since I died, there were a lot of strange toys that came out. Therefore, I came to look around this toy store which had new items; plus, looking through strange things would certainly be more interesting than looking at vegetables and fruits which I had seen before.
After looking around the store for a while, I saw an egg that looked like a dinosaur egg. With interest, I reached out and picked it up immediately.
But then I remembered that I could not hold on to things…
Crack.
My eyes opened wide as I looked at the egg that had fallen off from my hand and rolled down on the table. Even though it was only for a short moment, I could feel that my hand touched that egg.
In fact, this kind of situation had happened quite often. Sometimes, I could touch some things for a short time; other times, no matter how much I tried holding something, I just could not pick it up.
I was not sure what the reason was, but if I say that it was because of my intention to hold on to it, then why was it that when I wanted to grab that piece of candy from that aunty, no matter how I tried hard grabbing it, it would pass through me just like that. But for those that I did not intend to take, I could touch them.
I intended to pick that egg up again, but the lady vendor was able to pick it up first. Then she swore at whoever dared to walk by and bump against the table causing the egg to fall.
Because of the lady vendor's spiteful eyes, I did not dare pick it up again. In the end, I had to walk away from that scene, before deciding that if I had time to spare, I would try picking other things up instead.
While April was fast approaching again, I loafed around in various places, then came back, sat, and waited at my grave. A few days later, I saw a white car driving along the dirt road.
Looking at the license plate was enough to make me confident to say that I was right that this was the car. From sitting cross-legged on my mound, I got up and stood in front of my grave.
I looked up for a long time, but I did not see him getting out from the passenger's seat, even when the driver already opened the door and got out of the car.
When I saw that, my heart immediately sank.
By then, I feared that those two years of waiting patiently would all be in vain.
Until I heard the sound of the car being locked, I could hardly keep my cool anymore. Although I still looked calm on the outside, it felt like it was burning in the insides of my chest, as if there was a blazing fire within it.
I…did not want to admit that I was already crying.
Not that I cried because I was upset that the person I like did not come to meet me or my heart had been broken, but I was upset because I carelessly expected too much. The more that I thought of Thun's words, the more that I felt something intensely hot on the edge of my eyelids.
But to see a forty-four-year-old uncle sitting here and crying because a child did not come to meet him, it would definitely look miserable. No matter how disappointed I was, I still tried to calm down and wait to see what would happen next.
When I saw who the driver was, the burning feeling in my chest and in the corner of my eyelids quickly disappeared as though it was a joke.
This year, Thun grew up a lot. He was so tall that I had to look up. The more that I look at his height as he drew nearer, the more that I prayed for him not to get any taller than this. Otherwise, I had to stand on a chair or put on heels to talk to him.
“Your father and other relatives won't come this year?” I asked while trying to contain my happiness and measure the person in front of me with my eyes.
“My Dad and other relatives are getting old and they have a lot of things to deal with, so they didn’t want to come." Thun said as he placed his shoulder bag down on the grave next to mine and took out the offerings from it.
I walked over and stood beside him. While he was preparing to pay his respects, I asked him softly so that it would not bother him, “So they sent you over instead…?
“No.” Thun replied to me while sticking three joss sticks on the joss stick pot. “My Dad didn't want me to come, but I insisted on coming because I said that I wanted to pay respects to my Mom. Dad said that if I really wanted to come, I should get a drivers license and drive here by myself.”
I blinked at the person who was at full height. When standing beside each other, I became more and more upset with my own short stature. “It’s so good that you can drive by yourself. Since my Dad and Mom died, I didn't dare drive a car."
“No. I had to practice for a long time before I could drive proficiently.” Thun laughed at my words. After that, he placed the items for conducting the ceremony back into his bag, then he picked up the tray and joss stick pot to place it in front of my grave instead, “But I didn't intend to pay my respects to my Mom alone. I came to see P' as well."
I was so engrossed on what he was doing until I suddenly stopped short and repeated his words.
“You came to meet P'?”
"Well, didn't I promise two years ago that I'll come back?" Thun said while he was rummaging through his bag. When the young man found a plastic bag with some stuff inside, he took it out and placed it down on my altar. "P', don't tell me you forgot about it already.”
“No." I hurriedly disagreed in response, before I leaned over to look at the things that were placed on my altar with surprised look, “Cocoa and sandwich?”
I asked while trying to pick up the food in the bag, but then it passed through my hand. When I saw this, I retreated to let Thun ignite the joss sticks.
After that, it appeared in my hand.
I could not help but feel surprise with the things that Thun brought me this time.
Normally, Thun liked to bring chocolates or some meat. Even though I could say that there were chocolate and meat as well, it was somewhat different from the previous ones.
“This time, I intend to sit and chat with P', so I brought something easy to eat. I don't know if P' will like it or not," Thun said while sitting crossed-legged at the edge of the grave's fence where the sunlight was just about right.
"P' likes it. As long as Thun brought it for P', P' is happy." I responded quickly. In fact, I could eat everything, but eating something else would be quite good. Because I had been eating the same food for years, I had gotten sick of it as well. "But this place is dirty. Sitting here like this will quickly dirty your clothes."
“That's fine. I can just dust it off later.” Thun said while pulling his bag closer. “Two years ago, we only chatted for a bit and I couldn’t come last year. This time around, I want to chat with P' for a long time, so that P' won’t get lonely.”
When I heard that, I could not help but be happy. However, I still tried to contain this happiness, even if a smile would carelessly slip out.
I plopped down next to Thun with one hand holding a cup of cold cocoa and the other holding a sandwich.
“What's up? Is there anything you wanted to say?” I asked as I took a bite on the sandwich, then I took a sip on the cup.
"It's…there's someone I secretly like."
And suddenly!
"”Cough!” I was coughing hard until I shed a tear and my face got red. When Thun saw me coughing, he acted like he wanted to rub my back. A part of my consciousness almost left my body.
This is so crazy! These are the words that I don’t want to hear the most!
“What…then…who?” I must take the bull by the horns, although my hands were shaking. Luckily, I coughed so hard until my eyes got teary; otherwise, even if I did not cough, my tears might really have flown down anyhow.
“She was the only friend I met during the college interview,” Thun smoothly said as if he was only talking about the weather, which was contrary to my feelings that was on the verge of becoming a storm now.
I pressed my hand against my chest, convincing myself to calm down; though my inner feelings were not as cool as my face right now, “…so…how's her personality?”
“Well, she's cute. She's an enthusiastic and very cheerful person.”
“So…normally…Thun likes this kind of person?” I asked him back, while trying to comfort and calm myself down. I did not know what I should do first—be shocked or cry. These two almost came simultaneously and I could not really prepare at all.
"Yes.” Thun answered me back, before pausing for a while, then he added, "But, it's actually hard to say. I don’t really have a specific type that I like, so the type that I like is the same as with the person I like.”
Because I could not gather my thoughts and compose myself, I stayed quiet for quite a while.
The personality of the girl that Thun likes was almost opposite of mine. I was not an enthusiastic person, not cheerful, nor likes approaching other people that much. Moreover, I was somewhat the silent type and more of an indifferent person as well.
When I think about this truth here, I felt so uncomfortable. It was no different from getting slapped on the face and splashed with cold water.
I sat while alternately sipping on the cup of cold cocoa in one hand and eating the sandwich in the other, but I continued to silently listen to the story that Thun told me. After that, he told me a story about the exams, including some other trivial matters. Some of which I could understand and some I could not, because I was preoccupied with thinking about the things I heard from him earlier.
Whether it was about Thun's father not wanting him to come here during Tomb Sweeping Day or the matter about Thun having a person that he secretly likes, what the future might be like, I was not sure of as well. But these two things were important factors to make Thun not return here again next year. Therefore, I must remember this feeling while I can still talk with Thun for as long as possible.
“Why did you argue with your father?” I asked when I thought about this matter.
“After my Mom died, my Dad became more strict with me," Thun said while trying to consider something for a short while. Then he added, “He forced me to get in a school that he wanted for me, and there are many other things as well. It was so suffocating that I couldn't breathe. In the end, I couldn’t stand it, so I had a big fight with him. And after that, we couldn't really bring ourselves to talk to each other anymore."
I nodded in response. If I did not see Thun's father stroking his head years ago, I would have thought that his father was a cruel man.
However, who knew that probably the reason was because his father was concerned about him. I did not know him that well to defend him.
“Just a sec. I have to leave now and pay my respects to my Mom,” Thun said as he looked at his wristwatch and stood up, before he picked up his bag. “Then, I'll leave first. Let's meet again next year.”
I was immediately dismayed. Since when did time pass by so fast…? I had to wait until next year, again? Although there were only negative thoughts coming into my mind, I did not want to show that feeling.
“Have a safe trip.” I wished him well as I waved goodbye, but when I remembered something, I immediately ran and grabbed his arm.
After that, my hand just passed through Thun's arm.
Thun suddenly stopped walking because of what I did. Before turning to look at me, he did not say anything at all, as if he was waiting for me to speak.
“Next year…you will you come again, right?” I gently asked.
Although there was no mirror in front of me now, I could guess how unsightly my expression was.
“Of course!” Thun said that before stroking my head like he wanted to console me, but he suddenly stopped short and remembered something, then he hurriedly withdrew his hand, “Sorry for carelessly stroking your head, but there's no way I'd leave P' alone, so don’t cry.”
Me, crying…?
I listened to that statement and thought that Thun was a bit exaggerated. No matter how bad my face looked like, I could not even cry.
“So…if you'd be able to go out with her, take a picture of her and let me see next year." I tried forcing it out, even if it felt like something was blocking my throat.
I did not know how I was able to say this sentence with this calm manner.
But these words were the most difficult words that I had ever said in my whole life.
The more that I spoke, the more that I felt that my eyes became hot. I tried enduring this feeling for a long time, but it broke out as soon as he was about to leave.
“Yeah, don't cry.” Thun said as he bent down to hug me. “I'll come back to see you again next year.”
Although it should be a very cool embrace because I could not touch him, I felt that his embrace was so warm so that I almost cried.
I bowed down. I did not speak nor did I think of clearing the misunderstanding while I walked Thun to his car.
Until after the car was gone…
…I just felt that both of my cheeks were wet with tears.